He replaced the receiver and put on his coat hurriedly.

Question

HiCould you please see if the following lines read naturally? Any suggestion is welcome. I am not at all sure about the yellow parts.“OK. Keep him on the farm – driven like other animals.” Azeem said with a special emphasis on the latter part.He replaced the receiver and put on his coat hurriedly. Shooting a quick look at the gilt-frame mirror behind his deck, he stepped towards the door when she walked in and stood face to face with him. A smile hovered on his lips. He had waited a long time for this moment. Their eyes born into each other, they looked at lifeless as the Cleopatra statue in Azeem’s office.She's not changed at all in seventeen long years. Still so radiant, so beautiful, Azeem thought.“Where’s Karan?” Sara said with no attempt to soften her tone.“Won’t you even sit down?” was his soft ‘reply’.“Answer me, Azeem. What have you done with Karan?” Her voice was sharper.Thanks,Tom

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

The only part that seems unnatural to me is 'their eyes born into each other', which might be 'their eyes boring into each other', or, much better I think, 'their eyes riveted on each other'.

Where did you get this text, by the way? I'm curious.

CJ

I think you meant as lifeless as.

Mr. Tom · Answer

Many thanks, CJ!

I have written it myself. Is the register OK?

Tom

Mr. Tom · Answer

Any suggestions are welcome.

“Karan is just an ordinary employee in my factory. But they told me he’s not been coming to work.” The disgust at being forced to discuss Karan was overwhelming in his voice.

“Hmm,” she paused for a moment as if looking for right words. “He’s in your captivity somewhere, isn’t he?

Shrugging his shoulders, Azeem pretended to look surprised. “He’s my hostage? You mean to say that…”

“Don’t play with words, Azeem. I know you very well.” She almost shouted.

Thanks,

Tom

CalifJim · Answer

Mr. TomI have written it myself. Is the register OK?

Yes. It's all very good. [Y]

CJ

CalifJim · Answer

Mr. TomAny suggestions are welcome.

in your captivity doesn't ring exactly true to my ear.

How about You have him in captivity somewhere, don't you?

CJ

Mister Micawber · Answer

Personally, I'd whittle at the passage something like this...

"OK – keep him down on the farm with the other animals," Azeem said pointedly.

He slammed down the receiver. Then he threw on his coat, glanced in the gilt mirror behind his desk, and was going for the door – when she walked in and faced him. A smile played across his lips. He had waited a long time for this moment. Their eyes riveted on each other, they stood as lifeless as bookends.

Seventeen years and she's not changed a bit. Still a knock-out, Azeem thought.

"Where’s Karan?" Sara demanded.

"Won’t you even sit down?" he replied softly.

"Answer me, Azeem. What have you done with him?" Her voice was sharper.

"Nothing. He's just an employee in my factory. But he’s not been coming to work." His irritation at being forced into this discussion was evident.

She paused as if looking for the right words. "You're holding him somewhere, aren't you?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Azeem feigned surprise. " A hostage? You think that –"

"Don’t play with me, Azeem. I know you too well," she burst out.

... but then I suppose it would be my story instead of yours.

Mr. Tom · Answer

Thanks, CJ! I am honored by your words.

@MM

A lot of thanks for the effort you put in on my behalf and I think I understand every bit of it. The main message I get from your way of narrating is that I (still) need to learn to delete a LOT of extra words that my stories are generally bombarded with?. Right, MM?

Thanks again,

Tom

Mister Micawber · Answer

Mr. TomThe main message I get from your way of narrating is that I (still) need to learn to delete a LOT of extra words that my stories are generally bombarded with?. Right, MM?

Part of the 'deletion' process is, I think, learning shorter idiomatic or colloquial phrases of the appropriate register that say the same thing, Tom.

Mr. Tom · Answer

Mister Micawber Part of the 'deletion' process is, I think, learning shorter idiomatic or colloquial phrases of the appropriate register that say the same thing, Tom.

Thanks!

I have tried to be as brief and direct in the continuation of the story as possible. PLEASE highlight any mistake/ unnatural phrase that I should know.

Tom

“Too well? You’ve not forgotten me at all?” he smirked unpleasantly.

“I’d rather talk about Karan only – Is he in chains? The way you’ve always liked to see anyone you don’t like.”

“Chains?” Azeem repeated disgustedly. “Then what about the poor father whose daughter you’ve had in captivity for the last seventeen years?” [Or: What about the poor father whose daughter you kidnapped seventeen years ago? A kidnapping that followed no negotiations.”]

Sara stepped so close that he could feel the warmth of her words on his face. “So we’re talking business again, aren’t we?

“Oh, Yes my dear,” Azeem chuckled, “I’m a businessman -- and very skilled at driving sharp bargains. But I’m always considerate towards friends … especially from the past.”

Sara could see a strange brightness in the eyes that once were full of love for her. She said definitely, “What do you want in return for Karan’s release?”

“Something very little. I want Manny to know who her real father is. That’s all.”

Mister Micawber · Answer

OK – see if you can find a style problem in the underlined:

“Too well? You’ve not forgotten me at all?” he smirked unpleasantly.

“I’d rather talk about Karan only– Is he in chains? The way you’ve always liked to see anyone you don’t like.”

“Chains?” Azeem repeated disgustedly. “Then what about the poor father whose daughter you’ve had in captivity for the last seventeen years?” [Or: What about the poor father whose daughter you kidnapped seventeen years ago? A kidnapping that followed no negotiations.”] - The idea is too belaboured.

Sara stepped so close that he could feel the warmth of her words on his face. “So we’re talking business again, aren’t we?

“Oh, Yes my dear,” Azeem chuckled, “I’m a businessman -- and very skilled at driving sharp bargains. But I’m always considerate towards friends … especially from the past.”

Sara could see a strange brightness in the eyes that once were full of love for her. She said definitely,“What do you want in return for Karan’s release?”

“Something very little. I want Manny to know who her real father is. That’s all.”

He replaced the receiver and put on his coat hurriedly.

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