Hello, Im writing a motivation letter to London university and I am a little struggling with it, so I would appreciate if somebody could hepl me with that...help me check what i just wrote and maybe do some corrections...thanks much in advance

Question

Dear Sir or Madam,I am writing to apply for a combined degree of Media Art and Fashion Marketing starting in September 2011.I have always been interested in a field of media ever since I published my first article in the magazine at the age of thirteen. However, it was not only a journalism I was passionate about. I joined French theatre in school and we won a national competition held in Košice and that way were able to take part in a festival of theatre in Brno. Thanks to skills I gained during these two enriching years and due to my great results at school I was chosen to have a final speech on our graduation party and on the formal farewell with our High School which I hope will be a good experience for a work in Media arts. Because of my adventurous personality I decided to spend my junior year in USA to improve my knowledge of English and to not only learn about this culture but also be a part of it. Because of my easy-going personality and social behaviour I was able to intergate in new environment and be a member of Tennis team, Internation club, Key club as well as Drama club.It was this year spent abroad that opened my eyes and showed me the beauty of other countries and of the English language and led to my decision to study in England.I was always keen on volunteer community service either helping people in need or in fundraising money for good purposes. In Slovakia I helped to raise money for people with cancer, battered animals or aminals in shelters. In 2010 I took part as a volunteer in a one-day artistic festival popular in Europe called La Nuit Blanche. In the USA I helped with many charity events organized by church I had visited such as taking part in a play to raise money for church´s camp, serving food for people in need or singing Christmas carols for elderly people.School has always played a major role in my life. I have always been an eager student for new informations. My personal motto for these years of studying was Sokrates´s well known quote ´´I know that I know nothing´´ which have encouraged me into studying and extended my limits of knowledge. I finished every year of High School with A´s and I was always honored for a great school results. To build up a solid foundation, I took a praparation course for Media Communication to widen my knowledge in this area. I have always been amazed by work in Media and when I found that your university offers a working placement I knew that was the right choice for me. Although, I would love to work in Media community I have always been attracted to  fashion indurstry as well. Whereas your university provides a combined degree of both I would love to be a part of it.I am confident that your outstanding university offers excellent courses which can give me sufficient theoretical and practical knowledge and experience to enlarge my skills and achieve all my goals in the area of Fashion and Media. My dream is to be a part of a well known fashion house and to work in a various Media fields and I know that with your proffesional guidance and my hard-working and docile personality I can turn my dreams into reality.Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.Sincerely yours,xxxxxx

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi motivletter, welcome to the forums!

Here are some suggestions for you. The letter is good, but needs more organization. Each paragraph should have one topic, and be placed in a logical order. Making an outline will help you! The spelling errors are highlighted in yellow.

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I am writing to apply for the combined degree programme of Media Art and Fashion Marketing starting in September 2011.

I have always been interested in a field of media ever since I published my first article in a magazine (You might give the name of the magazine or its affiliation. ) at the age of thirteen. However, it was not only a journalism I was passionate about. I joined the French theatre in school and we won a national competition held in Košice which gave us the opportunity and that way were able to take part in a theatre festival of theatre in Brno. Thanks to skills I gained during these two enriching years and due to my great results at school I was chosen to give the closing have a final speech at on our graduation party (sometimes this speech is called the "commencement address") and on the formal farewell (I don't understand what you are saying - are there two occasions that you will give the same speech? The high school graduation ceremony is called "commencement.") with our high school which I hope will be a good experience for a work in Media arts. Because of my adventurous personality I decided to spend my junior year in the USA to improve my knowledge of English and to not only learn about this culture but also be a part of it. Because of my easy-going personality and social behaviour (This is repeated from the previous sentence) I was able to intergate into new environment and be a member of Tennis team, Internation Club, Key Club as well as the Drama Club.

It was this year spent abroad that opened my eyes and showed me the beauty of other countries and of the English language and led to my decision to study in England. I was always keen on volunteer community service either helping people in need or in fundraising money for good purposes. In Slovakia I helped to raise money for people with cancer, battered (abused) animals or aminals in shelters. In 2010 I took part as a volunteer in a one-day artistic festival popular in Europe called La Nuit Blanche. In the USA I helped with many charity events organized by church I had visited such as taking part in a play to raise money for the church´s camp, serving food for people in need or singing Christmas carols for elderly people.

School has always played a major role in my life. I have always been a an eager student who was eager for new informations. (Information is never plural. It is a mass - noncount - oun.) My personal motto for these years of studying was Sokrates´s well-known quote ´´I know that I know nothing´´ which have encouraged me into studying and extending my limits of knowledge. I finished every year of High School with A´s and I was always honored for a great school results. To build up a solid foundation, I took a praparation course for Media Communication to widen my knowledge in this area. I have always been amazed by work in Media and when I found that your university offers a working placement, I knew that was the right choice for me. Although, I would love to work in the media, community I have always been attracted to fashion indurstry as well. Whereas Since your university provides a combined degree of both I would love to be a part of it.

I am confident that your outstanding university offers excellent courses which can give me sufficient theoretical and practical knowledge and experience to enlarge my skills and achieve all my goals in the area of fashion and media. My dream is to be a part of a well-known fashion house and to work in a various media fields and I know that with your proffesional guidance and with my hard-working and docile (?) personality, I can turn my dreams into reality.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.
Sincerely yours,

Motivletter · Answer

Hey, thank you very much for ur help

...so I did some corrections and I decided to leave out the passage about two speeches because it´s pretty confusing, the thing is in our schools we have one speech held in school and the other on out graduation party out of school only for parents and teachers, there is a differene between them but it difficult to explain so I thought the best way is just to write a commencement address...and also instead of writing the name of the magazine which is in Slovak I just put a local magazine so I hope that´s alright....so here´s the second draft...

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the combined degree programe of Media Arts and Fashion Marketing starting in September 2011.

I have always been interested in a field of media ever since I published my first article in a local magazine at the age of thirteen. However, it was not only journalism I was passionate about. I joined the French theatre in school and we won a national competition held in Košice which gave us the opportunity to take part in a theatre festival in Brno. Thanks to skills I gained during these two enriching years and due to my great results at school I was chosen to give the commencement address at our graduation party which I hope will be a good experience for work in Media arts. Because of my adventurous personality I spent my junior year in the USA to improve my knowledge of English and to not only learn about their culture but also be a part of it..I was able to integrate into new environment and be a member of Tennis team, Internation Club, Key Club as well as the Drama Club.

It was this year spent abroad that opened my eyes and showed me the beauty of other countries and of the English language and led to my decision to study in England.I was always keen on volunteer community service either helping people in need or in fundraising money for good purposes. In Slovakia I helped to raise money for people with cancer, abused animals or animal shelters. In 2010 I took part as a volunteer in an annual all-night arts festival popular in Europe called La Nuit Blanche (White Night). In the USA I helped with many charity events organized by church I had visited such as taking part in a play to raise money for the church´s camp, serving food for people in need or singing Christmas carols for elderly people.

School has always played a major role in my life. I have always been a student who was eager for new information. My personal motto for these years of studying was Socrates´s well known quote ´´I know that I know nothing´´ which has encouraged me into studying and extending my limits of knowledge. I finished every year of high school with A´s and I was always honored for great school results. To build up a solid foundation, I took a praparation course for Media Communication to widen my knowledge in this area. I have always been amazed by work in Media and when I found that your university offers also a working placement year I knew that was the right choice for me. Although I would love to work in the media,I have always been attracted to fashion industry as well. Since your university provides a combined degree I would love to be a part of it.

I am confident that your outstanding university offers excellent courses which can give me sufficient theoretical and practical knowledge and experience to enlarge my skills and achieve all my goals in the area of fashion and media. My dream is to be a part of a well known fashion house and to work in a various media fields and I know that with your professional guidance and with my hard-working and diligent personality, I can turn my dreams into reality.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

xxxxxx

Motivletter · Answer

And also I was wondering if this organization of paragraphes isn´t better and easier to read through?

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the combined degree programe of Media Arts and Fashion Marketing starting in September 2011.

I have always been interested in a field of media ever since I published my first article in a local magazine at the age of thirteen. However, it was not only journalism I was passionate about. I joined the French theatre in school and we won a national competition held in Košice which gave us the opportunity to take part in a theatre festival in Brno. Thanks to skills I gained during these two enriching years and due to my great results at school I was chosen to give the commencement address at our graduation party which I hope will be a good experience for work in Media arts.

Because of my adventurous personality I spent my junior year in the USA to improve my knowledge of English and to not only learn about their culture but also be a part of it..I was able to integrate into new environment and be a member of Tennis team, Internation Club, Key Club as well as the Drama Club.It was this year spent abroad that opened my eyes and showed me the beauty of other countries and of the English language and led to my decision to study in England.

I was always keen on volunteer community service either helping people in need or in fundraising money for good purposes. In Slovakia I helped to raise money for people with cancer, abused animals or animal shelters. In 2010 I took part as a volunteer in an annual all-night arts festival popular in Europe called La Nuit Blanche (White Night). In the USA I helped with many charity events organized by church I had visited such as taking part in a play to raise money for the church´s camp, serving food for people in need or singing Christmas carols for elderly people.

School has always played a major role in my life. I have always been a student who was eager for new information. My personal motto for these years of studying was Socrates´s well known quote ´´I know that I know nothing´´ which has encouraged me into studying and extending my limits of knowledge. I finished every year of high school with A´s and I was always honored for great school results. To build up a solid foundation, I took a praparation course for Media Communication to widen my knowledge in this area. I have always been amazed by work in Media and when I found that your university offers also a working placement year I knew that was the right choice for me. Although I would love to work in the media,I have always been attracted to fashion industry as well. Since your university provides a combined degree I would love to be a part of it.

I am confident that your outstanding university offers excellent courses which can give me sufficient theoretical and practical knowledge and experience to enlarge my skills and achieve all my goals in the area of fashion and media. My dream is to be a part of a well known fashion house and to work in a various media fields and I know that with your professional guidance and with my hard-working and diligent personality, I can turn my dreams into reality.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours,

xxxxxx

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Hi motivletter;

I was wondering if this organization of paragraphes isn´t better and easier to read through?

Yes, it is much improved. I made some minor suggestions, mostly punctuation.

---

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to apply for the combined degree programe (The US spelling is program; the British English spelling is programme. You have used British English spelling elsewhere.) of Media Arts and Fashion Marketing starting in September 2011.

I have always been interested in a field of media ever since I published my first article in a local magazine at the age of thirteen. However, it was not only journalism I was passionate about. I joined the French theatre in school and we won a national competition held in Košice which gave us the opportunity to take part in a theatre festival in Brno. Thanks to skills I gained during these two enriching years and due to my great results at school, I was chosen to give the commencement address at our graduation party which I hope will be a good experience for work in media arts.

Because of my adventurous personality I spent my junior year in the USA to improve my knowledge of English and to not only learn about their culture but also be a part of it. I was able to integrate into new environment and be a member of the tennis team, International Club, Key Club as well as the Drama Club. It was this year spent abroad that opened my eyes and showed me the beauty of other countries and of the English language and led to my decision to study in England.

I was always keen on volunteer community service either helping people in need or in fundraising money for good purposes. In Slovakia I helped to raise money for people with cancer, abused animals or animal shelters. In 2010 I took part as a volunteer in an annual all-night arts festival popular in Europe called La Nuit Blanche (White Night). In the USA I helped with many charity events organized by church I had visited, such as taking part in a play to raise money for the church´s camp, serving food for people in need or singing Christmas carols for elderly people.

School has always played a major role in my life. I have always been a student who was eager for new information. My personal motto for these years of studying was Socrates´s well known quote ´´I know that I know nothing´´ which has encouraged me into studying and extending my limits of knowledge. I finished every year of high school with A´s and I was always honored for great school results. To build up a solid foundation, I took a praparation course for Media Communication to widen my knowledge in this area. I have always been amazed by work in media and when I found that your university offers also a working placement year, I knew that was the right choice for me. Although I would love to work in the media, I have always been attracted to the fashion industry as well. Since your university provides a combined degree I would love to be a part of it.

I am confident that your outstanding university offers excellent courses which can give me sufficient theoretical and practical knowledge and experience to enlarge my skills and achieve all my goals in the area of fashion and media. My dream is to be a part of a well-known fashion house and to work in a various media fields and I know that with your professional guidance and with my hard-working and diligent personality, I can turn my dreams into reality.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.
Sincerely yours,
xx

Hello, Im writing a motivation letter to London university and I am a little struggling with it, so I would appreciate if somebody could hepl me with that...help me check what i just wrote and maybe do some corrections...thanks much in advance

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