HELP! IELTS TASK 2

Question

Hi! Could you please help me with checking my essay? Please let me know if my writing sounds unnatural or if there is anything I can improve. Thank you in advance

Write about the following topic:
Many young people believe that it is important to buy expensive, fashionable clothes for school or going out. Others believe that parents should take more control on how their children spend their money.
Discuss both views, give your opinion, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

People of different ages have different views about the way young people spend their money. While teenagers themselves believe they should invest in expensive, fashionable clothes, I agree with parents, who argue that children's money should be under their control. Discuss below are several points supporting both views.
Teenagers think they should spend money on luxury clothing for a few reasons. The first one is that since clothes are considered a status symbol, costly clothing can gain teens respect of their peers. For instance, a person who wears outfits from a famous brand is more likely to be admired by friends than the one with cheap clothes, who might only receive pitiful looks. Furthermore, by giving adolescents the right to buy what they want, they may develop a sense of responsibility, as they might be motivated to work for their buyings by having after-school jobs or start a business. As a result, they will gain a great deal of real experience, which contributes to their career success, and be less dependent of their parents.
However, I believe parents taking control of their children's money is more beneficial. Firstly, by doing so, parents are able to make sure they do not waste money on extravagant or harmful things. Generally speaking, parents, who understand the value of money, know what worths investing in, such as their children's future education. Therefore, it seems to me that letting them handle the money is a good choice. Secondly, if youngsters are allowed to manage their money by themselves, they tend to underestimate money and form the habit of spending extravagantly, as they receive most of their money as gifts or allowances and did not need to work for it. This can be extremely harmful to them later in life. A good example of this is a friend of mine who ends up addicted to shopping because her parents give her money anytime she asks for it without wondering what she uses it for.
In conclusion, while most teenagers believe that they should buy costly, stylish clothes, I agree with the idea that parents should take control on how their children spend their money.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Many young people believe that it is important to buy expensive, fashionable clothes for school or going out. Others believe that parents should take more control on how their children spend their money.
Discuss both views, give your opinion, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

People of different ages have different views about the way young people spend their money. While teenagers (The question was not about teenagers, but "young people." This can be any age from 3 to 30. Don't use random vocabulary words that have different shades of meaning. That weakens your essay. Define your terms if they are not clearly defined in the question. )

themselves believe they should invest in (Clothes lose value over time. In fact, this year's fashions may be passe next season. That is not an "investment." Young people have the attitude that expensive clothes and accessories will get them the admiration and envy of their peers, so that determines how they spend any money they have.. ) expensive, fashionable clothes, I agree with parents, who argue that their children's money should be under their control. Discuss below are several points supporting both views.

(That is not a proper statement for an academic essay. The instructions say "give your opinion." The reader know that the essay will give arguments to support that opinion.

eg.

To me, a "young person" is someone who is dependent on their parents or guardians for their daily living expenses. I agree that the parents or guardians should control the young person's money, although there are some arguments to the contrary.

or make it clear the idea that your proxy for "young people" is "teenagers."

People have different views about how young people should spend their money. The most obvious example is that of teenagers, who are still dependent on their parents for food and shelter, but have some discretionary spending money of their own. I agree that the parents or guardians should control their teenagers' spending, although there are some arguments to the contrary.

)

Teenagers think they should spend money on luxury clothing for a variety of / several ~~a few~~ reasons. The first one is that since clothes are considered a status symbol, costly clothing can gain teens the respect of their peers. For instance, a person who wears outfits from a famous brand is more likely to be admired by friends than the one with cheap clothes, who might only receive pitiful looks. Furthermore, by giving them ~~adolescents~~ the right to buy what they want, they may develop a sense of responsibility, (That seems to be the parents' attitude, not the teens'. Your topic is the teenager's reasons.) as they might be motivated to work for their buyings by having after-school jobs or start a business. As a result, they will gain a great deal of real experience, which contributes to their career success, and be less dependent of their parents.

However, I believe parents taking control of their children's money is more beneficial. ~~Firstly~~, First, by doing so, parents are able to make sure that their children ~~they~~ do not waste money on extravagant or ~~harmful~~ frivolous things. Generally speaking, parents, who understand the value of money, know what worths investing in, such as their children's future education. Therefore, it seems to me that letting the parents ~~them~~ handle the money is a good choice. ~~Secondly~~, Second, if youngsters ( a very informal term meaning children aged 7-12) are allowed to manage their money by themselves, they tend to ~~underestimate~~ undervalue money and form the habit of spending extravagantly, as they receive most of their money as gifts or allowances and do ~~did~~ not need to work for it. This can be extremely harmful to them later in life. A good example of this is a friend of mine who ends up addicted to shopping because her parents give her money anytime she asks for it without wondering what she uses it for.

In conclusion, while most teenagers believe that they should buy costly, stylish clothes, I agree with the idea that parents should take control on how their children spend their money.

Thesis statement:

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