Friday Humo[u]r

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A few things my 81-year-old Aunt Helen send me in email today...

Maria Conlon

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Subject: New birth control pill.
The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the new mint-flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called "Predickamints."

Subject: Nursing Homes
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00... that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.
They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK it takes months to get into decent nursing homes.

There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch, take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafes there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue. What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So:
When I reach the "golden age," help me keep my grin. Come pick me up and check me into the nearest Holiday Inn!

Subject: country mountain wisdom
(Note: Aunt Helen is not from a "country mountain" area.

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

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Usenet · Accepted Answer

[nq:1]Subject: country mountain wisdom (Note: Aunt Helen is not from a "country mountain" area. Don't name a pig you plan to eat.[/nq]
H. Allen Smith wrote a couple of books of the "Kids Say the Darndest Things" sort, one of which had as a name the conclusion of a city girl visiting a farm for the summer who had witnessed a chicken she had taken a liking to being killed for dinner: *Don't Get Perconel With a Chicken.*

Now, I don't know for sure if that "Don't" should be spelled with an apostrophe or not. But I know darn well that the "Perconel" has a "c." I'm sorry to say that the Library of Congress spells the title "Don't get personal with a chicken."

Raymond S. Wise
Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
mplsray @ yahoo . com

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]Subject: country mountain wisdom (Note: Aunt Helen is not from a "country mountain" area. Don't name a pig you plan to eat.[/nq]
[nq:1]H. Allen Smith wrote a couple of books of the "Kids Say the Darndest Things" sort, one of which had ... a "c." I'm sorry to say that the Library of Congress spells the title "Don't get personal with a chicken."[/nq]
http://www.goldwasserbooks.com/cgi-bin/gwb455.cgi/14489.html spells it with the apostrophe. So does http://tinyurl.com/lkh9 (amazon.com). (Both use "perconel.")

Gary G. Taylor * Rialto, CA
gary at cdfound dot org / http:// geetee dot cdfound dot org "The two most abundant things in the universe
are hydrogen and stupidity." Harlan Ellison

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]Subject: country mountain wisdom (Note: Aunt Helen is not from a "country mountain" area. Don't name a pig you plan to eat.[/nq]
My neighbours followed this advice to the letter, except in one unfortunate detail, always referring to the animal as "Pig". They choked on every mouthful.
My eldest was made of sterner stuff with ours, saying "Oh, poor pig!...Tastes good, though!"
Mike.

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]A few things my 81-year-old Aunt Helen send me in email today...[/nq]
Thanks for making me laugh. I especially liked the mints, but the nursing home theory had me thinking seriously about my future.

Rob Bannister

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]A few things my 81-year-old Aunt Helen send me in email today...[/nq]
[nq:1]Thanks for making me laugh. I especially liked the mints, but the nursing home theory had me thinking seriously about my future.[/nq]
Me, too (about the nursing home; I have no need for birth control mints).
You know how they have those old-age homes for actors? I think we should somehow establish a retirement/nursing/old-age home for AUEers. It could be in whichever location suits us best financially. Private rooms, of course, but community rooms also where we can get together and argue... uh, discuss matters. The community rooms might have to be equipped with computers to facilitate communication with each other; face-to-face might be hard to get used to. We'd need the Internet, anyway, for research purposes.
Meals should not be a problem. We have an abundance of chefs here. The food would be so good that we could probably have paying customers from "the outside." (I wonder if there will be a question now about sheep.)

We'd have to decide beforehand how one gets admitted (any restrictions or requirements, such as a minimum number of dictionaries?) and how we can keep the women safe from the rubust he-men that populate this group. (Thinks.) Well, we'll leave that open for now. It may be the other way around in some cases.
Anyway, the AUE Home for (Home for What? Any ideas?) just might work. It would certainly be more interesting than most alternatives.

Maria Conlon
I am serious.

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