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The Last Time I Cried



The last time that I cried was the time when my husband deployed. It was extremely difficult to deal with because he means so much to me and we have only been married for four and half months. Even though we knew his orders were coming soon, they arrived much sooner than we had expected, and neither of us was mentally or emotionally ready. Together our hearts broke. My husband is my soul mate. When we met, our souls clicked before our hearts did. I am so deeply in love with him. Since I met him, I have learned to come out of my shell and believe in myself. I feel so alive when we are together. No one else has ever affected me the way he does. We made the decision to go ahead and marry before he deployed, rather than wait for his return.



His deployment happened sooner than we had planned. His unit was still in California completing the training for this deployment while my husband was in Fort Bragg preparing flight arrangements for his unit. The next thing we knew his orders had changed, and he would be on the first Torch Flight out, two weeks ahead of the actual deployment date. Torch Flight is the first flight of soldiers from a unit scheduled for deployment. They deploy ahead of their unit to stag up the company’s equipment, in order to keep everything prepared when the unit arrives. Since we had anticipated his deployment to be two weeks later than it had orginaly happened, we thought we had a little more time together. I had been holding out hope that he would not have to go at all, and the message that it would be even earlier sent a message through us that became devastating. Having to say goodbye would be hard enough, but now having to do so in a rushed atmosphere. We already felt that we had not had enough time together yet.



On the morning that I had to take my husband to the location of his formation, reality started to set in with me. It felt as if the world as I knew it was ending. This man is my love and my life, and I was about to tell him goodbye. Not only that, I then have to turn and walk away knowing that it would be a long time before I could feel his loving arms around me again. I could only imagine how it must feel to him. Once there, I stayed with my husband as long as his military unit would allow me. I wanted to absorb every moment with my husband that I could. It was around 8:00 a.m. when we arrived for his formation and their flight was to leave around 5:30 that afternoon. The unit still had to obtain their weapons as well as their flight paperwork, buying us more time with one another.



When the time came for my husband to report to the launch pad, where I was not allowed to go. I started to realize just then that I was fighting a losing battle trying to hold back my tears. My body started shaking, my heart was aching, and even though I tried so hard to be strong for my husband, I lost what little control I had of my emotions and utterly broke down. We held one another so tightly that I could honestly feel his heart racing against my chest and his tears falling on my cheek. Words could not even come close to describing our feelings at that moment. As the tears were rolling down our cheeks, we promised each other that we would be strong and that we would write as often as possible to each other. We both have faith, love, devotion and trust in our marriage, and we know those things are what will pull us through this deployment.



The time came for him to turn and go one way, and for me to go the other. As I was driving away, I kept looking out the side mirror, trying to get one more glimpse of my husband. As tears were rolling off my face, I had a sense of something trapped in my throat and emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I got to the end of the road and had to pull over because I could no longer see due to so many tears. I was sobbing so hard that my chest was aching. I felt as if he abandoned me, and I felt left alone as if I may never see him again. I have never cried so hard and long in my life. Never before had I felt this unbelievable pain in my heart. It was as if I had lost my world, my love, my life, and my future. Again, I could only imagine how and what my husband was going through at this same moment. This was the last time that I seriously cried, which was the day my husband deployed.

Thanks, CMM