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RinArin Posted 12 years ago
help :)
guys Iam new here so i will just post it here. idk where else to post so iam sorry if i posted on the wrong section. anyway i wrote a poem for my siblings who has always been there for me in every hardship of my life. its not like i will show it to them but i just want to keep it so that i will remember them everytime i read it. but Iam weak in grammar and so i need your kind help to correct my grammatical mistakes and if possible reconstruct my peom in more pleasant way. I know im asking for a big favour but i will be so grateful if someone kindly notice me and help me with it. thank you ^_^
"why on the same boat?"
O'h poor wounded captain of the ship
Deep in slumber intoxicated by the wine
passed out in his cabin while the cruel sea struggle to consume the whole
where art thy loyal crew? it seem they have abandoned their frail captain
but you must find your way out of your dream...
for your loyal servant and your pets awaits their master
sinking slowly along with their master
they softly call out to their master to deliver them from the cruel tide
he knows it should only be him and the bullet in his back
that should go down along with his ship
but his every effort turn to despair
poor feeble captain cried in his mind...
why they had to be on same boat as his? why they had to drown along with his fate?"
for he knows it was not out of fear that they stayed behind
but it was compassion and loyalty that fills their whimpering cry
helplessly groaning in his mind...
why a man can't meet his fate in peace?
why they had to inflict him at his last breath?
his last remaining tear drop rolled down his face
cursing himself why he had to be so helpless at the time they needed him the most
but someone heard his silent cry of despair, & pitied his agony
for the tempest has slowly died down
& he could smell the cool breeze of fresh flowers
he cares not now of what will happen to him & he smile in his mind
for he has experienced the greatest love just before his last breath.
what could make a man more happier?
"why on the same boat?"
O'h poor wounded captain of the ship
Deep in slumber intoxicated by the wine
passed out in his cabin while the cruel sea struggle to consume the whole
where art thy loyal crew? it seem they have abandoned their frail captain
but you must find your way out of your dream...
for your loyal servant and your pets awaits their master
sinking slowly along with their master
they softly call out to their master to deliver them from the cruel tide
he knows it should only be him and the bullet in his back
that should go down along with his ship
but his every effort turn to despair
poor feeble captain cried in his mind...
why they had to be on same boat as his? why they had to drown along with his fate?"
for he knows it was not out of fear that they stayed behind
but it was compassion and loyalty that fills their whimpering cry
helplessly groaning in his mind...
why a man can't meet his fate in peace?
why they had to inflict him at his last breath?
his last remaining tear drop rolled down his face
cursing himself why he had to be so helpless at the time they needed him the most
but someone heard his silent cry of despair, & pitied his agony
for the tempest has slowly died down
& he could smell the cool breeze of fresh flowers
he cares not now of what will happen to him & he smile in his mind
for he has experienced the greatest love just before his last breath.
what could make a man more happier?
Top answer
Hello, RinArin—and welcome to English Forums. I like your poem very much; I think you have talent. I will not correct all of the problems; in fact, judging from the quality of your writing in your explanation, I think you are writing very carelessly.
- Hello, RinArin—and welcome to English Forums.
- I like your poem very much; I think you have talent.
- I will not correct all of the problems; in fact, judging from the quality of your writing in your explanation, I think you are writing very carelessly.
- Since this is an English language forum, we want our contributors to try their best with spelling and punctuation and grammar.
- For example, the personal pronoun 'I' is always capitalized.
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4 Answers
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Hello, RinArin—and welcome to English Forums.
I like your poem very much; I think you have talent. I will not correct all of the problems; in fact, judging from the quality of your writing in your explanation, I think you are writing very carelessly. Since this is an English language forum, we want our contributors to try their best with spelling and punctuation and grammar. For example
I like your poem very much; I think you have talent. I will not correct all of the problems; in fact, judging from the quality of your writing in your explanation, I think you are writing very carelessly. Since this is an English language forum, we want our contributors to try their best with spelling and punctuation and grammar. For example
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thank you very much for your reply and for your encouragement Mister Micawber . I really appreciate it.
I admit i did write carelessly as it was my first time writing a poem and as I have said I'am weak in grammar so I do not know how to write in a proper manner even if i want to. I was also expecting that you guys might correct me by sentence how I should be writing instead. And i apologize f
I admit i did write carelessly as it was my first time writing a poem and as I have said I'am weak in grammar so I do not know how to write in a proper manner even if i want to. I was also expecting that you guys might correct me by sentence how I should be writing instead. And i apologize f
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RinArinI guess i have to replace 'art' with 'are' and 'thy' with 'your', am I right?Right.
RinArinWhat might be the more appropriate words to replace fresh flowers? I need suggestions please because I'am young and I have not learnt many beautiful words you use.Poetry is not a matter of beautiful words. It is the 'mot just
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I have rewrite it just as you suggested. Since English is a foreign language to me i had to google some of the words you use like 'mot juste' and I'am very glad that i have learn some new words. And I like your suggestion a lot. I can't thank you enough for your time but I will not forget it. Thank you Sir, have a good day.
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