Formal Letter

Question

Hi,I wrote a sample official letter. Could you please check it for me. I meant to write it very formal.Thanks.Dear Sir or MadamAs regards a certain issue, you must be informed that any official certification of Bachelor of Science of Ms. xx from this university is no longer valid until certain considerations.Your Faithfully

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hello Yeganeh;

Obscurity, excessive verbiage and formality often cohabit in an official letter, but they don't have to.

If I were to receive this letter, I would be very upset that my hard-earned BS or MSc may no longer be valid, and the reason for it is completely obscured.

The sentence leaves the reader confused and dangling.

Formal letters should be written in clear, concise language that explains the situation.

Yeganeh · Answer

Hi AlpheccaStars,
I was trying to be concrete, and say no further information. Just give the sufficient information and done!
Were my wordings formal enough? I mean, did they sound smooth and solid? Like a higher authority wrote it.

Thanks,
And glad to know you.

BarbaraPA · Answer

The problem with your letter is that it does NOT provide sufficient information. What certain issue? What considerations? What am I supposed to do with my non-valid degree?

So no, it does not sound "smooth and solid." It sounds vague and confusing.

Yeganeh · Answer

Thanks.

First off, I was more focused on the wordings, not the content. Seemingly, there was no argue about my choosing of words, so let's focus on the content.

We are informed that you are proceeding an application for Mr./Ms. X. As regards a problematic issue about the scores, you must be informed that any official certification and transcript of Bachelor of Science of Computer Science of Mr./Ms. X (too much of! Isn't it?) from this university is no longer valid until further considerations. It is possible that it take one or two months. (It is weird that if I, as a cruel official, wanted to not let Mr./Ms. X continue the process and then add information about the period of time that might take to reconsider the scores! I mean, is it natural?! Even if I wanted to look like a normal, job-doer, determined! official)

BarbaraPA · Answer

I don't understand what is happening at all.
Don't try to write the letter this time. Just answer:

1) Who are you writing to? What is their relationship to the university? Why do they need this information in the first place?
2) Is Mr/Ms X a past student? Why is Mr/Ms X's transcript not valid? Do you expect it to become valid?
3) What are you doing to figure that out? Will you notify the person you are writing to today when you have made your decision? Should they write back in another few months?

Yeganeh · Answer

BarbaraPAI don't understand what is happening at all.Don't try to write the letter this time. Just answer:

I read those lines, and I don't know why I imagined your face with confused face!

Well, I am the head of the university, and I am writing to another head of university.
Mr. Ms. X is a student. My previous student of my university.
It seems a fraud or some kind of cheating has happened. So I want to undo what I might have done wrong! Or keep things suspended until I find out.
I want to gather a committee as soon as possible, in a month or two, and correct the possible mistake!

BarbaraPA · Answer

Okay - I'm starting to understand.

Are you holding the transcripts of every student who MAY have been part of the cheating situation?
Doing this may keep innocent students from receiving a place at this other university.

Or, do you think this student is very likely to have cheated?

See if this letter helps you - but realize that if Jane Doe was not part of the cheating situation and she is denied a place in the new university because you refuse to release her transcripts, she has a very valid complaint against you.

Dear Dr. Jones,
Recently XYZ university [this is your institution] received a request for a transcript for Jane Doe, a former student in our Computer Science program.

Unfortunately, at this time, we cannot comply with this request. There is some uncertainty about the validity of the scores for a number of students in this program. We are actively investigating the situation and hope to have a resolution in approximately two months. Until then, we are not releasing the transcripts for any of these students.

--
Or, are you releasing the transcripts, but refusing to certify them?

Yeganeh · Answer

Thanks Barbara!
I was considered that I already released the transcripts and certifications. And it's kinda freaking me out that I discovered the cheating after releasing the documents. I don't want to compromise my directorship by telling that I made a mistake. So, I gave less information. I talked less and from the summit to prove that I am not bowing down! I don't want to accept my mistake. Of course those were my feelings when I was writing the letter. You know?

BarbaraPA · Answer

Your problem is not one that good grammar can fix.

Do you truly believe that Jane Doe is part of the cheating situation? Do you think she should not have been accepted into this other university? Are you willing to accept the consequences if your letter causes her to lose her place, and then you find out that she's innocent?

If the situation were reversed and you were receiving this letter, what would you NEED it to tell you? What would you LIKE it to include?

Consider that and write that letter - not the one that tries to protect you, but the one that provides what your counterpart needs to know.

Yeganeh · Answer

Loved your talk.
You reminded me one of my friend, actually a group of them. Not because that you are exactly similar, but just simply because I smile when I was reading it and unconsciously I remember that one friend. Let's get back to that one particular friend. It is a she! She always tries to be unemotional, and pretend to be very strong independent woman. She was top student among 120 student of her grade, her TOEFL score was 117/120.
When we were practicing English, if I make mistakes about not saying the past sense in a dialogue. I saw her hand ready to slap me!
But she still want to hide that she is a kind girl. She just burned herself to not show that she is very kind.
And the group of friend, are all women. Care about people's emotions.
It wasn't related, but I just loved your reaction.

You right, I must consider that, but I'm an official who is not but a cruel heartless ***, and don't care about other's futures. Only selfishly care about my position. Just role playing.

And you said my problem is not my grammar. Do I write well enough?
Thanks.

Formal Letter

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