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Anonymous Posted 12 years ago
Give feedback on my poem
Guilt of Revenge by Kranjol Khanal
Revenge is a drenching thirst,
An emotion you should not seek.
The result or the conflict,
It won’t end inease as you think.
It attacks you the moment you seem weak,
Draining you like a value that decreases,
And feeding you revenge with a spoonful of anger.
Then it tears you apart to a hundred pieces,
It tears your every emotion in vein,
Turning youinto a psychopath that causes commotion.
You have no control over you actions,
The revenge controls you now,
You have no say over what you do.
You are a servant that has taken his vows,
Or a robot that obeys your command.
But a strength arises,
The strength of niceness,
The destroyer of revenge
Then boom it goes,
Then boom it screams,
Then boom it disappears.
It disappears like the night when the sun comes alight.
It all makes you pleased,
The thirst has gone and the anger has vanished.
You have no emotions in you,
Are you ok?
But another strong force arises in your heart,
Sucking your life as a vacuum swallowing dust.
Taking you to your memories a past and forgotten,
Showing you your conducts.
What is it?
The force seeps in like water leaking into a sinking boat.
Growing stronger as it sucks you deeper and deeper inside your mind.
Then, only you realise it,
The guilt of revenge.
Word count- 224
Revenge is a drenching thirst,
An emotion you should not seek.
The result or the conflict,
It won’t end inease as you think.
It attacks you the moment you seem weak,
Draining you like a value that decreases,
And feeding you revenge with a spoonful of anger.
Then it tears you apart to a hundred pieces,
It tears your every emotion in vein,
Turning youinto a psychopath that causes commotion.
You have no control over you actions,
The revenge controls you now,
You have no say over what you do.
You are a servant that has taken his vows,
Or a robot that obeys your command.
But a strength arises,
The strength of niceness,
The destroyer of revenge
Then boom it goes,
Then boom it screams,
Then boom it disappears.
It disappears like the night when the sun comes alight.
It all makes you pleased,
The thirst has gone and the anger has vanished.
You have no emotions in you,
Are you ok?
But another strong force arises in your heart,
Sucking your life as a vacuum swallowing dust.
Taking you to your memories a past and forgotten,
Showing you your conducts.
What is it?
The force seeps in like water leaking into a sinking boat.
Growing stronger as it sucks you deeper and deeper inside your mind.
Then, only you realise it,
The guilt of revenge.
Word count- 224
Top answer
Your poem is very interesting. It has many good word choices and turns of phrase that are clear and arresting. Its main problem is the lack of meter or rhythm: the poem does not carry the reader with it because the rhythm is full of fits and starts.
- Your poem is very interesting.
- It has many good word choices and turns of phrase that are clear and arresting.
- Its main problem is the lack of meter or rhythm: the poem does not carry the reader with it because the rhythm is full of fits and starts.
- As an example, let me try to 'improve' the beat of the first stanza: Revenge— it's a drenching thirst, An emotion you should not seek.
- The result of the conflict within Won’t end in the ease that you think .
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1 Answers
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Your poem is very interesting. It has many good word choices and turns of phrase that are clear and arresting. Its main problem is the lack of meter or rhythm: the poem does not carry the reader with it because the rhythm is full of fits and starts. As an example, let me try to 'improve' the beat of the first stanza:
Revenge— it's a drenching thirst,
An emotion you should
Revenge— it's a drenching thirst,
An emotion you should
0
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