HI! How to write to sound like a native speaker?

Question

I’m currently in the second grade studying Instituteof Applied Arts at xxxx University. I graduated from xxxxUniversity,Department of Industrial Design . I have been working hard for my studies of design as my future direction due to my passion of designing. I’m glad that I have this opportunity to apply for the exchange student program and review myself by writing an autobiography in the meantime.
During my studies, although my studying process had undergone smoothly, my grades were at average. However, I decided to follow my interest, Industrial Design when I was choosing the department. During my study of the university years, I’ve learned a lot about the knowledge of industrial design and simple techniques; also, I’d seriously looked for design studios to practise that helped me develop the abilities of multi-thinking during the summer vacation. I understood how to design or what’s the design for by strong training, especially I encountered great difficulties of my two final projects in my senior years, the problems hadn’t been solved for weeks, but I’d learned the greatest experience that I could never realize from the text books after rethinking and discussing again where the main problem was. Nevertheless, not only did I increase my knowledge but also I won a silver medal in Young Designer’s Exhibition and had stunning performances inTaiwaninternational Design Competition.
I planned to serve the military after graduating from college.
Before serving the military, I luckily met a teacher who was an expert in patenting. He taught me how to write a fine patent and what details I should be aware of to protect my own intellectual property rights; as a result, I will be more careful when designing products. I like challenging; I had arranged myself to go to American language school to study to improve my English. I was looking forward to experiencing the American culture and observing the lifestyle they live. You can never really get into their culture from the internet or books. Although the internet has been well-developed, you need to experience it yourself to internalize.
ps. Could any one help me proofread this, I know there are some grammar mistakes , but I don't know where. especially with the tense ....Thank you very much!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi;
Your essay is not very clear and logical. I don't know if you finished military service, or what degree you are presently studying for. The essay is very confusing to the reader. I tried to put some comments and changes in your text, but it still needs a lot of polishing.

I’m currently in the second grade (second grade means that you are 7 or 8 years old. If you are older than that, say: I am in my second year/semester ) studying ~~Institute~~ of Applied Arts at xxxx University. I graduated from xxxxUniversity, in the Department of Industrial Design . I have been working hard for my studies of design as my future direction due to my passion for design ~~of designing~~. I’m glad that I have this opportunity to apply for the exchange student program and review myself by writing an autobiography in the meantime. ( I don't understan "review myself")

During my studies (which studies - high school, university?), although my studying process had gone ~~undergone~~ smoothly, my grades were at average. However, I decided to follow my interest, Industrial Design, when I was choosing the department. During my study ((This is the second time you repeat this phrase) ~~of the university years~~, I’ve learned a lot about ~~the knowledge of~~ industrial design and simple techniques; also, I’d seriously looked for design studios to practise that helped me develop the abilities of multi-thinking (what is multi-thinking?) during the summer vacation. (Did you only look for these studios? - you did not go inside any of them?) I understood how to design or what’s the design for by strong training, especially I encountered great difficulties of my two final projects in my senior years, the problems hadn’t been solved for weeks, but I’d learned the greatest experience that I could never realize from the text books after rethinking and discussing again where the main problem was. (Run-on sentence - it it too long and it loses any meaning.) Nevertheless, not only did I increase my knowledge but also I won a silver medal in Young Designer’s Exhibition and had stunning performances inTaiwaninternational Design Competition.
I planned to serve the military after graduating from college.
Before serving in the military, I luckily met a teacher who was an expert in patenting. He taught me how to write a fine patent (You apply for a patent, not write one. A patent application is approved by the government. ) and what details I should be aware of to protect my own intellectual property rights; as a result, I will be more careful when designing products. I like challenging (challenging what?) ; I had arranged ~~myself~~ to go to an American language school to study to improve my English. I was looking forward to experiencing the American culture and observing the lifestyle they live. You can never really get into their culture from the internet or books. Although the internet is ~~has been~~ well-developed, you need to experience it (the internet?) yourself to internalize.

Nikoer30127 · Answer

HI!Thank you very much for proofreading. It's a translation of my friend's autography. I'll give you the last few paragraphs, perhaps it allows you to read it easier.( He is still studying in graduate school and has already finished serving in the military) Sorry, I really like tranlation, but I always make mistakes no matter how hard working I am. It's driving me crazy... Thank you for helping me again! ps. I'm sorry, what does that mean when you highlighted some words in yellow?
I’m currently in my second year Applied Arts at xxxx University. I graduated from xxxxUniversity, in the Department of Industrial Design . I have been working hard for my studies of design as my future direction due to my passion for design. I’m glad that I have this opportunity to apply for the exchange student program and self-check by writing an autobiography in the meantime.
During my university studies, although my studying process had gone smoothly, my grades were average. However, I decided to follow my interest, Industrial Design, when I was choosing the department. I’ve learned a lot about industrial design and simple techniques; also, I’d seriously gone inside of the design studios to practise that helped me develop the abilities of multi-thinking(I want to say that I have lots of different thoughts in a good way, is there a word for this? )(what is multi-thinking?) during the summer vacation. I understood how to design or what’s the design for by strong training, especially I encountered great difficulties of my two final projects in my senior years, the problems hadn’t been solved for weeks, but I’d learned the greatest experience that I could never realize from the text books after rethinking and discussing again where the main problem was. (Run-on sentence - it it too long and it loses any meaning.) Nevertheless, not only did I increase my knowledge but also I won a silver medal in Young Designer’s Exhibition and had stunning performances inTaiwaninternational Design Competition.
I planned to serve the military after graduating from college.
Before serving in the military, I luckily met a teacher who was an expert in patenting. He taught me how to design/apply for a fine patent (You apply for a patent, not write one. A patent application is approved by the government. ) and what details I should be aware of to protect my own intellectual property rights; as a result, I will be more careful when designing products. I like challenging myself in any kinds of difficult environment. (challenging what?) ; I had arranged to go to an American language school to study to improve my English. I was looking forward to experiencing the American culture and observing the lifestyle they live. You can never really get into their culture from the internet or books. Although the internet is well-developed, you need to experience the American culturethe internet?) yourself to internalize.
ps. I rewrite some words in blue that you checked for me, is there anything I should improve?
new paragraphs below
Although the term of serving military has been cut down to eleven months, and the days wear on like years beyond my expectation. As a Corporal, I could feel a totally different kind of system operating. From a solider as a learner to become a corporal as a leader, I’d learned to use multi-intellectual to get along well with different types of people; also, I needed to complete the missions which were given by the chiefs, I was glad that I had handled them very well. I’d been thinking over again and again for my future direction, my body and my mind also had been tested under this rough circumstance. After finishing serving in the military, I could be perfectly calm to deal with any challenges due to such a suffering environment.
While serving the military, I had experienced the epitome of real life. The limitation of education background and the requirements of working experiences in all respects encouraged me to continue studying graduate school. Finally, I was enrolled byInstituteofApplied ArtsatNationalChiaoTungUniversity, and this is what I have been studying now.
When I’m in graduate school, I’ve taken several courses that are related to industrial design which improved my weakest skills; I’ve taken other different kinds of classes as well such as visual design and architectural design. By participating in different academic fields of studies, I’ve understood more about design and feel more substantial. I believe that I’m inspired to create various novelties in virtue of different kinds of students who are from different fields of studies in graduate school; moreover, getting along with classmates is one of the methods to learn. I realized the importance of the interaction among different fields of studies by using the most effective solution and professional knowledge to solve the problems successfully with the help of the classmates who were expert in filming in the design of product class of my first year. Furthermore, I won a gold medal award in Great design Competition. The teachers see my devotion to design; I had once cooperated with my teachers to design an auto machine that can return books and lend books to people by itself during the summer vacation; thereafter, I will assist my teachers from visual design department in displaying products in foreign countries.
I truly realized that only so we accumulate abundant life experiences and new things that we can advance our knowledge, because of this reason, it enhances my motivation of applying for exchange student program. I hope to broaden my horizons and become a muti-thinking person.
Thank you for reading my autobiography!

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The yellow highlighting means bad spelling or incorrect word usage.

Nikoer30127 · Answer

I see , thank you !

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hello; There are still many problems. Perhaps my comments were not very clear. I am sorry for that.
Why doesn't your friend write his own autobiography in English? If he is going to be in the US, he will have to have good communication skills, and be able to read, write, speak, and listen in English.
-------------------------------

I’m currently in my second year of study in the field of Applied Arts at xxxx University. I graduated from xxxxUniversity, in the Department of Industrial Design . I have been working hard ~~for my studies of design as my future direction~~ due to my passion for ~~design~~ and my desire to make a career in design. . I’m glad that I have this opportunity to ~~apply for the~~ participate in your exchange student program ~~and self-check by writing an autobiography in the meantime~~.
During my university studies, although my studying process had gone smoothly, my grades were average. (Do you really want to say that you are an average student? Will average students be accepted in such a program?) However, I decided to follow my interest, Industrial Design, when I was choosing the department (for graduate school or after leaving high school?) . I’ve learned a lot about industrial design and simple techniques (what kind of techniques? Drawing, painting, manufacturing, model making?) ; (run-on sentences are very bad style) also, ~~I’d seriously gone inside of the~~ I worked in some design studios to practise (End of sentence here?) that helped me develop the abilities of multi-thinking(I want to say that I have lots of different thoughts in a good way, is there a word for this? creative thinking / thinking artistiallyc? )(what is multi-thinking?) during ~~the~~ (one) summer vacation. I understood how to design or what’s the design for by (don't put these two prepositions together) intense ~~strong~~ training, especially I encountered great difficultiesin of my two final senior year projects ~~in my senior years~~, the problems hadn’t been solved for weeks (did other people try to solve them, and you found the solution for them?) , but I’d learned the greatest experience (no - you can't learn an experience, you have an experience. Or you can learn by experience) that I could never realize from the text books after rethinking and discussing again where the main problem was. (Run-on sentence - it it too long and it loses any meaning. Run-on sentences - very long rambling sentences are very bad style) Nevertheless, not only did I increase my knowledge but also I won a silver medal in Young Designer’s Exhibition and had stunning performances inTaiwaninternational Design Competition.
I planned to serve in the military after graduating from college.
Before serving in the military, I luckily met a teacher who was an expert in patents. ~~patenting~~. He taught me how to write a patent application ~~design/apply for a fine patent~~ (You apply for a patent, not write one. A patent application is approved by the government. ) and what details I should be aware of to protect my own intellectual property rights; as a result, I will be more careful when designing products. I like challenging myself in any kinds of difficult environments. ; I had arranged to go to an American language school to study to improve my English. I was looking forward to experiencing ~~the~~ American culture and observing their lifestyle ~~they live~~. You can never really get into their culture from the internet or books. Although the internet is well-developed, you need to experience the American culturethe internet?) yourself to internalize it.

ps. I rewrite some words in blue that you checked for me, is there anything I should improve? There are still lots of problems, especially the run-on sentences. It is not logical or well-designed text- the reader does not know what phase of your life you are talking about. 1) high school, 2) undergraduate studies , 3) military service 4) one summer vacation 5) graduate school. Be clear about what activities you did and when you did them.

Although the term of serving military has been cut down to eleven months, ~~and~~ the days wear on like years beyond my expectation. As a corporal, I could feel a totally different kind of system operating (I don't understand. Do you mean that military life is different from civilian life?) . From a solider as a learner to become a corporal as a leader, I’d learned to use multi-intellectual (not a word in English) to get along well with different types of people; (more run-on sentences here!) also, I needed to complete the missions which were given by the chiefs, I was glad that I had handled them very well. I’d been thinking over again and again for my future direction, my body and my mind also had been tested under this rough circumstance. After finishing serving in the military, I could be perfectly calm to deal with any challenges due to such a suffering environment.
While serving the military, I had experienced the epitome of real life. The limitation of education background and the requirements of working experiences in all respects encouraged me to continue studying graduate school. Finally, I was enrolled byInstituteofApplied ArtsatNationalChiaoTungUniversity, and this is what I am ~~have been~~ studying now.
~~When I’m~~ in graduate school, I’ve taken several courses that are related to industrial design which improved my weakest skills; (more run-on sentences here!) I’ve taken other different kinds of classes as well such as visual design and architectural design. By participating in different academic fields of studies (this is called multi-disciplinary), I’ve understood more about design and feel more substantial. I believe that I’m inspired to create various novelties (a novelty is usually a cheap toy or souvenir for tourists) in virtue of different kinds of students who are from different fields of studies in graduate school; (more run-on sentences here!) moreover, getting along with classmates is one of the methods to learn (I don't understand what you mean here) . I realized the importance of the interaction among different fields of studies by using the most effective solution and professional knowledge to solve the problems successfully with the help of the classmates who were expert in filming in the design of product class of my first year. Furthermore, I won a gold medal award in Great design Competition. The teachers see my devotion to design; (more run-on sentences here!) I had once cooperated with my teachers to design an auto machine that can return books and lend books to people ~~by itself~~ during the summer vacation; (more run-on sentences here!) I thereafter, I will assist my teachers from the visual design department in displaying products in foreign countries. (do you mean the design for display cases?)
I truly realized that only so we accumulate abundant life experiences and new things that we can advance our knowledge, become a muti-thinking person.
Thank you for reading my autobiography!

HI! How to write to sound like a native speaker?

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