Freedom of artists- ielts task 2

Question

Please help me check my writing and improve it. If possible, give me a score and some comments.Thank you very much in advance!
Creative artists should ne given freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures music or film) in whichever way they wish. There should be no government restrictions on what they do.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Freedom, the wonderland for each artist's creativeness, can result in appearance of masterpieces in music, art and cinema, so on. Some people think that artists should be given complete freedom to express their own ideas without any government's restrictions. However, I do not totally agree with this idea.
We can not deny the importance of freedom to artists while composing. Freedom gives those wings of imaginations so that their creativeness goes beyond every border and touches each person's soul. It's a legitimate right for artists to express their ideas in their own ways. True artists always lead people toward truth, kindness and beauty and they create values enriching spiritual people's lives. Hence, the government should give them more encouragements instead of restrictions. It's likely that the more freedom they have, the more successful their works tends to be.

However, it is not a good idea that there shouldn't be any restrictions on ideas expressions of artists. In a modern society, technologies make artistic works come to the public easily and quickly. Beside good content compositions, some poor quality ones with meaningless lyrics or vulgar words released can have bad influence on the community. In addition, nude art can be used to satisfy the dirty demands of some calling themselves artists. Sex scenes in films can have negative effects on personality development of teenagers and children who are easy to imitate what they see. Therefore, government should have detailed restricts and requirements on quality of artist works and artistic performances in order to prevent spreading messages of bad lifestyles in society.

In conclusion, the government should encourage the creativeness of artists by honoring those with great contributions. However, detailed restrictions are necessary for guaranteeing a healthy development of national culture.

KrisBlueNZ · Accepted Answer

This is good. I will be critical in my comments, but this is good.

thuthu87Freedom, the wonderland for each artist's creativeness, can result in appearance of

result in THE appearance of

Or you could completely remove THE APPEARANCE OF

thuthu87masterpieces in music, art and cinema, so on.

... art, cinema, and so on.

thuthu87Some people think that artists should be given complete freedom to express their own ideas

Suggest EXPRESS THEIR IDEAS (remove OWN). It seems redundant to me; who else's ideas would they want to express?

thuthu87without any government's restrictions.

without any GOVERNMENT restrictions, or GOVERNMENTAL restrictions, sound better to me.

thuthu87However, I do not totally agree with this idea. We can not deny

I would use CANNOT

thuthu87We can not deny the importance of freedom to artists while composing.

"Deny the importance of freedom to artists" sounds funny to me, I think because DENY and TO ARTISTS kind-of associate when I read it. Syntactically it's correct, but when you read DENY, your brain is looking for someone that the thing might be denied TO, and TO ARTISTS kind of links with it, when FREEDOM TO ARTISTS is really the right association. Sorry if this is confusing. It's confusing me :-) I would suggest "We cannot deny the importance of freedom FOR artists while composing" (or "while they are creating their art").

thuthu87Freedom gives those wings of imaginations

I didn't say anything about your first sentence, "Freedom, the wonderland for each artist's creativeness,", because it seems to make sense, but "Freedom gives those wings of imaginations" just doesn't work for me. Maybe "Freedom GIVES wings TO the imagination"?

thuthu87so that their creativeness goes beyond every border and touches each person's soul.
It's a legitimate right for artists to express their ideas in their own ways.
You have to be careful with RIGHT (meaning ENTITLEMENT). You can say that artists have a legitimate RIGHT TO express their own ideas, but if you want to start your sentence with "It's a legitimate RIGHT", you have to say "It's a legitimate right OF artists to express ...". This is because the RIGHT (entitlement) that we're talking about is OF the artist. Let's use ENTITLEMENT instead of RIGHT. It's the artist's entitlement, so it's the entitlement OF the artist. So you would have to say "It's a legitimate right OF artists to express ...". This is more wordy than just "Artists have a legitimate right to express ...".
thuthu87True artists always lead people toward truth, kindness and beauty and they create
values enriching spiritual people's lives.
Have you considered using TOWARDS instead of TOWARD?
thuthu87Hence, the government should give them more encouragements instead of restrictions.
ENCOURAGEMENT, singular. "Encouragement" is an uncountable quantity. It means the accumulation of all encouraging events. For example, if I encourage someone by giving them a smile, that's a certain AMOUNT of encouragement, not AN ENCOURAGEMENT. This is why we say "Give him SOME encouragement" instead of "Give him AN encouragement". The phrase "an encouragement" is not ambiguous, but I don't think I would ever say it. So you can't really give "more encouragements".
thuthu87It's likely that the more freedom they have, the more successful their works tends to be.
1. their works TEND to be. WORKS is plural, so you use TEND. TENDS is for a singular - "their WORK TENDS to be", which I think is probably best.

2. Your sentence as a whole has a tentative character, because you start with "It's LIKELY that" and end with "TENDS to be", i.e. two qualifiers of the same type. I can explain by exaggeration: "I think it's VERY LIKELY that it's POSSIBLY true" has no clear meaning to me. I would remove one of those qualifiers.
thuthu87However, it is not a good idea that there shouldn't be any restrictions on ideas expressions of artists.
NOT and SHOULDN'T in the same sentence make it hard to parse. I think it's too wordy. There are MANY ways to reword it.

"However, it would be bad (or WRONG) to remove all restrictions on ..."

"However, removing all restrictions on ... is not a good idea."

"However, I am not advocating (or I DO NOT ADVOCATE) removing all restrictions on ..."
thuthu87In a modern society, technologies make artistic works come to the public easily and quickly.
TECHNOLOGY is the general word for the total of all technological achievements. TECHNOLOGIES is normally used to refer specifically to a number of different branches of technology. For example, modern video games now use gravity sensing and movement detection TECHNOLOGIES.

"MAKE artistic works COME to the public" is clumsy, suggest "BRING artistic works TO the public".
thuthu87Beside good content compositions, some poor quality ones with meaningless lyrics or vulgar words released can have bad influence on the community.
"ALONGSIDE the compositions WITH good content, some poor quality ones, with meaningless lyrics or vulgar words, ARE released, which (or AND THEY) can have A bad influence on the community."
thuthu87In addition, nude art can be used to satisfy the dirty demands of some calling themselves artists.
Do you mean dirty DESIRES?
thuthu87*** scenes in films can have negative effects on personality development of teenagers
"negative effects ON personality development OF teenagers" is wrong. Either "negative effects ON THE personality development OF teenagers" or "negative effects ON personality development IN teenagers". Probably cleanest to say "can negatively affect personality development in teenagers".
thuthu87and children who are easy to imitate what they see.
BZZZT! "and children who EASILY (or READILY) imitate what they see".

The words "easy to" associate strongly, as in "That's EASY TO DO" or "That's EASY for YOU TO SAY". So EASY TO IMITATE means that someone can IMITATE it without difficulty. This is NOT what you mean, and it's a little jarring for a native speaker. I would say "children who READILY imitate what they see".
thuthu87Therefore, government should have detailed restricts and requirements on
THE GOVERNMENT, or GOVERNMENTS if you mean worldwide.

"detailed RESTRICTIONS and requirements FOR"
thuthu87quality of artist works and artistic performances
I think the restrictions and requirements you're proposing are related to the CONTENT of the work, not the QUALITY of it.
thuthu87in order to prevent spreading messages of bad lifestyles in society.
"in order to prevent messages that encourage (?) bad lifestyles from spreading in society"
thuthu87In conclusion, the government should encourage the creativeness of artists by honoring those with great contributions. However, detailed restrictions are necessary for guaranteeing a healthy development of national culture.
guaranteeing THE healthy

Sorry it's a bit rushed at the end

KrisBlueNZ

Thuthu87 · Answer

Thank you so much for picking up my mistakes. I can learn a lot from your comments and corrections.

Thuthu87 · Answer

I has made some changes to the writing according to your suggestions. I really want to know your ideas about this essay.

Freedom, the wonderland for each artist’s creativeness, can result in masterpieces in music, art, cinema, and so on. Some people think that artists should be given complete freedom to express their own ideas without any government restrictions. However, I do not totally agree with this idea.

We cannot deny the importance of freedom for artists while composing. Freedom gives wings to the imaginations so that their creativeness goes beyond every border and touches each person’s soul. It’s a legitimate right of artists to express their ideas in their own ways. True artists always lead people towards truth, kindness and beauty and they create values enriching spiritual people’s lives. Hence, the government should give them more encouragement instead of restrictions. The more freedom they have, the more successful their works will be.

However, I do not advocate removing all restrictions on ideas expressions of artists. In a modern society, technologies bring artistic works to the public easily and quickly. Alongside the composition with good content, some poor quality ones, with meaningless lyrics or vulgar words, are released, can have a bad influence on the community. In addition, nude art can be used to satisfy the dirty demands of some calling themselves artists. *** scenes in films can negatively affect personality development of teenagers and children who readily imitate what they see. Therefore, government should have detailed restrictions and requirements for quality of artist works and artistic performances in order to prevent spreading messages of bad lifestyles in society.

In conclusion, because artistic works impact greatly on beliefs, values and lifestyles in our society, governments should impose necessary policies for guaranteeing the healthy development of national culture in particular and honor creative artists with great contributions to human kinds’ development in general.

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

"I HAVE made some changes to the writing ..."

You haven't fixed all the places I flagged in my previous message.

Also I've noticed a few things that I didn't mention before.

"... government restrictions. However, I do not ..." The two sentences can be combined, with some improvement: "... government restrictions, but I DON'T ENTIRELY agree". (DON'T ENTIRELY AGREE is better than DO NOT TOTALLY AGREE.)

"True artists" extra whitespace

"... removing all restrictions on IDEAS EXPRESSIONS of artists" should be IDEAS AND EXPRESSIONS

"Alongside the COMPOSITIONS with good content, ..."

"... are released, AND THEY can have a bad influence ..."

"negatively affect personality development IN teenagers ..."

"... and requirements for THE quality of ARTISTIC works and (ARTISTIC removed) performances ..."

"... national culture in particular, and TO honor creative artists WHO HAVE MADE great contributions to HUMANKIND'S development in general."

Freedom of artists- ielts task 2

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