Hi Can you please help me with my Personal statement for Grad school?

Question

Hey guys

could you have a look at the following paragraphs? it's for my statement of purpose for a graduate study in music technology.

For as long as i can remember, music has always been a prominent part of my life. My passion for music and sound developed when i was gifted my first programmable synthesizer, since then, my interest in technology has began to expand. suddenly i found myself reading more about synthesis methods and user manual of every synthesizer i get my hands on. being brought up by an xxxx diplomat father, i had the chance to travel and experience different cultures and its music traditions. which has built a deep appreciation for music instruments and a fascination for the science of sound.

Throughout my college years, i had the opportunity to study business administration and finance to grasp the fundamentals of business process while maintaining the development of my music knowledge. Post graduation, i’ve decided to take a gap year to research and experiment with sound design and recording process. However, at times, i’ve found myself struggling to create the sounds as accurate as the ones in my thoughts, Which led me to register for a course at XXXXX New York, an electronic music school. Now that i’ve completed the course, i was inspired to push myself to obtain a higher education in this field. my next step was to apply for my graduate studies.

I chose to apply for the Masters of Music technology program at XXXX to further attain my goals of understanding the link between performance of the musicians and the technical implementation of various stages of recording process. i wish to become a tonmeister to be able expand my creative horizon in sound art and technology. Furthermore, i would like to obtain an excellent audio engineer hearing to be able to render quality post-production that would eventually get me to the forefront of the music industry. I plan to use my expertise in the industry and expand further in my home country, where the music industry lacks professionalism. i plan to start a recording studio and record label to promote sound art and motion pictures. i realize that this would be a challenging task without the proper education and that is why
i’ve done my research and found XXX M.M in music technology program that suits me best.

Thank you very much!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hello Reirei;

Welcome to English Forums.
We are volunteers helping students learn correct grammar.
It this the actual text of your personal statement that you are going to submit?

Do you know that "i" is not a valid English word?
Do you know that sentences must begin with a capital letter?

Reirei · Answer

Hello AIpheccaStras;

Yes this is the personal statement i intend to submit.

I'm unaware of that, but i remember that "i" is frowned upon in proper english writing. I'm unable to avoid the use of "i" since its very hard to express personal experiences without using it ! could you please advice me
thanks !

AlpheccaStars · Answer

reireiI'm unable to avoid the use of "i" since its very hard to express personal experiences without using it ! could you please advice me

Yes, I can advise you. It's easy. Change all the i's to I's.

Also English is always capitalized in formal writing.

Are you a native English speaker? Did you study in a university that had English as its primary language of instruction?

Reirei · Answer

AlpheccaStars reireiI'm unable to avoid the use of "i" since its very hard to express personal experiences without using it ! could you please advice meYes, I can advise you. It's easy. Change all the i's to I's.Also English is always capitalized in formal writing.Are you a native English speaker? Did you study in a university that had English as its primary language of instruction?

Im not a native English speaker

. However, I (see I'm learning) used to be really good At English. Maybe its been too long since I wrote formal English. Also I ran short on time so I wrote this personal statement on high stress level.
Im such a disaster !

I've changed a couple of things just to make it more pleasant to read ! Please let me know what you think.

For as long as I can remember, music has always been a prominent part of my life. My passion for music and sound developed when I was gifted my first programmable synthesizer, since then, my interest in technology has began to expand. Suddenly, I found myself reading more about synthesis methods and user manual of every synthesizer I get my hands on. Being brought up by an xxxx diplomat father, I had the chance to travel and experience different cultures and its music traditions. Which has built a deep appreciation for music instruments and a fascination for the science of sound.

Throughout my college years, I had the opportunity to study business administration and finance to grasp the fundamentals of business process while maintaining the development of my music knowledge. Post graduation, I’ve decided to take a gap year to research and experiment with sound design and recording process. However, at times, I’ve found myself struggling to create the sounds as accurate as the ones in my thoughts, Which led me to register for a course at XXXXX New York, an electronic music school. Now that I’ve completed the course, I was inspired to push myself to obtain a higher education in this field. My next step was to apply for my graduate studies.

Choosing to apply for the Masters of Music technology program at XXXX would be a great leverage to further attain my goals of understanding the link between performance of the musicians and the technical implementation of various stages of recording process. I wish to become a tonmeister to be able expand my creative horizon in sound art and technology. Furthermore, this program would allow me to obtain an excellent audio engineer hearing to be able to render quality post-production that would eventually get me to the forefront of the music industry. I plan to use my expertise in the industry and expand further in my home country, where the music industry lacks professionalism. My plan to start a recording studio and record label to promote sound art and motion pictures, would be a dream to bring sound professionalism to emerging art market in developing countries. Realizing that this would be a challenging task, a proper education is important to achieve every step in my career plan.
I’ve done my research and found *** M.M in music technology program suits me best.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Here are some suggestions. The yellow highlighted areas are "malfunctions."

For as long as I can remember, music has always (repetitious with the first adverbial) been a prominent part of my life. My passion for music and sound developed when I was gifted my first programmable synthesizer, since then, my interest in technology has began to expand. Suddenly, I found myself reading more about synthesis methods in the user manual of every synthesizer I could get my hands on. Being brought up by an xxxx diplomat father (in the family of a diplomat from Austria), I had the chance to travel and experience different cultures and its music traditions. Which has built a deep appreciation for musical instruments and a fascination with the science of sound.

Throughout my college years, I had the opportunity to study business administration and finance ~~to grasp the fundamentals of business processes~~ (unnecessary) while maintaining the development of my music knowledge. Post graduation, I’ve decided to take a gap year to research and experiment with sound design and recording processes. However, at times, I’ve found myself struggling to create the sounds as accurate as the ones in my thoughts, Which led me to register for a course at XXXXX New York, an electronic music school. Now that I’ve completed the course, I was inspired to push myself to obtain a higher education in this field~~. My next step was to~~ and apply for my graduate studies.

Choosing to apply for (The choice does not do you any good at all. Completing the program does.) the Masters of Music technology program at XXXX would be a great asset ~~leverage~~ to further attain my goals of understanding the link between the performances of ~~the~~ musicians and the technicalities ~~implementation~~ of the various stages of recording process. I wish to become a tonmeister to be able expand my creative horizons in sound art and technology. Furthermore, this program would allow me to obtain an excellent audio engineer hearing (?? Not sure what you mean.) to be able to render quality post-production soundtracks (?) that would eventually get me to the forefront of the music industry. I plan to use my expertise in the industry ~~and expand further~~ (to pursue a career)? in my home country, where the music industry lacks professionalism. My plan to start a recording studio and record label to promote sound art and motion pictures, would be a dream to bring sound professionalism to emerging art market in developing countries. Realizing that this would be a challenging task, a proper education is important to achieve every step in my career plan.
I’ve done my research and found *** M.M in music technology program suits me best.

Hi Can you please help me with my Personal statement for Grad school?

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