Help me correct my sonnet please

Question

Good Evening! I am trying to write a sonnet. I want to have the sonnet professionally framed, so please let me know what suggestions and corrections you have for my sonnet. Also, please review the punctuation of the poem. Thank you for all of your help!

In trance by mesmerizing sea blue eyes.
Your fragrance filled of blooming meadows stays
Etched in my mind, like memory that lies
Enveloped in our ardent love soirees.

Enthralling lover, prisoner I stand
To splendors bared that span your silhouette.
For none compare to beauty oh-so grand.
Alluring visage, movements are coquette.

The years between us dare to separate.
Our love so pure it shines a light divine.
Your heart I shelter that I consecrate
True love transcends the passing tides of time.

Ethereal Adonis come to me.
A kiss ignites our souls to set us free.

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

In trance by mesmerizing sea blue eyes,
Your fragrance filled with blooming meadows stays
Etched in my mind, like memory that lies
Enveloped in our ardent love soirees.

Enthralling lover, prisoner I stand
To splendors bared that span your silhouette. ... Meaning a little vague here.
For none compare to beauty oh-so grand. ....... oh-so is a bit slangy for a sonnet!
Alluring visage, movements are coquette. ........ Not a well-formed sentence.

The years between us dare to separate.
Our love so pure it shines a light divine.
Your heart I shelter that I consecrate ...................... Another oddly-formed
True love transcends the passing tides of time. ..... sentence.

Ethereal Adonis come to me. .......................The last couplet usually sums up the sonnet
A kiss ignites our souls to set us free. .......... with a clever bit of wisdom or general principle.
...................................................................... This is OK, but it doesn't quite do that.
______________

Excellent preservation of iambic pentameter throughout. You could even switch to trochaic rhythm in the first foot of a few lines for variety. Good rhyme scheme, though 'ette' is a pretty weak rhyme. The long vowels are usually better. Perhaps there are too many cases where a single sentence occupies a single line. A little more overflowing into the next line is more characteristic. You have a nice example of that in "stays etched". Much of the vocabulary is emotive and vague, and the sonnet doesn't build on itself. You could reverse the order of the first two quatrains, for example, and it would sound about the same. It needs something more definite, like a story, or implied story, or a sort of argument that you gradually develop through the poem. What I recommend is to keep working on poetry, but with another sonnet. I wouldn't fret over this one. It's fine as it stands. You have a good amount of talent, and you'll continue to do better each time you work out a new poem. It takes time to develop these skills. (I have none, if that is any consolation to you!)

Read the sonnets of Edna St. Vincent Millay, particularly those in Fatal Interview. I think those set the standard for sonnets in modern American English.

CJ

Javier Martin · Answer

I appreciate the time you took to review my sonnet CJ. Your constructive feedback is valuable and I will incorporate your suggestions. This is my second sonnet I have written, therefore I have much to learn. Thank you and have a great Thanksgiving!

Help me correct my sonnet please

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