Here is my introduction, is it okay? Please help me check this!

Question

" The bar chart illustrates information about the percentages of two things (health and money) which bring people satisfaction of their lives and either health or money which would make them happiest depends on which age group they belong to"

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

walk ladder 314 Here is my introduction, is it okay? Please help me check this!

" The bar chart illustrates (4.) information about (1. ) the percentages of two things (health and money) (2, 3.) which bring people satisfaction of their lives and either health or money ( 5.) which would make them happiest depends on which age group they belong to" (6, 7)

It has many fundamental flaws.

1. "information about" is very vague. It tells the reader basically nothing.

2. Percentage of money - that is an amount of money that is a proportion of some total amount. I spend 10% of my take-home pay on eating out.

3. Percent of health makes no sense at all. Health cannot be divided up into percentage points.

4. "illustrate" is not a good verb for graphs and charts.

5. Repetition of the phrase "health and money" is bad style.

6. The paragraph is faulty. Each paragraph must do one thing. Paragraph 1: describe the graphic. Paragraph 2: give two or three highlights of the information content. Paragraph 3: give details.

You have smashed together Paragraph 1 and Paragraph 2 into one intricate sentence.

7. The sentence is so long and complex that it falls apart into a mess. It is not understandable.

Here is my introduction, is it okay? Please help me check this!

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