Help me check my essay in IELTS Writing Task 2

Hi guys, I attach here an essay I have just done. I am eager to get any corrections or comments from anyone. Many thanks and a thousand kisses for any helpers.

Question: Some people believe that children should do organised activities in their free time while others believe that children should be free to do what they want to do in their free time. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My answer:

In today's modern society, there are different standpoints regarding leisure activities in free time at school. While some people are of the opinion that it is worthwhile for children to take part in planned activities in their spare time, others think that free time should be spent doing whatever a child wants. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree with the latter.

To start with, personal benefits could be taken into account. Specifically, those who have an opportunity to do what they want in their free time will be better placed to express their preference. This is because they are not manipulated by instructors or teachers, thereby triggering comfortable conditions in which they allocate more time to nurture and develop things relevant to their strengths. Moreover, having the freedom to pursue their interests will enable these adolescents to avoid some health problems such as stress, emotional disorders, and so on. This may be down to the fact that they are no longer affected by unpleasant side effects from the surrounding environment. For instance, a child would not suffer from pressure concerning achievements when participating in a racing competition involving many persons, provided that he or she engages in his or her own favorites.

In addition, if it were not for the national education system, getting the right to enjoy free time as students see fit would be beneath them. Particularly, instead of investing money in organized activities, schools can spend their budgets on other more or less necessary teaching facilities like infrastructure, technology, and so forth. Besides, it is essential that children are allowed to join in their own preferable activities in their leisure time due to its advantage with respect to the world tendency of specialization at educational establishments. In other words, the student-oriented approach is being focused, which is compatible with their financial resources and demands. As a result, this will be consistent with the diversities of global economic development.

In conclusion, owing to strong points relating to personal matters as well as schooling, freedom of choice should be guaranteed for young people to have a chance to immerse in activities corresponding to their desires.