Hello, MountainHiker, I have rewritten my motivation letter, thanks for your kind help, may you check it again?

Question

To be honest with you, time has been limited for me, you see, may you help me check it in detail this time? Thank you very much.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seeking admission from your faculty of law in LL.M. programme.

I am in my fourth year at Faculty of Law at Shanghai University of Finance & Economics, the top one university amongst colleges of finance & economics, where I will obtain a degree in LLB in June, 2005.

Due to the desire of continuing and promoting my comprehension of law and the interest of touching exotic custom, I am fascinated by the LLM abroad. At the same time, it is necessary for me to comprehend international circumstances by studying abroad, if I want to be advanced, since China has been active in international events. For another, as I am keen to return to Chinese transnational corporations, working as legal affairs consultant or giving investing suggestions, I firmly believe, after a period of learning law in foreign countries, it is certain for me to dispose of matters considering more all-around by comparing two countries’ legal system and behaving manners, when being confronted with issues under different background. Certainly, knowing European law or culture, if possible, I can also avoid a large number of deceits when dealing with corporative business in world market. Finally, I think I can take advantage of my strong eloquence, strict logic and delicate thought as well when having the programme.

It is heard from my friends studying in Netherlands that your university has rather refined courses taught by outstanding professors, nearly the highest quality of education in the kingdom but relatively inexpensively. Significantly, your degree is recognized worldwide. Moreover, your vibrant, innovative and dynamic campus attracts me to start my foreign life there. All of these mentioned above are considerably alluring for me.

Beyond all doubt, legal courses are challenging, however, I have every confidence in fulfilling the programme. First, I have solid internship experiences in law firms, with which I can discuss and solve cases systematically and methodically. Withal, I have a good English understanding and communicating capacity, to be frank with you, I have some friends from western countries such as Norway and England. To be suited for the programme, surely I will actualize the ambition with a great determination. As for matters happening under various backgrounds, I deem that being modest and friendly would be a shortcut to match myself with the local culture.

Probably, on the ground that I contribute the majority of my time to campus associations’ activities, for instance, meeting the freshmen, arranging speeches, asking for sponsorship, I have to sit in library reading books for the rest time, resulting in not so many A’s. Although I de facto receive many honors as vice president of Individual Financing Association and vice chairman of Law institution

Thank you very much for your time and considering my request.

Yours sincerely,

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

To be honest with you, time has been limited for me, you see, may you help me check it in detail this time? Thank you very much.

My time is very limited too. So I always hope and trust that the students have put forward a strong effort, their best effort, so that my burden is lessened. I further hope and trust that they have followed previous advice or provide a good reason why they have not.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seeking admission from [TO?] your faculty of law in LL.M. [as before, DO NOT use abbreviations here] programme.

I am in my fourth year at Faculty of Law at Shanghai University of Finance & Economics, [one of] the top one university[ies] amongst colleges of finance & [and…don’t use shorthand nor abbreviations]and economics, where I will obtain a degree in LLB [same comment] in June, 2005.

Due to the [Because of my] desire of wanting to increase my understanding and knowledge of law and the [interest of touching exotic custom…what’s this all about??], I want to pursue a LLM degree at your university.

I am stopping here. There is no point. Your letter is in need of more than simple adjustments here and there. It needs to be rewritten.

At the same time, it is necessary for me to comprehend international circumstances by studying abroad, if I want to be advanced, since China has been active in international events. For another, as I am keen to return to Chinese transnational corporations, working as legal affairs consultant or giving investing suggestions, I firmly believe, after a period of learning law in foreign countries, it is certain for me to dispose of matters considering more all-around by comparing two countries’ legal system and behaving manners, when being confronted with issues under different background. Certainly, knowing European law or culture, if possible, I can also avoid a large number of deceits when dealing with corporative business in world market. Finally, I think I can take advantage of my strong eloquence, strict logic and delicate thought as well when having the programme.

It is heard from my friends studying in Netherlands that your university has rather refined courses taught by outstanding professors, nearly the highest quality of education in the kingdom but relatively inexpensively. Significantly, your degree is recognized worldwide. Moreover, your vibrant, innovative and dynamic campus attracts me to start my foreign life there. All of these mentioned above are considerably alluring for me.

Beyond all doubt, legal courses are challenging, however, I have every confidence in fulfilling the programme. First, I have solid internship experiences in law firms, with which I can discuss and solve cases systematically and methodically. Withal, I have a good English understanding and communicating capacity, to be frank with you, I have some friends from western countries such as Norway and England. To be suited for the programme, surely I will actualize the ambition with a great determination. As for matters happening under various backgrounds, I deem that being modest and friendly would be a shortcut to match myself with the local culture.

Probably, on the ground that I contribute the majority of my time to campus associations’ activities, for instance, meeting the freshmen, arranging speeches, asking for sponsorship, I have to sit in library reading books for the rest time, resulting in not so many A’s. Although I de facto receive many honors as vice president of Individual Financing Association and vice chairman of Law institution

Thank you very much for your time and considering my request.

Yours sincerely,

Here’s what I don’t like about your letter:

1) It has a degree of arrogance to it. You graduated from the TOP University? The quality of an education is usually subjective. If you want to say you graduated from one of the top, that is better. But when you say the top, that has the sound of superiority to it.
2) Your writing is overly “artistic”, if you want to call it that. You certainly have the ability to write English. But I am puzzled why you are overreaching by using such phrases as, “interest of touching exotic custom”. Nobody understands what that means. Moreover, trying to use complicated words and phrases only diminishes your efforts. Rather than trying to be sophisticated and missing the mark, why not use straightforward English?
3) Your letter sounds very patronizing.

It is heard from my friends studying in Netherlands that your university has rather refined courses taught by outstanding professors, nearly the highest quality of education in the kingdom but relatively inexpensively. Significantly, your degree is recognized worldwide. Moreover, your vibrant, innovative and dynamic campus attracts me to start my foreign life there. All of these mentioned above are considerably alluring for me.

That sounds awful. There is no other way to describe it. Rather than putting forward some honest arguments or comments, you are simply giving very patronizing statements. It weakens your argument considerably.

4) Cut the “…to be frank with you…” stuff. Just write in solid business language.
5) You have not told me very much about you. And that is the whole purpose of this letter.

I am going to be blunt here Frankie. You need to kick it up a few notches. Your writing to date is not good. But I think you have the knowledge and skills to write well. So I am puzzled why you are not writing well. You are at one of China’s most prestigious universities, so you are probably up in the top decile in terms of intelligence. Moreover, your first comment about your lacking time angered me. If you think you can put in a half effort and expect me to fix your errors, then you are sorely mistaken. If you want my help or help from other moderators, then you have an obligation to put forward your best efforts.

So where do we go from here? You need to give this letter some serious thought and effort. Have a look at JayT’s letter for some guidance. Also, look at Nadine’s letter for additional guidance. Another letter is Soufiane’s letter. Look at the tone and look at the language. You need to rewrite your letter from the very start.

I should also inform you that your letters will remain visible on English Forums as outlined in the top post under point 8. So if you have any qualms about having your information public, now is the time to make your decision if you want our assistance.

MountainHiker

Frankie · Answer

Thanks very much, Mountainhiker, I beg your pardon for the word relating to limited time, though it is the case. I modified my motivation letter with my friends’ help including yours, I will always be remembering your kind help. Thanks, yours sincerely, Frankie

Hello, MountainHiker, I have rewritten my motivation letter, thanks for your kind help, may you check it again?

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