Help with Letter of Motivation

Question

Hello,Im from Peru and Im applying for a MSc Program in Germany, taught in English...I have done a draft of my Letter of Motivation, but I think I need some help.Thanks in advanced for any suggestions or comments you might have!Dear Admissions Committee,I would like to express my great interest in taking part on the Master in Economics and Management Science program next summer semester offered by your prestigious university. I feel this program combines perfectly the knowledge that every managerial position should have. That is, a solid understanding of economics, management theory, operations research and marketing that will allow them to guide businesses through these changing times by evaluating relevant information and designing flexible and concrete processes in order to sustain any company´s operation.I believe myself to be a strong candidate to the program. I have a bachelor’s degree in Industrial Engineering from the Universidad de Lima in Peru with a minor in Work Optimization. The emphasis of my study was to understand and become an expert in the techniques for process analysis and improvement, so I applied myself to learn the tools for understanding how processes work. During this time, I became fascinated with Operations Research and Statistical Process Control (SPC), convinced that every business decision should be approached scientifically and made with a sound mathematical basis.In this line of academic studies and personal interests, I later enrolled in Universidad ESAN for a specialization program in Process Management, finishing first of my class. This program helped me develop my ability for applying statistical concepts and techniques in order to transform dispersed data into adequate and helpful information for decision making. In addition, I was also able to interact and debate with classmates coming from different academic and professional backgrounds, learning from them and their experience.Complementing my solid academic background is my professional history. For the last 8 years since obtaining my bachelor’s degree, I’ve gained experience in management, marketing and sales, process improvement and operations research in World Class Companies such as CCNI and Nissan-Renault. In the latter, I had the privilege of becoming the 1st Latin-American and 16th in the world to obtain the Instructor in Industrial Engineer title for successfully deploying the XYZ (Xxxx Yyyyyy Zzzzz) program for Aftersales. This program applies Kaizen tools in order to increase profit by focusing on management control, service shop and parts warehouse productivity and marketing activities.As mentioned before, I wish to study at ABC´s program because it perfectly combines Management Science, for analyzing and improving processes within the business, with Economics, in order to evaluate situations and link the company with this ever changing world. Because of these changes (political, economical, and technological), business depend on their capacity for doing research and generating innovative knowledge. I believe your program embodies this spirit, providing its students the methods and tools necessary for a successful performance in a managerial position. Furthermore, with many distinguished alumni, professors and lecturers that the university has had and still does, I know that I will gain expert knowledge for carrying out effectively in the worlds of Economics and of Business.Given that I am a very curious and innovative person, my academic training and work experience, complemented by my international background will add more diversity to your program and enhance other student’s learning experience when participating in class discussions or doing classwork. Moreover, because of my commitment to excellence; I am confident that I will bring a high level of energy and enthusiasm to the classes.I am convinced this experience will strongly enrich my professional career and I will gain a lot of knowledge from living abroad and interacting with people from different academic and professional backgrounds. After graduating, I would like to continue my career in business and be able to manage a world class company and drive them to its primary goals, earning profits and satisfying its customers. I wish to embark in a challenging and meaningful professional adventure and I believe this program is the perfect starting point for it.Thank you for your attention and look forward to your positive response.Kind Regards,

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Hi John,

As you requested, I read your letter. Good news...you're a bright guy and deserve to be accepted. Bad news, your letter needs a lot of work. It has too much clutter.

Rather than ripping your letter apart now, I will give you my generic response. Read through the material. Pay close attention to some of the examples. And then, redraft your letter.

MH

Here are some posts you should review. These posts will give you some ideas on the structure of your letter.

Good example:

Johnpollo · Answer

Hi MountainHiker, thanks for the info and comments.

I have redrafted my letter and hopefully it is better than the first draft.

I am applying for the Master in Economics and Management Science program commencing next summer semester 2012.

I would like to begin by telling you a little bit about myself, I am a curious and innovative person with a desire to take on new challenges and I feel that enrolling in this particular Master program will do just that. My career objective is to hold a managerial position in a world class company and generate changes that will have a positive impact on business. In order to reach this goal, I think it is necessary I obtain an advanced understanding of economics and strengthen my knowledge of business management and marketing.

I have a bachelor’s degree in Industrial Engineering from the Universidad de Lima, in Peru, with a specialization in Work Optimization. During these studies, I learned different techniques for planning, designing and managing processes. As this is one of the most demanding schools in my country, I also developed basic skills for scientific research and analytical thinking.

While away at college, my family went through some financial difficulties, so I had to work from very early on in order to help pay for my living expenses. This situation made maintaining high grades difficult but, in the end, I gained an advantage from witnessing and applying first-hand what I was learning. For instance, during my first undergraduate year I got a job in a gas station where I suggested an innovative reward system aimed at encouraging employees to follow customer service protocol; a system which was later implemented nationwide.

(I have included this paragraph because my college grades are not so good, I don't know if it would benefit my application or not)

After graduating in 2002, I was able to find jobs more akin to my field of study. In these employments I gained experience in operations management, logistics, sales and marketing in companies such as Compañía Chilena de Navegación Interoceánica (CCNI) and Nissan-Renault. In the latter, I became the 1^st Latin-American to obtain the Instructor in Industrial Engineer title for successfully deploying the XYZ (Xxxx Yyyyyy Zzzzzz) program on the 24 service shops in the country. This program applies Kaizen tools in order to increase profit by focusing on management control, productivity enhancement of service shop and parts warehouse and marketing activities.

In 2007 I enrolled in Universidad ESAN for a specialization program in Process Management, finishing first of my class. This program helped strengthen my ability for applying statistical techniques in order to find adequate information to aid in the decision-making process. My final thesis project was applying Statistical Process Control (SPC) tools and Queuing Theory in order to improve customer service in a customs warehouse. As I was working in that warehouse at the time, we were able to implement the solutions which resulted in great time reductions for a series of client operations.

My professional work led me to become interested in understanding how different performance indicators correlate with each other and how a small change in one KPI might influence another. These cause and effect relationships are based on assumptions derived from Kaplan & Norton’s Strategic Map and have not been proved empirically yet. Furthermore, given that only limited research with non-practical applications in real businesses has been done on the subject, my goal is to construct a concrete model using my field work experience to translate performance management tools into a sound analytical mathematical model.

Besides my studies and professional career, I have done volunteering work helping low income families by building emergency homes in “Un techo para mi pais” (A roof for my country) program. Also, I am involved in organizing a yearly creativity contest sponsored by Nissan. This contest focuses in encouraging students to submit papers on process improvement in an existing company or designing creative new products or services.

(I have included this paragraph because the college's web page states that "lively community spirit" is a consideration factor)

There are several reasons why I wish to study at your University’s program. First, I believe the course structure fits perfectly with my interests because of its primary focus on quantitative methods. In addition, it contains the knowledge that every managerial position should have. That is, a solid understanding of economics, management theory and marketing. Also, CDE University is ranked among the best Universities in Social Studies in the world. Finally, since I am a theoretical physics enthusiast, the fact that Aaaaaa Bbbbbb was a professor in your university encouraged me to apply.

For all stated before, studying your program will not only be an opportunity to acquire specialized knowledge that will allow for a better rounded academic background; but it will also represent a chance for me to broaden my life experience, have access to new and more challenging job opportunities, and hence, be able to use what I have learned to make a positive impact in the business world.

Thank you for your attention and I look forward to your positive response.

Thanks in advanced for your comments and suggestions!

MountainHiker · Answer

I am applying for the Master in Economics and Management Science program commencing next summer semester 2012. (good)

I would like to begin by telling you a little bit about myself, I am a curious and innovative person with a desire to take on new challenges and I feel that enrolling in this particular Master program will do just that. (Horrible beginning. This is not a story.) My career objective is to hold a managerial position in a world class company( and generate changes that will have a positive impact on business--this is useless info). In order to reach this goal, I think it is necessary I obtain an advanced understanding of economics and strengthen my knowledge of business management and marketing.(last sentence is wasted. You can rewrite your first and second paragraphs as follows:)

>>I am applying for the Master in Economics and Management Science program commencing next summer semester 2012. My career objective is to hold a managerial position in a world class company. (I would improve upon that second sentence.)

I have a bachelor’s degree in Industrial Engineering from the Universidad de Lima, in Peru, with a specialization in Work Optimization. (Once you've said this first sentence, the rest doesn't matter. Any engineering program will teach you the basics. Please don't tell them all your courses. They don't care. What they care about is what fired your passion and imagination.) During these studies, I learned different techniques for planning, designing and managing processes. As this is one of the most demanding schools in my country, I also developed basic skills for scientific research and analytical thinking. (Aside from your opening sentences, these remaining sentences don't add value.)

While away at college, my family went through some financial difficulties, so I had to work from very early on in order to help pay for my living expenses. This situation made maintaining high grades difficult but, in the end, I gained an advantage from witnessing and applying first-hand what I was learning. For instance, during my first undergraduate year I got a job in a gas station where I suggested an innovative reward system aimed at encouraging employees to follow customer service protocol; a system which was later implemented nationwide. (Now this is interesting. This is what they care about. In spite of obstacles, you overcame. What did you learn about yourself. How did you apply yourself. This paragraph contains the gold. You need to rethink your letter and tell them why you performed below your expectation and how you've learned and grown.)

After graduating in 2002, I was able to find jobs more akin to my field of study. In these employments I gained experience in operations management, logistics, sales and marketing in companies such as Compañía Chilena de Navegación Interoceánica (CCNI) and Nissan-Renault. In the latter, I became the 1st (almost always write out numbers less than or equal to ten) Latin-American to obtain the Instructor in Industrial Engineer title for successfully deploying the XYZ (XX YY ZZ) program on the 24 service shops in the country. This program applies Kaizen tools in order to increase profit by focusing on management control, productivity enhancement of service shop and parts warehouse and marketing activities. (this paragraph doesn't mean much to me, and it probably won't to them either. But what you need to stress is your accomplishment and how you got there, and what you learned.)

In 2007 I enrolled in Universidad ESAN for a specialization program in Process Management, finishing first of my class. This program helped strengthen my ability for applying statistical techniques in order to find adequate information to aid in the decision-making process. My final thesis project was applying Statistical Process Control (SPC) tools and Queuing Theory in order to improve customer service in a customs warehouse. As I was working in that warehouse at the time, we were able to implement the solutions which resulted in great time reductions for a series of client operations. (this paragraph is relatively good. What you want to do with your letter is show:
- external difficulties made it impossible to reach my full potential earlier
- became successful despite earlier setbacks
- here's proof that I am capable and willing to work hard

My professional work led me to become interested in understanding how different performance indicators correlate with each other and how a small change in one KPI might influence another. These cause and effect relationships are based on assumptions derived from Kaplan & Norton’s Strategic Map and have not been proved empirically yet. Furthermore, given that only limited research with non-practical applications in real businesses has been done on the subject, my goal is to construct a concrete model using my field work experience to translate performance management tools into a sound analytical mathematical model. (You need to drop acronymns such as KPI and other stuff. Write in terms that any grade eight student would understand. Most of this paragraph is blather about some specific niche in some specific industry. I don't and they won't care. Speak to the larger issues.)

Besides my studies and professional career, I have volunteered (brevity is golden) helping low income families by building emergency homes in “Un techo para mi pais” (A roof for my country) program. Also, I am involved in organizing a yearly creativity contest sponsored by Nissan. This contest focuses in encouraging students to submit papers on process improvement in an existing company or designing creative new products or services.

(I have included this paragraph because the college's web page states that "lively community spirit" is a consideration factor)

There are several reasons why I wish to study at your University’s program. First, I believe the course structure fits perfectly with my interests because of its primary focus on quantitative methods. In addition, it contains the knowledge that every managerial position should have. That is, a solid understanding of economics, management theory and marketing. Also, CDE University is ranked among the best Universities in Social Studies in the world. Finally, since I am a theoretical physics enthusiast, the fact that Aaaaaa Bbbbbb was a professor in your university encouraged me to apply. (try to improve upon this paragraph. And don't start with "several reasons. Try to be more creative.)

For all stated before, studying your program will not only be an opportunity to acquire specialized knowledge that will allow for a better rounded academic background; but it will also represent a chance for me to broaden my life experience, have access to new and more challenging job opportunities, and hence, be able to use what I have learned to make a positive impact in the business world. (awkward paragraph. I don't think it adds any value.)

Thank you for your attention and I look forward to your positive response.

You need to do more work. You have some good material, but you need to rephrase and restructure your work.

Keep you messaage, short, concise, focused. Brevity is very much appreciated. Don't tell them the obvious.

Johnpollo · Answer

Ok, lets see if there's some improvement:

I am applying for the Master in Economics and Management Science program starting next summer semester 2012. My career objective is to become a consultant for world class companies in management and process improvement. Also, I want to find new and inventive techniques for measuring and evaluating business performance.

I have a bachelor’s degree in Industrial Engineering from the Universidad de Lima, in Peru, with a specialization in Work Optimization. While away at college, my family went through some financial difficulties, so I had to work from very early on in order to help pay for my living expenses. This situation made maintaining high grades difficult but, in the end, I gained an advantage from witnessing and applying first-hand what I was learning. For instance, during my first undergraduate year I got a job in a gas station where I suggested an innovative reward system aimed at encouraging employees to follow customer service protocol; a system which was later implemented nationwide.

In 2007 I enrolled in Universidad ESAN for a specialization program in Process Management, finishing first of my class. This program helped strengthen my ability for applying statistical techniques in order to find adequate information to aid in the decision-making process. My final thesis project was applying Statistical Process Control (SPC) tools and Queuing Theory in order to improve customer service in a customs warehouse. As I was working in that warehouse at the time, we were able to implement the solutions which resulted in great time reductions for a series of client operations.

For the last ten years, I have gained professional experience in operations management, logistics, sales and marketing. My work has always been related to implementing solutions for process improvement. For instance, when I worked in a container warehouse I implemented an RFID solution in order to keep track of the container’s position and save time locating them. Currently, I am working for Nissan Peru were I have developed a software package to aid in managing, controlling and improving our service shop´s operations. This software helped increase the service shop productivity and the customer promised delivery time accomplishment. After two years in Nissan I was promoted from Quality and Process Analyst to Service Commercial Manager in charge of supervising the 24 dealers nationwide.

My professional work led me to become interested in finding a tool for measuring business performance that relies on mathematical analysis and can cover all the company’s perspectives, not just financial results. Given that only limited research with non-practical applications in real businesses has been done on the subject, my research thesis will be to construct a concrete performance assessment model with a sound mathematical basis combining both the quantitative methods of your program with my almost 10 years of work experience.

Besides my studies and professional career, I have volunteered helping low income families by building emergency homes in “Un techo para mi pais” (A roof for my country) program. Also, I am involved in organizing a yearly creativity contest sponsored by Nissan. This contest focuses in encouraging students to submit papers on process improvement in an existing company or designing creative new products or services.

I believe the course structure of our program fits perfectly with my interests and career objectives because of its primary focus on quantitative methods and will help me get a solid understanding of economics, management theory and marketing. Speaking with current students, they tell me that your program is very good and utmost challenging. They agree that a really good aspect is that you can choose what you want to study and specialize in, which I consider to be a great benefit. Furthermore, XXXXXX XXXXXXX is ranked among the best Universities in Social Studies in the world and your program has great professors, such as XXXXXX XXXXXX, XXXXXX XXXXXX and XXXXXX XXXXXX, all of whom I have searched on the Internet and found their research work very interesting. On a more personal note, since I am a theoretical physics enthusiast, I am motivated to study where XXXXX XXXXXXX was a professor.

In conclusion, I believe myself to be a strong candidate for your program because of my interest in research, my great work experience and my international background.

Thank you for your attention and I look forward to your positive response.

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