Hello , Correct my poem

Question

Everything leads me to leaveNothing keeps me as I amI began to hate my emotions, my writings, and some of meI need to disobedience and stay awayPick up the rest of me and I may go backAnd probably will not go back.

Samsan · Accepted Answer

hi, this is good attempt but I suggest to work more on this ..it could be a nice poem then..

but very good effort..

Mohamed Yehia · Answer

Thanks , Samsan

Samsan · Answer

you are most welcome..<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' alt='Emotion: smile'/>

DMW · Answer

Assalamu alaykum Sarah,
The only actual English errors I can see are—

"I need to disobedience", which should be "I need to disobey";
"some of me", which should probably be "some of myself", but is kind of within the tolerance of poetic licence.

Sarah, it's another lovely poem, which I enjoyed reading. There are a couple of bits in it that don't quite ring true for me. I don't mean to seem like I'm criticising; just some thoughts.

"I began to ..." - The rest of the poem is in the present tense, then suddenly this is in the past. It seems to me like it doesn't fit. Can you delete "began to" and just say "I hate my emotions ..." - maybe it's just me, but I like it better this way.
Somehow the last line is less beautiful than the rest of the poem. I don't know whether it's because of the repetition of "go back", or whether it's the "and probably", which is kind of awkward. This line seems longer than the sentiment that it expresses. The last line could be something like "but probably never", or even "but I likely never will". Both of these seem snappier and more to-the-point.

I hope this is helpful to you, and that it doesn't sound too harsh. The truth is, I really enjoy your poetry.

Warmest regards,
David.

Anonymous · Answer

do's some one can helpe me?

Marian27T · Answer

Can someone help me?

Marian27T · Answer

Correction for Anonymous.

Anonymous · Answer

I saw a dream,

when sun arise and the sky is blue

Anonymous · Answer

When I'm glazing to the sky It stares to meIt is like a movie
Clouds are moving, Birds are singingTrees are providing Oxygen All the things we get areGreatest and Perfect ones
Although we forget the beauty of natureStill shining, Still charming Oh, how lovely nature!

Hello , Correct my poem

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