Help please!

Question

Can I ask somebody to check them. Are theses good to go?

Short Summary
A family vacation turns into nightmare when they stumble upon a terrifying an accident and begin to experience unexplainable haunting events.

Long Summary
Lina takes her children, Lia and Ardi for a family vacation, but her husband, Harun has to stay behind to finish his work. While at the resort, Lina and her children join a group of visitors going to places of interests like national park and a water fall. On the way back, their bus involved in an accident. All passengers died, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survived. Due to the accident, Lina becomes traumatize and begins to experience haunting events.

Thank you.

Wilpeter · Accepted Answer

“A family vacation turns into a nightmare when they stumble upon a terrifying an accident and begin to experience unexplainable haunting events.”
“…places of interest, like a national park and a waterfall. On the way back, their bus is involved in an accident. All the other passengers died, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survived. Due to the accident, Line becomes traumatized and begins to experience haunting events.”
(The last word, ‘events’, might mean ‘experiences’.)

Anonymous · Answer

Thank you. I have a small doubt about the sentence underlined, do you think the structure is good? Or should I come with another option. When I read it, it’s sounds weird to me. Do you feel awkward read it?

Lina takes her children, Lia and Ardi for a family vacation, but her husband, Harun has to stay behind to finish his work. While at the resort, Lina and her children join a group of visitors going to places of interest, like a national park and a waterfall. On the way back, their bus is involved in an accident. All the other passengers died, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survived. Due to the accident, Lina becomes traumatized and begins to experience haunting events.
Lina takes her children, Lia and Ardi for a family vacation, but her husband, Harun has to stay behind to finish his work. While at the resort, Lina and her children join a group of visitors going to places of interest, like a national park and a waterfall. On the way back, their bus is involved in an accident. All the other passengers died, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survived. Due to the accident, Lina becomes traumatized and begins to experience haunting events.I have a small doubt about the sentence underlined, do you think the structure is good? Or should I come with another option. When I read it, it’s sounds weird to me. Do you feel awkward read it?

Wilpeter · Answer

No, the sentence itself is consistent with the rest of the story line.
One thing I didn’t notice before and should be changed is the tense of the accident part: “On the way back, their bus is involved in an accident. (present tense) All the other passengers die, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survive.” (retaining the present tense)

BarbaraPA · Answer

From a content point of view (not grammar) including such tiny details as where they go seems at odds with such a high-level summary.

While on a sight-seeing trip, the bus is in a terrible accident with Lina, Lia, and Ardi the only survivors.

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks to all. After some feedback, I have revised the write-up with two options. Can someone help me choose the best out of these two. Thanks.

1. Lina takes her children, Lia and Ardi for a family vacation, but her husband, Harun has to stay behind to finish his work. While on a sight-seeing trip, their bus is involved in an accident. All the other passengers die, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survive. Due to the accident, Lina becomes traumatized and begins to experience haunting events.

2. Lina takes her children, Lia and Ardi for a family vacation, but her husband, Harun has to stay behind to finish his work. While at the resort, Lina and her children join a group of visitors going to places of interest, like a national park and a waterfall. On the way back, their bus is involved in an accident. All the other passengers die, but Lina, Lia and Ardi survive. Due to the accident, Lina becomes traumatized and begins to experience haunting events.

Anonymous · Answer

Can someone help me to pick the best out of these two?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

AnonymousCan someone help me to pick the best out of these two?

There is not much difference between them. The style of the writing is the same.

"haunting events" is not what you want.
Maybe "hallucinations."

Help please!

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