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Angliholic Posted 16 years ago
Grammar
Forget Me Not
Your lovely serene face is a forget-me-not in full bloom
I stumbled across in spring.
Missing the faint fragrance your skin gave off,
I pined away every second.
It doesn’t matter now,
for I find every light blue petal in a forget-me-not
mirrors every sweet smile of yours
that has been lingering in my mind.
Hi,
I scribbled the above on my blog to practice my English. Correct me where I am wrong. Thanks.
I stumbled across in spring.
Missing the faint fragrance your skin gave off,
I pined away every second.
It doesn’t matter now,
for I find every light blue petal in a forget-me-not
mirrors every sweet smile of yours
that has been lingering in my mind.
Hi,
I scribbled the above on my blog to practice my English. Correct me where I am wrong. Thanks.
Top answer
I think you have something of a talent for this, Angli. My comments are picky ones. Where smells are concerned, "gave off" to me has a slightly unsavoury undertone,* which doesn't fit with the presumably pleasant sensation you are recollecting.
- I think you have something of a talent for this, Angli.
- My comments are picky ones.
- Where smells are concerned, "gave off" to me has a slightly unsavoury undertone,* which doesn't fit with the presumably pleasant sensation you are recollecting.
- The juxtapositon of "pined away", which describes a gradual long-term change, with the short-term "every second" jars slightly for me.
- * Edit: Though I suppose we say a flower gives off a pleasant smell and such things....
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5 Answers
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I think you have something of a talent for this, Angli. My comments are picky ones.
Where smells are concerned, "gave off" to me has a slightly unsavoury undertone,* which doesn't fit with the presumably pleasant sensation you are recollecting.
The juxtapositon of "pined away", which describes a gradual long-term change, with the short-term "every second" jars slightly for me.
Where smells are concerned, "gave off" to me has a slightly unsavoury undertone,* which doesn't fit with the presumably pleasant sensation you are recollecting.
The juxtapositon of "pined away", which describes a gradual long-term change, with the short-term "every second" jars slightly for me.
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Thanks, Mr Wordy, for the comment.
And I subscribe to it because it makes perfect sense. The following is a rewrite. Feel free to give me advice if there still is something that doesn't smell good. Thanks again in advance.
Your lovely serene face is a forget-me-not in full bloom
I stumbled across in spring.
Missing the faint scent your fragrant body gave off,
I kept
And I subscribe to it because it makes perfect sense. The following is a rewrite. Feel free to give me advice if there still is something that doesn't smell good. Thanks again in advance.
Your lovely serene face is a forget-me-not in full bloom
I stumbled across in spring.
Missing the faint scent your fragrant body gave off,
I kept
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Hi,
I forgot to replace "gave off" with "emitted." That is,
Missing the faint scent your fragrant/youthful body emitted,
I kept pining away every second.
I forgot to replace "gave off" with "emitted." That is,
Missing the faint scent your fragrant/youthful body emitted,
I kept pining away every second.
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AngliholicMissing the faint scent your fragrant/youthful body emitted,I think "emitted" is worse than "gave off"! The word is too technical, and it also sounds whiffy. Maybe you could just say "Missing the fragrance of your skin"? To me, that seems more wholesome and appetising.
I kept pining away every second
Anglihol
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Thanks, Mr Wordy, for the excellent advice.
I subscribe to it.
Regards
I subscribe to it.
Regards
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