Help With Motivational Letter?

Hello there, I am trying to apply to a scholarship program that focuses on enterpreneurship in technology - I would appreciate it very much if you could offer me suggestions on how I can improve my letter and make it shorter and more concise !
I removed all the names from the letter, not sure why, I just know everyone else is doing it!

Thank you everyone!

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the full scholarship for non-EU students to the XX school with the major in Internet Architecture and Technology starting in August 2014.
I am confident that XX School will, by providing me with both a strong theoretical and practical knowledge in the chosen major, and the tools for using that knowledge, help me achieve my goal and aspiration to have a fulfilling and challenging career where I would grow and express my passion for helping people.

There are a few key reasons why I want to study at your program. First of all, this is the only program I have found that combines both my favourite area in Computing - Computer Networks, and what would later be my career choice - entrepreneurship. I believe that XX will provide me with a needed mindset by teaching me transferable skills such as critical thinking, evaluating and reflecting on my actions, learning from my failures, managing a team, risk taking and dealing with obstacles and crisis. Furthermore, in this day and age, where knowledge about any subject is growing larger than any one course or program can contain, differently conceived programs wouldn’t prepare me for the next 30 years of my life.
From talking to your student ZZ, who is majoring in ITA, I am convinced that XX is a place that constantly evolves, grows and innovates. A place where students are encouraged to explore new ways of utilizing the new found discoveries in Internet and technology, and where their innovative spirit is nurtured.
As a starting point of my program - my first choice was TU Berlin, because the head professors had outstanding publications. Also, after talking to JG and CS who are currently studying and working at TUB, with their very thoughtful and honest responses, they strengthened my belief that according to my passions and interests, TUB and more specifically the INET group is the place for me. I was excited to hear about their demanding summer Routers course, and the informal friday meetings where they discuss projects and ideas in cosy atmosphere drinking Mate tea.

I am currently finishing my bachelor studies at the FTS, NS. For two years, I have received a state grant for academic excellence, awarded to the student who achieved maximal efficiency during studies and had a GPA over 8.5. Furthermore, my professors have recognized my quality as a student, and accordingly, two of them invited me to help them by teaching students on their courses, which is what I am currently doing.
Beside the formal education I received, I additionally educated myself online, by the means of online courseware and MOOCs (Massive Open Online Course), which provided deeper knowledge on the topics I already had within my study program, and introduced me to topics completely new to me. This has also familiarized me with diverse and new methods of teaching.
The course I value the most is Richard Buckland’s “The Art Of Programming” (University of New South Wales). Where students, while learning, were working together to solve puzzles. We were taught to always question everything, and I got to experience first-hand, the power of sharing knowledge between students. Richard has taught me what it means to be a good programmer, and to have a critical mindset.

What attracts me to Internet Technologies in particular, is this magical combination of, on one side, complex and abstract, and on the other side very practical and useful. Computer Networks get my brain working by using mathematics, physics and statistics to solve practical, real world problems in unobvious and surprising ways. I like everything from the cables, physics and hardware up to the layer dealing with users. But most of all I love the way of thinking I have to develop to be good at networking, and that is being a critical and sceptical thinker who doesn’t take anything at face value.
I am very much interested in deepening my theoretical knowledge in Internet Technologies and also very excited to obtain more practical skills and hands-on experience. It’s safe to say, from my correspondences with Puneeth, Christian and Johannes, that TU Berlin is the right place for this.

However, while Networks are what I want to do in my life, being an entrepreneur for me is how I want to live my life. I consider entrepreneurship to be a remarkable path for personal growth and self discovery that will allow me to have an impact on the world.
What would make me a good entrepreneur, is my ability to notice the changes in the environment, and the new ways of thinking that should be developed in order to solve the newly arisen problems. I am also very good at noticing the distractions/boredom people are experiencing while doing their work, that hinders their creative potential. Namely, when I started working with Linux and using productivity tools such as the Linux command line and Emacs text editor, I noticed what energy boost I get when I would figure out how to tell the machine to do the repetitive uncreative tasks for me, instead of doing them myself. My goal is to figure out, for anyone interested, how to tell their machines to do boring tasks for them, and thus free them of these distractions that hinder their creative potential.

Since I believe people can do more when they are feeling good and confident, I have the ability to motivate, encourage and teach them, and make them see what they can accomplish.
The first notable opportunity I got to put these words into action is when I volunteered by teaching Roma children basic math. This is where I saw first-hand what kind of impact the attitude of a teacher made on the amount of motivation and thinking children were willing to put in solving the problem. I learned how influencing someone's confidence would influence their performance. The most rewarding thing from that experience was when one boy told me that I was the best math teacher he ever had.
Another opportunity was when my Professor YY asked me to help her on her course Compilers. This has also given me an opportunity to take concrete action on my deep dissatisfaction with the conservative educational system, and my vision about the way it should be. Specifically, to take advantage of the student collective by providing them with an interactive learning environment where they can collaborate, help and learn from each other, and experiment with the course material by completing interactive activities. This learning system would be more appropriate to this era, and would make use of didactical tools such as gamification. My professor was open to the idea, and we started developing a website that will be used for that. Furthermore she assigned projects to her current student where they would create activities for the website, that future students would complete.This helped them get familiarized with the subject at hand, and also do something that would be of use to many students in the future. The tutor at the course I will also be volunteering at next semester, Lazar Stricevic, mSC also took interest in this website, and we will try to put it to use in his course.

I constantly improve myself and learn by systematically reflecting on my daily activities and implementing knowledge gained from reading extensive literature in psychology, and how it can be used to make one more productive and organized. This already provides me with a sufficient toolset for solving the threats and emergency situations. I think this could also help me avoid a lot of entrepreneurial pitfalls, and help others by giving them practical and science based support. I developed a keen eye, for when things are not going as smoothly as possible, which I will use to extract ideas from potential clients in my entrepreneurial career.

One example from my life that shows the importance of persistence in the face of challenge, was a software application Tulipko, for observing the characteristics of Markov Chain Monte Carlo Simulations. Around 150 of my colleagues were asked to help with this, but only I accepted despite the application requiring: a) use of the programming language completely unfamiliar to me; b) to inspect a subject of physics also unfamiliar to me, and c) use of the branch of programming completely unfamiliar to me as well.
The initial task was to make a GUI application that would help physicists observe and experiment with the data. After completing the initial task, which just allowed them basic overview and plotting of the data, I went on to improve the software by following my knowledge and intuition about what the user experience should be like. I observed and talked to the users, and accordingly made further improvements. The rule I followed was that I wanted to make as optimal, user-friendly and easy for them to do their research. The software has grown beyond my expectations, and has turned into a really powerful tool, that is both reliable and easy to use, and that many physicists researching the same subject will be able to make use of.
All of this has given me an entirely new idea about what my career could be like. A career where I could get the opportunity to get into details of certain aspects of people’s jobs, learn about it, and on the way discover some of my passions and preferences in life. From this task, for example, I discovered my interest in Statistics.
Entrepreneurship is one of the few careers that will allow me to do this.

I hope my letter proves that I will be a great addition to your program, and I look forward to your acceptance. Thank you for your attention and consideration

Yours Sincerely,
Tara Petric