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Aleks Gasiunas Posted 11 years ago
Hey, I'm new here and would like some constructive criticism
I just finished writing this poem, it's about how you run through different memories every night before falling asleep.
The dissociation between the first and second line, and the third and fourth line of each stanza is deliberate. I tried to portray the erratic thought process of switching from one memory to another. I'm not too happy with this poem so I thought you guys could help me clean it up.
Untitled.
Oh. I forgot. The museum.
I visit it every night, before I go to sleep,
I bring along a brush and some paint, and kind of drag my feet,
It’s not that I don’t want to go…
But I’ve been there too often.
I walk in through the door that’s always unlocked,
Still, no-one would answer if I were to knock,
Sometimes I stay there for hours on end…
I don’t have much of a choice I guess.
Well anyway, I add little details to the paintings,
It helps pass the time while I'm waiting,
For all of the lights to turn off…
I’ve been there so often, it came as a shock,
When I noticed the paint was starting to fade,
And now all that is left are the marks I had made.
Serves me right I guess…
And now I’m here in this room,
What was once beautiful, untouched, unscathed,
Is now a disorderly mess with a single coat of paint.
I can’t stand to be here…
But I don’t have much of a choice I guess...
The dissociation between the first and second line, and the third and fourth line of each stanza is deliberate. I tried to portray the erratic thought process of switching from one memory to another. I'm not too happy with this poem so I thought you guys could help me clean it up.
Untitled.
Oh. I forgot. The museum.
I visit it every night, before I go to sleep,
I bring along a brush and some paint, and kind of drag my feet,
It’s not that I don’t want to go…
But I’ve been there too often.
I walk in through the door that’s always unlocked,
Still, no-one would answer if I were to knock,
Sometimes I stay there for hours on end…
I don’t have much of a choice I guess.
Well anyway, I add little details to the paintings,
It helps pass the time while I'm waiting,
For all of the lights to turn off…
I’ve been there so often, it came as a shock,
When I noticed the paint was starting to fade,
And now all that is left are the marks I had made.
Serves me right I guess…
And now I’m here in this room,
What was once beautiful, untouched, unscathed,
Is now a disorderly mess with a single coat of paint.
I can’t stand to be here…
But I don’t have much of a choice I guess...
Top answer
This is okay as written and quite a daring concept for a non-native speaker writing in English, that is, the dissociation of lines in a poem in order to depict the confused state of a mind racing through memories before dozing off. The only problem I can see is that without your explanation of what's going on, readers would not know what you're trying to do. "
- This is okay as written and quite a daring concept for a non-native speaker writing in English, that is, the dissociation of lines in a poem in order to depict the confused state of a mind racing through memories before dozing off.
- The only problem I can see is that without your explanation of what's going on, readers would not know what you're trying to do.
- "
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3 Answers
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This is okay as written and quite a daring concept for a non-native speaker writing in English, that is, the dissociation of lines in a poem in order to depict the confused state of a mind racing through memories before dozing off. The only problem I can see is that without your explanation of what's going on, readers would not know what you're trying to do. Maybe if you title it something like:
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AnonymousThe only problem I can see is that without your explanation of what's going on, readers would not know what you're trying to do.My thoughts exactly. I thought I could solve this through punctuation. That being said I think a good title would also do the trick. But "A mind racing through memories just before before dozing off" is a bit of a mouthful
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Aleks GasiunasI just finished writing this poem, it's about how you run through different memories every night before falling asleep.
They don't look like different memories to me.
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