Help me please: E-Message

Question

0Can someone please help me to amend this e-message and make it look more professional? The reason why I ask this favour is because I had to send my sister to the hospital and look after her last week. I’d really appreciate your help!02br02br02br02br00Housing loan A35210100 00ref:00 00111 11 11002br02br02br02br00Dear Mrs Simmons,02br02br02br02br00Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because you have not provided the necessary documents. You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please find someone who is willing to be your guarantor and get him/her to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.02br02br00Your loan will be approved within three working days once we received all the documents.02br02br02br02br00Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.02br02br02br02br00Kind regards02br02br02br02br00H M Lithman02br02br00Internet Banking Customer Support0-

Clive · Accepted Answer

0Hi,02br
02br
00This looks good the way you have written it. use more paragraphs to make your meaning easier to follow.02br
02br
00Best wishes, Clive02br
02br
01font00Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 11002font02br
02br
01font00Dear Mrs Simmons,02font02br
02br
01font00Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for 01b00a 02b00housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because you have not provided the necessary documents. 02font02br
02br
01font00You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please find someone who is willing to be your guarantor and get him/her to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.02font02br
02br
01font00Your loan will be approved within three working days once 01b00you have returned all these02b00 documents.02font02br
02br
01font00Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.02font02br
02br
01font00Kind regards02font02br
02br
01font02font02br
02br
01font00H M Lithman02font02br
02br
01font00Internet Banking Customer Support02font0-

HMLithman · Answer

0 01blockquote

01cite10Clive12cite10Hi,12br
12br
10This looks good the way you have written it. use more paragraphs to make your meaning easier to follow.12br
12br
10Best wishes, Clive12br
12br
11font10Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 11012font12br
12br
11font10Dear Mrs Simmons,12font12br
12br
11font10Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for 11b10a 12b10housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because you have not provided the necessary documents. 12font12br
12br
11font10You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please find someone who is willing to be your guarantor and get him/her to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.12font12br
12br
11font10Your loan will be approved within three working days once 11b10you have returned all these12b10 documents.12font12br
12br
11font10Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.12font12br
12br
11font10Kind regards12font12br
12br
11font12font12br
12br
11font10H M Lithman12font12br
12br
11font10Internet Banking Customer Support12font12br
12br
12blockquote

10Hi there,02br
02br
00Thank you for your reply. There is something I forgot to tell. The letter should be changed to make it look passive and not directly hitting on the customer and put them at fault. An example is:02br
02br
01font00you have not provided the necessary documents 02font00to 01font00the necessary documents have not been provided / were not provided02font00 (not mentioning the customer as it might not be their fault).02br
02br
00I hope you could help me. I had a really stressful week 05000 and need to submit this on Monday (today)010id6

Clive · Answer

0Hi,02br
02br
00You seem to understand passive, so just go ahead and change it. Then, if you post it here again, I'll have a look (when I come back from my swimming practice in about 3 hours). 02br
02br
00It's still Sunday morning here, so you have lots of time. 05002br
02br
00Clive010id2

HMLithman · Answer

1font00Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 11002font02br
02br
01font00Dear Mrs Simmons,02font02br
02br
01font00Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for 01b00a 02b00housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because the necessary documents have not been provided. 02font02br
02br
01font00You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require you to give us a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. We are returning your application form with this letter. Please get a guarantor to sign in the guarantor consent column of the application form.02font02br
02br
01font00Your loan will be approved within three working days once 01b00all these documents have been returned02b00.02font02br
02br
01font00Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.02font02br
02br
01font00Kind regards02font02br
02br
01font02font02br
02br
01font00H M Lithman02font02br
02br
01font00Internet Banking Customer Support02font02br
02br
00Not much different except that I ommited some words and amended some of the sentences. I hope you will help me to make it look better 050010id1

Clive · Answer

0Hi,02br
02br
00I've made a few more small changes. This seems fine to me.02br
02br
00Best wishes, Clive 02br
02br
01font00Housing loan A352101 ref: 111 11 11002font02br
02br
01font00Dear Mrs Simmons,02font02br
02br
01font00Thank you for your e-message received 20 December 2006. We have received your application for 01b00a 02b00housing loan of ₤20,000. However, we are unable to proceed with your application because the necessary documents have not been provided. 02font02br
02br
01font00You need to submit a photocopy of your salary statements of three consecutive months. We also require a copy of the offer letter from your new employer. Your application form is attached. Please get a guarantor to sign in the guarantor consent column. Your 02font01font00loan will be approved within three working days once 01b00all these documents have been returned02b00.02font02br
02br
01font00Please do not hesitate to contact us for further assistance.02font02br
02br
01font00Kind regards02font02br
02br
01font02font02br
02br
01font00H M Lithman02font02br
02br
01font00Internet Banking Customer Support02font0-

HMLithman · Answer

0Clive,02br
02br
00Thanks very much.02br
02br
00Mikey0-

Help me please: E-Message

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