Help with sentence variety!

Question

Revising a paper, I'm faced with 3 sentences in a paragraph that start the same way: dependant clause, independant clause. How can I add some variety to this?

I want to leave my first sentence as-is and revise the following two sentences:

After the Wallace Expedition had returned, a local businessman decided to take a caravan to Goose Bay. Although he was unable to get government support, Robert Bartlett was determined to establish a business in fur and fish products.

Any suggestions on how to make this flow better?

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

Valinovahow to make this flow better?

I think you'll need to give us all three sentences. It's as if you've started a story for which you won't tell us the beginning and asked us to continue the story in a logical way. How do we do that if we don't know the beginning of the story?

Your sentences seem to flow well as they are, by the way, so there may not be much that really needs revision.

CJ

Valinova · Answer

My apologies ... that would probably help, wouldn't it?

Here is the entire paragraph. Note the repetitive sentence structure:

When the caribou had largely disappeared, the trappers began to work as guides for explorers and other groups of hunters crossing the Torngat Mountains. After the Wallace Expedition had returned, a local businessman decided to take a caravan to Goose Bay. Although he was unable to get government support, Robert Bartlett was determined to establish a business in fur and fish products.

CalifJim · Answer

Without further context, I get what caribou, trappers, explorers, and hunters are, and I'm comfortable with the geographical place name Torngat Mountains. The return of the "Wallace Expedition" is a bit of a shock, however, as there is no mention of who Wallace is, let alone the fact that he was on an expedition. I didn't know they had gone on an expedition, or who they were, and they're already returning! Dang! I missed something there.

Similarly, I think the "local businessman" is in fact "Robert Bartlett", but the way it's written, I'm not absolutely sure since the references appear in two different sentences. I'd probably bring in the name with the first reference: After ..., local businessman Robert Bartlett decided to ....

Something is a bit disconnected between the three sentences, to tell the truth. There are a number of facts, but something isn't "hanging together", if you know what I mean.

1. The caribou disappeared.
1. Trappers began to work as guides. (They were trapping caribou? I thought they shot them, not trapped them.)
2. The Wallace Expedition returned. (Was this expedition guided by these trappers?)
2. A businessman (Bartlett?) decided to take a caravan to Goose Bay. (Is that where the expedition returned from? Your account makes it seem that the return of the expedition is what drove the businessman toward his decision. Is that the impression you intended to convey? If so, there may be a way to make the connection more explicit.)
3. Bartlett tried to get government support. (But for what? For the caravan? To establish a fur and fish business?)
3. Bartlett failed to get government support.
3. Bartlett was determined to establish a business. (At Goose Bay? Maybe I'm being dense, but I'm not sure that's what you mean.)

I know this sounds like a lot of criticism

, but it's just what comes to mind as I read what you've written. You might want to take these points into consideration when doing a revision.

Why not try a revision? It's possible that in addressing the points I've mentioned, the sentence structures will automatically come out more like you want them.

CJ

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