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Kpanguyen Posted 14 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Grammar, flow and tone correction
Hi, please help me with this business intro letter..
I'm trying to create a good flow and tone of this letter, but at times, i know i've failed to do so
please feel free to correct little or in its entirety if need be
please be blunt and brutally honest
I need this to perfect and receptive to the reader. thanks!!!
Dear Thomas,
It was a great pleasure speaking with you earlier today. I would like to take this opportunity to briefly introduce you to XXXXX. XXXXX was initially originated from Sydney, Australia a trading under BBBBBBBBB. As a family-owned business, we pride ourselves with hard work and dedication, and continue to provide exceptional customer service and value to our customers.
For more than 20 years, we have been constantly striving to create exceptional standards for ourselves and for our customers. With our continued efforts in providing the best value, we have created a production line that has far exceeded industry standards. Our current production line not only provides short lead times, it allows us to provide customers competitive pricing without compromising product quality. A production line that has been highly refined, many of our clients in Sydney has benefited from our process including, but not limited to, DDD, EEEE, FFFF, LLLLL.
We are excited to have the opportunity to expand ourselves here in Brisbane. We hope that you would give us an opportunity to be part of your quotation process, and add us to your preferred supplier list. Feel free to contact me directly should you have any question; I am more than happy to answer any of your enquiries. My staff and I are looking forward to hearing from you soon.
I'm trying to create a good flow and tone of this letter, but at times, i know i've failed to do so
please feel free to correct little or in its entirety if need be
please be blunt and brutally honest
I need this to perfect and receptive to the reader. thanks!!!
Dear Thomas,
It was a great pleasure speaking with you earlier today. I would like to take this opportunity to briefly introduce you to XXXXX. XXXXX was initially originated from Sydney, Australia a trading under BBBBBBBBB. As a family-owned business, we pride ourselves with hard work and dedication, and continue to provide exceptional customer service and value to our customers.
For more than 20 years, we have been constantly striving to create exceptional standards for ourselves and for our customers. With our continued efforts in providing the best value, we have created a production line that has far exceeded industry standards. Our current production line not only provides short lead times, it allows us to provide customers competitive pricing without compromising product quality. A production line that has been highly refined, many of our clients in Sydney has benefited from our process including, but not limited to, DDD, EEEE, FFFF, LLLLL.
We are excited to have the opportunity to expand ourselves here in Brisbane. We hope that you would give us an opportunity to be part of your quotation process, and add us to your preferred supplier list. Feel free to contact me directly should you have any question; I am more than happy to answer any of your enquiries. My staff and I are looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Top answer
Hi, Ok, here goes. Most business letters get to the point very quickly; and then back the point up with interesting detail and argument.. I had no idea where you were going until the last paragraph.
- Hi, Ok, here goes.
- Most business letters get to the point very quickly; and then back the point up with interesting detail and argument..
- I had no idea where you were going until the last paragraph.
- You lost the reader in a bunch of words that do not engage the reader.
- Better to start with the point of what your business or a business relationship can do for Mr.
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6 Answers
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Hi,
Ok, here goes. Most business letters get to the point very quickly; and then back the point up with interesting detail and argument..
I had no idea where you were going until the last paragraph. You lost the reader in a bunch of words that do not engage the reader.
Better to start with the point of what your business or a business relationship can do for Mr. Thomas'. A
Ok, here goes. Most business letters get to the point very quickly; and then back the point up with interesting detail and argument..
I had no idea where you were going until the last paragraph. You lost the reader in a bunch of words that do not engage the reader.
Better to start with the point of what your business or a business relationship can do for Mr. Thomas'. A
00
Hi,
Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure of how to do what you've just recommended. Wouldn't it be right to let Mr. thomas know who we are and what we're capable of? The 2nd paragraph illustrates how he could benefit from doing business with us...short lead time, competitive pricing, and product quality.
I'm struggling a bit on his to fix this.....
Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure of how to do what you've just recommended. Wouldn't it be right to let Mr. thomas know who we are and what we're capable of? The 2nd paragraph illustrates how he could benefit from doing business with us...short lead time, competitive pricing, and product quality.
I'm struggling a bit on his to fix this.....
00
Hi;
I was thinking along these terms:
Dear Thomas,
It was a great pleasure speaking with you earlier today. I think we can both benefit from a mutual business relationship. An efficient supply chain is very important for your business, and that requires high-quality, price-competitive products which are always delivered on time. We are a very well regarded supplier by
I was thinking along these terms:
Dear Thomas,
It was a great pleasure speaking with you earlier today. I think we can both benefit from a mutual business relationship. An efficient supply chain is very important for your business, and that requires high-quality, price-competitive products which are always delivered on time. We are a very well regarded supplier by
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Yours was well-written, and had a fine logical structure. It just depends on the point of view you take - that sets the mood and tone of the entire letter.
Good luck! I hope you get the business!
A-
Good luck! I hope you get the business!
A-
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You're right..I have too much of a logical structure in my writing and it's also how I approach things as well...it does show in my writing. I have to keep practicing this...
Thank you and you are so kind!
Thank you and you are so kind!
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