Hi teacher. This is my writing task 1 about car sales. Please Feel Free To Review, Comment And Share Your Suggestion With Me. Thanks A Lot

Question

The chart shows the percentage of car manufacturer’s total car sales in different regions from 2006 to 2010Given is the bar chart comparing the proportion of automobiles sold by car producers in four different regions namely South and North America, Asia, and Europe in the 5-year period, commencing from 2006. Overall, while Europe was the only area which experienced a sharp growth, a reversed pattern is recorded in North America and Asia area during the surveyed time.As is presented in the chart, although Asia headed the list with a third of total earning from selling cars in 2006, it only ranked second at 30% with regards to the proportion of cars sold at the end of the period despite a slight increase to 38% in 2008. Surprisingly, starting the period at an average point of a quarter, the figure for Europe reached an impressive peak of doubling the former in the last year.In stark contrast, North America witnessed a sharp decline in the amount of money collected from manufacturing cars, from 29% in 2006 to approximately a tenth-the lowest percentage of total sales in 2015. It is interesting to note that, there was a marginal fall in South America companies’ earning in the first 2-year, followed by a recovery to the value as same as its first point of 11% in 2010.(205 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please attach an image of what you are writing about. We cannot help you if we can't see the figure.

Ruby Hà · Answer

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You have made a lot of mistakes. That means you have to practice a little to improve a lot..

I advise not using this essay topic because it is not grammatical.

~~Given is~~ the bar chart compares ~~comparing~~ the proportion of automobiles sold (wrong. It does not have percentages of the total number of cars.) by car producers in four different regions namely South and North America, Asia, and Europe in the 5-year period, commencing from 2006. ~~Overall, while Europe was the only area which experienced a sharp growth, a reversed pattern is recorded in North America and Asia area during the surveyed time.~~

Experience - avoid this word.
Surveyed - There is no mention of a survey in the topic. Do not add information that is not given in the figure or the instructions.

The first paragraph should only describe the aspects of the figure. Do not give any data values.

The second paragraph should give 2-3 major observations.

The third paragraph mentions some interesting details.

This is a very poor topic because it is ungrammatical. I cannot tell if it is the aggregate of all car manufacturers, or just one.
Here are the corrections.

The chart shows the percentage of a car manufacturer’s total car sales in different regions from 2006 to 2010.

he chart shows the percentage of car manufacturers' total car sales in different regions from 2006 to 2010.

You should not attempt to write an essay if the topic is not good English. Pick a different topic.

I will not make an example of this topic because of this reason.

~~As is presented in the chart,~~ (Do not write such useless phrases. The reader knows you are describing this chart.) although Asia headed the list with more than a third of total earning from selling cars (Wrong form and also wrong expression. The chart has no earnings on it, only sales. Earnings are sales less expenses. A company may sell millions of cell phones, but if its expenses are high, its earnings can be zero or even negative! ) in 2006, it only ranked second at 30% with regards to the proportion of cars sold at the end of the period despite a slight increase to 38% in 2008. Surprisingly, (This is an opinion word. Do not give opinions in Task 1.) starting the period at an average point of a quarter, (Wrong expression) the figure (wrong usage) for Europe reached an impressive peak (wrong word. That is not a peak.) of doubling the former in the last year. (Difficult to understand.)

In stark contrast, North America witnessed (wrong word) a sharp decline in the amount of money collected (Wrong information. The chart has no dollar values on it. The chart shows percentages, not absolute amounts of money. It does not give the total amount per year. For example, there was a global financial crisis in 2008, and sales of cars plummeted. If the total sales was 5 billion dollars in 2010, it might have been only 2 billion in 2008. 22 percent of two billion (440 million) is less than 9 percent of 5 billion (450 million). So the amount of money collected in 2010 could have been more than what was collected in 2008, even though the percentage was much smaller. ) from manufacturing cars, (wrong expression. There is no indication where the manufacturer was located. from 29% in 2006 to approximately a tenth-the lowest percentage of total sales in 2015. (wrong value) ~~It is interesting to note that,~~ (Do not waste your words on this type of commentary. Just describe the data.) there was a marginal fall in South America companies’ earning (wrong expression. There is no indication where the manufacturer was located. Also, earning is incorrect. ) in the first 2-year, followed by a recovery to the value as same as its first point of 11% in 2010. (wrong value)

Hi teacher. This is my writing task 1 about car sales. Please Feel Free To Review, Comment And Share Your Suggestion With Me. Thanks A Lot

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