Hello, it's me again, please review my essay, thank u so much

Question

Topic : should we beat children ?I find it difficult to give a most perfect answer for the question. In this case, beat children is a right way at the proper time but, if we abuse kind of violent education it will made a contrast impact and negative result will be inevitable.As we know, children have a fresh perception so they will accumulate by the time. In the first periods, they can not be aware of good or bad things thus, the role of family is really important to children’s growing process. At this point, we help children to think and action properly but sometimes, they are stubborn even we try to behave softly and there is no way exception the beating method which drives them back in the right way. Beating will get children hurt but it’s necessary to warn them. One time, two times or maybe next time they will understand how the wrong actions are and they will not repeat its again. Many wrong times incorporated many right times in repetition will create proper awareness for children, that’s exactly education. Beating children so many times is bad because of negative effect on children’s mentality. They will be obsessed by violent action and as a consequence of obsession, children will be self-closed moreover, they could lost themselves. On the other hand, Children obsessed by violent action tend to violence more than the other. That is not the way we educate children. We beat children for good for them, not make violent action into children’s habit.In conclusion, sufficient beating is not bad but abusing beating is bad. It’s the tough question but now we can get an appropriate answer for that.

Clive · Accepted Answer

Here are a few comments about structuring an essay.

A good essay is well-proportioned. Yours is not.

You have a tiny introductory paragraph and a tiny conclusion. You need to enlarge these paragraphs. In your introduction, get the reader's attention by saying how important the topic is. Write a thesis sentence. Briefly introduce the main points you are going to address. In your conclusion, briefly restate your thesis and the main points you have made to support it. End with a thoughtful final comment on the topic.

In the middle of your essay is a comparatively huge body paragraph. This suggests to the reader that you just have one main point you wish to make about the topic of your essay. You need to find some logical way to divide the body into two or more paragraphs. make sure that each of the two starts with a topic sentence that explains what you will discuss in the paragraph. I don't see a clear topic sentence at the start of your current huge body paragraph.

Here's a final comment. Review your conclusion to make sure you have clearly addressed the topic you were given, and that you have answered any questions that were asked as part of the topic.

Clive

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Clive has good advice about the overall structure. I will mark the particular grammatical problems.

I find it difficult to give a most perfect answer for the question. In this case, beat children is a right way at the proper time but, if we abuse kind of violent education it will made a contrast impact and a negative result will be inevitable.

As we know, children have a fresh perception so they will accumulate by the time. In the first periods, they can not be aware of good or bad things thus, the role of family is really important to the children’s growing process. At this point, we help children to think and action properly but sometimes, they are stubborn even we try to behave softly and there is no way exception the beating method which drives them back in the right way. Beating will get children hurt but it’s necessary to warn them. One time, two times or maybe next time they will understand how the wrong actions are and they will not repeat its again. Many wrong times incorporated many right times in repetition will create proper awareness for children, that’s exactly education. Beating children so many times is bad because of its negative effect on children’s mentality. They will be obsessed by violent action and as a consequence of obsession, children will be self-closed moreover, they could lost themselves. On the other hand, Children obsessed by violent action tend to violence more than the other. That is not the way we educate children. We beat children for good for them, not make violent action into children’s habit.

In conclusion, sufficient beating is not bad but abusing beating is bad. It’s the tough question but now we can get an appropriate answer for that.

Hello, it's me again, please review my essay, thank u so much

Topic : should we beat children ?

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