Hi everyone. This is my essay about Modern forms of communication. Please help me correct it. Thank you for spending time on my essay. :D

Question

Essay topics: Modern forms of communication such as email and messaging have reduced the amount of time people spend seeing their friends. This has had a negative effect on their social lives.What extent do you agree or disagree?Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.It can not be denied that development of technologies changes our lives and ways to communicate with other people. As a consequence, appearances of email and messaging allow everyone to abridge dramatically their time to connect to community. Personally, due to this, their social lives have been negatively influenced.There are some main reasons to demonstrate benefits of these categories of communication. First, as mentioned above, it helps them to reduce considerably time that is spent seeing their friends and relatives by sending messages or mails instead of writing letters at a slow pace because they all afford to owe their own mobile phones or laptops. Second, their notifications and messages will be transferred directly to receivers without being sent to the wrong addresses. It is so useful and convenient in modern and busy life.However, this also causes an inevitable negative effect on their social lives. First, it makes their social relationships become worse and worse. My witness, for instance, when I take a walk around the streets, I catch a variety of couples inside the restaurants even on the streets focus on their mobile phones and neglect their pals. Second, many people have tendency to depend on these modern devices that results they will isolate themselves from social communities so that their necessary skills such as presentations before the crowds, ability to adapt to the real world… will be worn out. Finally, owing to these modern types of communication, they are unable to express fully emotions to recipients instead of writing letters.In conclusion, it is difficult to refuse strongpoints of these modern form of communication but everyone need to recognize its drawbacks and harm to their social lives to make their lives more practical.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Cao Nh?t PhiGive reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The instructions tell you to give your own personal experiences. You have just talked about some indefinite, vague disembodied "they" or "them" without telling the reader who you are talking about. You need to give your own opinion clearly and unambiguously.

~~It can not be denied that~~ (Passive-it openings are avoided by strong writers. Good writers just make a direct statement.) Development of technologies has dramatically changed our lives and the ways we communicate with other people. As a consequence, appearances ( What an email looks like? ) of email and messaging allow everyone to abridge dramatically their time (unnatural. "Abridge" is used with dictionaries or legal rights, not time. ) to connect to community. (? I don't know what it means to connect to community.) ) Personally, due to this, their (Whose? When you say "Personally" I expect a personal statement such as: "my life has been...") social lives have been negatively influenced. (You need to state your opinion in the first paragraph.)

There are some (You give two, so say two. Some is very vague. ) ~~main reasons to demonstrate~~ (reasons do not demonstrate.) benefits of these categories of communication. First, as mentioned above, it helps them (Who?) to reduce considerably (missing word) time that is spent seeing their friends and relatives (So is not seeing your friends very much a benefit?) by sending messages or mails instead of writing letters at a slow pace because (non sequitur. I don't understand your logic. You avoid seeing your friends by texting them instead of writing letters because they have electronic devices?) ) they all afford to owe (??) their own mobile phones or laptops. Second, their (whose?) notifications and messages will be transferred directly to (missing word) receivers without being sent to the wrong addresses. (In my experience, I often get an email address incorrect and it goes to the wrong person. Also, I get email from people who were sending it to someone else.) It is so useful and convenient in modern and busy life.(wrong form)

However, this also causes an inevitable negative effect on their (whose?) social lives. First, it makes their (whose?)social relationships become worse and worse. My witness, (wrong word. A witness is someone that sees a crime and testifies in court.) for instance, when I take a walk around the streets, I catch a variety of couples inside the restaurants even on the streets focus (wrong form) on their mobile phones and neglect their pals. Second, many people have (missing word) tendency to depend on these modern devices (your sentence goes off track here. It becomes ungrammatical) that results they will isolate themselves from social communities so that their necessary skills such as presentations before the crowds, ability to adapt to the real world… will be worn out. Finally, owing to these modern types of communication, they are unable to express fully emotions to recipients instead of writing letters. (?? You say they have a choice of 1) expressing their emotions and 2) writing letters. This is an incongruous choice.)

In conclusion, it is difficult to refuse (wrong word) strongpoints of these modern form (wrong form) of communication but everyone need (wrong form) to recognize its drawbacks and harm to their social lives to make their lives more practical. (?)

Hi everyone. This is my essay about Modern forms of communication. Please help me correct it. Thank you for spending time on my essay. :D

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions