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Cryptogram Posted 19 years ago
Grammar

Hard critics please.

I'm trying to sound natural, infomal, casual, approachable and friendly.

Please help me by pointing out anything that sounds stiff or doesn't flow well.

Thanks.

"Dear parents,

This year there are more of us, so, in order to organise ourselves properly, we would like to know the things that may be bothering you about the school, the goals you would like to see achieved and any other comment or suggestion you may have.

Please use the space below to write down any problem regarding the school, requests, suggestions for the Parent Association, etc. We will be meeting on the 16th October at . Please bring this sheet with you completed with your comments so that this year’s work can be arranged. We would like everyone to attend the meeting but if you can't make it, please hand this paper to a parent who will be coming so we have input from everyone.

If you'd like to contribute towards the running of the Parents’ Association, please deposit €30 per family in the association’s bank account: xxxxxxx before November 15th. Paying the fee entitles you to vote, be elected to a position and benefit from any discount on the activities that might be arranged, but all parents are welcome at the meetings."
  

Top answer

) S o, in order to organise ourselves properly, we would like to know the things that may be bothering you about the school, the goals you would like to see achieved and any other comment s or suggestion s you may have. Please use the space below to write down any problem regarding the school, requests as well as suggestions for the Parent s Association, etc. We will be meeting on the 16 th October at .

— Freakynick

  • ) S o, in order to organise ourselves properly, we would like to know the things that may be bothering you about the school, the goals you would like to see achieved and any other comment s or suggestion s you may have.
  • Please use the space below to write down any problem regarding the school, requests as well as suggestions for the Parent s Association, etc.
  • We will be meeting on the 16 th October at .
  • Please bring this sheet with you (putting this here is a bit confusing) completed with your comments so that this year’s work can be arranged.
  • We would like everyone to attend the meeting but if you can't make it, please hand give this paper to a parent who will be coming so we can have input from everyone.
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2 Answers
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Here are a few things I noticed;

"Dear parents,
This year there are more of us ('more of us' what?) So, in order to organise ourselves properly, we would like to know the things that may be bothering you about the school, the goals you would like to see achieved and any other c
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CryptogramI'm trying to sound natural, infomal, casual, approachable and friendly.

Please help me by pointing out anything that sounds stiff or doesn't flow well.

Thanks.

"Dear parents,

This year there are more of us, so, in order to organise ourselves properly, we would like to know the things that may be bothering you about
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