Hi, MountainHiker, I have finished a motivation letter, would you please help me check it?

I am from China, a not English-speaking country. I want to apply for a master degree at faculty of law in Europe. I wonder here if you can help me check the words, grammars, and especially the thoughts, the structure. Furthermore, is there too many parallel sentences? I just want to make it more fluent. Thanks very much. Frankie, JAN 12th, 2005



Manager of LLM Program
Faculty of Law
*** University

January 10th, 2005


Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the LLM programme.

After the admission to the present key university: one ranking no.1 amongst colleges of Finance & Economics in China and standing on the 211 project list on which universities are significantly supported and financed by national government and on the 985 project list as well, on which universities are more core compared to ones on 211 project list, I have an overview on my future road, so perfect will it be if running a business of international trade.

Sufficiently exploiting the low cost of labor in China, and the advanced managing methods in Europe; familiarly knowing China and European Union, particularly law, all of these will surely be my successful factors. Moreover, having many friends working relating to laws and a large number of friends under different cultural backgrounds from various countries can be in my favor.

Then, where should be the man of great ambitions to take off? It must be a university involving refined courses taught by first class professors; it must be a campus containing poly-cultural circumstances in which people treat each other friendly; it must be a place combining old traditions with new thoughts. Fortunately, I find that you are the one. The Netherlands sees Holland’s amazing tulip, surprising soccer, overwhelming economy, at the same time, it sees Belgium’s hospitality towards people from developing countries in education; it sees Belgium’s fame upon its education quality; it sees Belgium’s large exporting trades and strong economy.

There lay hundreds of reasons for me to choose this plane: applying for this program. It should be because the interest in comparing pros and cons to conclude with a more effective method; it should be resulting from the dream on seeking for justice in court, helping the poor; it should be arising out of admirable image of being an attorney that I have selected legal road. It can be the effect of considering economic changes taken in families within two decades in China, it can be the consequence of commonplace desire of being rich, it can be the product of being preparing for the life goal of running international business that I am keen to take part in subjects correlating to business. It will be inevitable for people to communicate with another abroad, along with globalization; it will be of great opportunity for one to run transnational business while china’s stepping toward the world market, after joining the WTO; it will be rather wise to be familiar with international circumstances. Reasons shown, the program matches my characteristic, my interest and my goal perfectly.

To be suited for the program, my great determinations will be gathering, meanwhile, my capacity in disposing of de facto happenings and cases is helpful, furthermore, my fluent English will be a good tool safeguarding all else, additionally, my strong eloquence will be convenient when expressing ideas, discussing with others and raising questions. In addition, the photo attached to the paper shows that I can deal with relations between friends even under varying backgrounds well.

It sounds easy for people to reject an applicant for his literal academic records. Nevertheless, I believe that you are not one of them who ignore something else of greater importance. It is indeed regretful to devote the majority of my energy to affairs of organizations such as meeting the freshmen, arranging speeches held by VIP so that I can’t achieve more A’s on my academic recording list, even though I have been the vice president of ‘Individual Financing Association’ and ‘Legal Association’ I have been trying to sit myself as much time as possible in library reading books. In another respect, I put myself in many an internship and part-time job as well, resulting in lack of time preparing for the coming semester, though I learned how to dispose of relations and matters occurred in community, and how to complete analyzing and implementing cases, rather than just reciting theories.
Possibly, you can know me when I am one of your students. Perhaps you won’t forget Thomas Edison, an American inventor who was called “addlehead” by his teacher and “idiot” by his father; perhaps you still remember Albert Einstein, a German physical scientists who was worried of being mental retardation by his parents, and being asked to flunk out, said “Einstein, you will attempt and accomplish nothing”; maybe you keep Isaac Newton in mind, a British scientist who was classified into the worst class in school. Though they are not perfect during their early days, however, they have great potentials, as for me, in likelihood, not a flawless student, but a man of ambitions and potentials.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I have been looking forward to your positive response.