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Walk panda Posted 9 years ago
Letter Writing

Help with proofreading for a motivation letter for University Studies

Hi everyone;

My name is Mostafa, and I'm writing a motivation letter for a scholarship. Therefore, a good motivation letter probably get the good impression above all.

So could anyone help me to correct my letter? all comments are very welcome

Thanks for reading. Have a nice day, friends!

Here it is:

To: Admission department


Dear Sir/Madam;

I am writing this letter with a strong will to apply as the XXX scholarship program participant for M.Sc. in "XXX" at XXX University . The degree from one of the most creative, recognized and honorable art and design faculties is my chance for making a substantial progress in personal career to make my way out on the harsh nowadays market and thus contribute to development of Egyptian planning and construction industry.

There is a famous quote which has been used widely by many of Egyptian responsible developers after our political changes in 2011, "A bright future in an ancient land". This quote always inspired me and work me up to contribute in the development and take my responsibility to achieve this dream and reach that bright future. Therefore, during my higher education period I have participated in many NGO's, the thing that give me the chance to have a close contact to the others in the most developing parts all-over my country. By such contact, I have observed that many problems retard our progress, and one of them is the lag in hazards monitoring and risk assessment, which resulting to many buildings collapse and construction accidents.

Buildings collapse is commonplace here, barely a week goes by without news of a collapsed one (1). The phenomenon that represents an enormous lag in risk assessment and disaster management. Due to this lag numerous Egyptians lose their lives, their belongings and become homeless. I was an eye-witness on one of this catastrophes, when a building collapsed near my neighborhood (2). Although no deaths or injuries, all the households ended up homeless and furthermore lost their assets in a moment. According to EIPR report (3), the causes behind these crises vary between shoddy construction work and other natural hazards.

As a structural engineer in a well-known engineering and construction company, I have the opportunity to participate in a number of complex and strategic projects. This give me an in-depth sight on the ways of risk analysis and management of such multidisciplinary integrated projects. Thus I have notice that despite there is some concern on safety matters in these projects, still there are a considerable number of deaths and injuries. As indicated in the health and safety executive annual report (4) of the firm where I work (as a case study), the following graph illustrates the total number of accidents due to lag of risk assessment and management, over a 5 years period in all construction sites.


I understand that there are many people suffering due to this harmful issue. So, finding solution is a must, and I hope to be a part of this solution.

After obtaining a master’s degree from XXX, I'm aiming to achieve different goals. My short term goal is to work in the sector of project management and construction industry as a leading planning or structural engineer. In general, I'm pleased by studying of hazard monitoring and assessment of different types of structures. During my study in Germany, I would like to get an internship, if possible, in some related enterprises besides the scientific study. Reading a lot of technical news, I understood that German companies have a respectable foundation in the field of risk analysis, planning and management over the world. For example, XXXX, is a leading German company in engineering consulting & planning. Being admitted to the training in such companies can provide me the most up-to-date expertise in the aspects of risk analysis and planning, which I wish to apply in one of home organizations.


The crucial long term goal I aim to, is to make a noticeable contribution to quality betterment of risk assessment and disaster management in the Egypt construction market. I am pretty sure that gaining such knowledge from the master’s degree programme through the intensive and application-based advanced courses of study, will be the gate for further researches to find a solution for the previously mentioned issue and to assist in that improvement.


In my opinion the German university system is very beneficial and attractive for the following reasons, learned from students who studied in Germany and other internet sources. Firstly, the combination between theory and practice is a great factor that will greatly facilitate my career. By offering field trainings, laboratory investigations and internships, one can develop skills in application-based side and be able to deal with real engineering problems. Secondly, the interdisciplinary knowledge, by connecting the scientific subject, engineering for my case, with other related areas of natural, social sciences and economics rather than studying a blind science. Though my home university’s department in Cairo provides its students with well-educated and competitive scientific subjects, in comparison with German universities it's a little bit lagging behind in this aspect. Thus, by dealing with this way of study, I'd like to broaden my horizons and generate an integrated vision about my field of study. Thirdly, one of my interests lies in learning of the different nations’ mental specifics. The fact that 12% of the students in German universities come from abroad (20% in XXX), will allow me to interact with foreigners and discover them. Furthermore, I'm really into volunteering, and I found that there are many chances for helping the community and do volunteer work generally in XXX and particularly in XXXX.


My choice to study (XXX) master’s degree programme at XXX is motivated by the next taught disciplines which will be helpful in my aimed career. The module «Applied mathematics and stochastics for risk assessment» will provides me with basic concepts in risk assessment by means of FORM and Monte Carlo simulations. The core module «Primary hazards and risks» will be useful in defining the seismic and wind hazard effects on structures, as well as handling with different types of sensors and data acquisition instruments. Also, I'm looking forward to visit the seismic station in the Park Cave to see the visualization of earthquake activity records over the world. «Earthquake engineering and structural design» module would deepen my knowledge of the difference between international seismic codes. «Disaster management and mitigation strategies» this program is very interesting to me due to its content that representing intermixing of technical, managerial and social disciplines. Specially the (Postwar Cities) part, which study the subject of reconstructing cities after war damage. The thing that become a regional need, like in the case of Syria, Libya and Yemen and I wish to contribute in that reconstruction. In addition, the elective modules are very effective, like «Multi-Hazard and risk assessment» & «Risk projects and evaluation of structures» modules, which covering the main topics of procedures and developments in multi-hazard assessment and vulnerability assessment, besides giving case studies of these topics.


Last but not least, I graduated with a B.Sc. degree (with honors) in civil engineering from Cairo University in May 2013 and I was among the top 10% of my class with a GPA of 3/4. During my undergraduate studies I took advanced structural analysis and design courses, in addition to undertaking several summer internships in major construction projects. After my graduation project I managed to lead a team of study colleagues for participating in the Egyptian Engineering Day 2013 (EED 13) with a well-designed structural project where we used a new statically systems, under supervision of the head of metallic structures department in our college. Our team showed very good presentation and we were ranked 2nd among 10 participated civil projects. I highly appreciate this experience as it was my first serious successful professional management practice. Moreover, I have gained professional experience by joining 2 different reputable and highly specialized engineering firms in Egypt. These all besides volunteering in various NGO's.


To sum up, I aspire to study at XXX in order to obtain creative and ultra-modern technical sense according to the vision of "XXX of 21st century". My educational results, professional experience as well as communication and leadership potential prove that I am basically prepared to apply for this degree. With the confidence of being selected, I am looking forward to a reply.


Yours sincerely,



  
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