Grammar in my songwriting

Question

im from israel and my native language is my hebrew
and im watching since im 6 a whole lot of show in english
wanted to know how good my grammar is,in my songs i wrote(in english)
what im trying to know is not if there are grammarly correct ,but if they sound ok as rock/pop songs,as to what on mtv right know(language wise).
cause to me they sound ok (language wise) but im still not sure about them.
this one is just a recording after i wrote the song,just so i could remember it later,not really trying there to make a good solid recording.
i repeat,i just wanna know if my English in that song is in accent wise and words wise ok for pop rock songs., if there isn't something weird grammerly that i got in the song just because im not that good in English ...

link to the recording

Thank you for your help
lyrics:
And when i see her goin down the street i
tantelized by all the niceness she embraced
will she wink will she make it stay a while

i pray to god she will make the same mistake
falling through the net and staying there to rot
will she care-rer will she answer my prayer

yeah yeah yeah
im feeling blue honestly i do you too too blame too
oh oh oh

Dimsumexpress · Accepted Answer

Hi,
The first thing I noticed of your post is the absence of capitalization and constant punctuation. You should pay more attention to these areas if you are interested in improving your English, and song writing. This is my opinion. In general. rock songs are not necessarily bound by grammar rules. But the lyrics still need to be relatively cohesive, not necessarily verse to verse, but as a whole song the essence should be revealed to the listener in the words of the lyrics. As person who loves music, I am not able to feel the state of mind of the writer. Some words are just not cohesively connected in my opinion..lyrics:
And when i see her goin down the street i
tantelized by all the niceness she embraced
will she wink will she make it stay a while

i pray to *** she will make the same mistake
falling through the net and staying there to rot
will she care-rer will she answer my prayer

yeah yeah yeah
im feeling blue honestly i do you too too blame too
oh oh oh

Jeremy Brown · Answer

Hi there, congratulations on writing songs in English! I have been to your beautiful country and I really enjoyed it. I hope also one day to learn Hebrew, but it'll have to wait for Spanish.

Unfortunately, I couldn't listen to the audio for some reason, but as a song writer myself, there where a couple things that I wanted to point out to you. In songwriting you can pretty much be at liberty to do anything you want with the words and structure as long as the end result transmits your emotion. I don't know how it is in Israeli music, but that is often done in British and American popular music.

And when i see her goin down the street i
tantelized by all the niceness she embraced
will she wink will she make it stay a while

This part is good, I would consider changing the word niceness however as it sounds kind of awkward to embrace niceness. Perhaps 'beauty' or 'sweetness' would be good substitutes. This verse makes me feel like you are admiring someone, but the next verse makes me feel like you want her to die, so it's kind of confusing. Also, praying for her to make a mistake, then fall through a net, and then be left there to rot is about the most powerful way of saying that you hate someone so much that you hope they die and no one would care enough to even come and bury her.

That being said, in the first verse you are admiring her, and the second verse you REALLY hate her. I don't really get what you are trying to say. Perhaps instead of 'staying there to rot' you could use something like 'drifting out of my mind', that would be a much more poetic way of saying what I think you are trying to say.

On a final note,

im feeling blue honestly i do you too too blame too

To say "I do you too" is a very slangy way of saying "I am having *** with you." To DO somebody means you are sexually active with them. He is doing her= He is having *** with her. I did her = I had *** with her. So I don't know if that is what you are going for in the song, but I just wanted to let you know.

CHEERS!

Elad7610 · Answer

Wow!,thank you very much for the answers the helped me whole lot.
Im trying for years to learn in english more then what they teaching in my school.

Jeremy,in the chorus im saying that i wish she would make the same mistake as i did,which is being tantalized by her.
Im like seeing that beauty that i really like but she doesn't care for me,
Soo im saying that i pray she will make the same mistake and fall into my trap (like fall in "like" with me,like i fell with her.)
falling through the net(trap) and staying there to rot( like Im rotting when she doesn't even notice me.
so , do you think its still right/normal (the chorus"i pray to ***...... answer my prayer..

maybe try to download again...
thanks!

dimsumexpress ,Yeah its true about the capitalization ,but i just tried to write fast.
thank you for the advises.!

Elad7610 · Answer

Can you comment about my accent, is it authentic or foreign ?
i tried some kind of arctic monkeys accent(british) mixed with an american.

Jeremy Brown · Answer

Oh I see now...got it.

What throws me off is the word mistake. I think that is what left me puzzled about your meaning. I'll change it up just a bit just to show you how you can convey your meaning a little more clearly.

i pray to *** she will feel what I feel too
I feel I fell through the net and never came into view
will she care? Or will she be an answered prayer

Of course I don't know what rhythm, style, etc. you are using for this, but this is just one way to make it a little more clear what you described in your last post.

Elad7610 · Answer

thank you ill try to mix it in the song!

Can you tell me what do you think about my accent ??
I tried some kind of arctic monkeys accent(british) mixed with an american.
Does it sound authentic or kind of foreign...

Thanks

Elad7610 · Answer

Where are you from by the way?(like American ,British ,Irish)

Jeremy Brown · Answer

I'm American, I live in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Elad7610 · Answer

Can you tell me what do you think about my accent ??
I tried some kind of arctic monkeys accent(british) mixed with an american.
Does it sound authentic or kind of foreign...
Thanks

Grammar in my songwriting

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions