first time writing a motivational letter....HELP!!!!!!

Question

Hi,I understand this forum is mainly for people needing help with their english.  I am from Canada, so in my case it is not my english that is lacking, more so my lack in writing skill.  To explain my situation I am now living in Belgium with my family (I was born here) but due to financial circumstances I cannot return to Canada to finish my eduation; instead, I am applying to 2 universities in Holland.  I have never written a letter of motivation before, as incredible as that may sound and I have been reading example after example on the forum (very helpful I may add).  My problem now is that in everyone's letters they always have something incredible to write about themselves: a program they started, an award they won, etc. Me?  I'm just an ordinary student who desperately wants to get in to a university here.  I don't feel like I have anything really worthwhile to write about myself.  I REALLY need some help.  This is the letter to the first university I am applying to and it is due within this week.  This university seems a little more laid-back then the second one, but I want to ensure all my bases are covered.  I really don't have anyone I can turn to here in Belgium for english help, I am hoping this forum will make an exception for me this one time. So here it is...  Just to make a note I feel that I filled in a lot of the gaps with useless information but I do not know how to cut it out.  And also the sentences in red are those which I know are wrong or run-on, but I am feeling completely brain dead at the moment and have no idea how to reword.  As I said....HELPPPP!!!=== Dear Sir:I wish to apply as a transfer student to the bachelor program offered at University College Maastricht.  I am currently on a sabbatical from my studies as I have just moved back to Belgium from Canada this past May 2005.  I was born in Belgium but as I have lived in Canada my entire life, I do hold a dual citizenship.  After having one year to reflect I am extremely eager to rejoin the academic community and continue my educational career in pursuit of my bachelors degree.  Previously in Canada, I spent two years- from September 2003 until September 2005- studying towards a Bachelor of Health Sciences at the University of William.  Due to unforeseen circumstances my family made the decision to move back to Belgium and as a result my studies were temporarily suspended.  During this past year I have strived to adapt to the major differences in lifestyle and culture, and foremost to embrace these changes.  I have spent the vast majority of this year in school, full-time, to learn the native language here, Dutch.  The aspect which most attracts me towards the University College Maastricht is the unique opportunity in which I am able to freely choose which courses I would like study.  This method of studying is unheard of in Canada.  During the course of my previous two years of university I felt I was trapped in my program of choice from the first day.  For the three or four years of university your course schedule is completely accounted for, with minimal room for modification.  Furthermore, with classes reaching sizes of up to 700 or more students I felt more like a number then an individual.  My academic needs were not being met.  These are a major influence in my decision to apply to University College Maastricht.During my highschool career, I opted to join a co-op placement program and was chosen amongst several candidates for a position in the Intensive Care Unit in Matthew University Hospital in Canada.  It was during the 5 months which I spent in this placement that I discovered my interest in the field of medicine.  Although it is always science, in particular biology, that appeals to me first; I am not yet ready to confine myself to this one subject.  It is not only the scientific aspect of medicine that interests me, but also, the various other aspects of healthcare as well.  These disciplines which are directly related to the field of medicine, but which are typically not foremost in people's minds.  I expect my university education to allow me to focus on my one core subject of choice while simultaneously allowing me to study from subjects outside of that field.  I find it more important to receive a fully-rounded education for my bachelor degree as opposed to something which will limit my future choices.  I believe I will be able to receive this type of education within the university college maastricht.As for future goals, I fully intend on pursuing a masters degree in a field more specific to my career after finishing my bachelor program.  I am considering branching into the field of forensic sciences or going in the other direction and researching the ethics of healthcare.  With the solid foundation I will receive from the bachelor program at the Univeristy College Maastricht I am confident that I will be able to expand my educational horizons and make a successful first step onto the road of life-long education that awaits me.  Thank you very much for you time and consideration.  I am eagerly awaiting your positive response.  Sincerely,

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

It's OK for you to submit this letter to a Belgian university in English?

Please read carefully to pick up my small suggestions, eg commas.

===

indent the start of your paragraphs

Dear Sir:

I wish to apply as a transfer student to the bachelor program offered at University College, Maastricht. I am currently on a sabbatical from my studies as I have just moved back to Belgium from Canada, this past May 2005. I was born in Belgium but as I have lived in Canada my entire life, I do hold a dual citizenship. After having one year to reflect, I am extremely eager to rejoin the academic community and continue my educational career in pursuit of my bachelor's degree.

Previously in Canada, I spent two years, from September 2003 until September 2005, studying towards a Bachelor of Health Sciences at the University of William. Due to unforeseen circumstances ,my family made the decision to move back to Belgium and as a result my studies were temporarily suspended. During this past year I have strived to adapt to the major differences in lifestyle and culture, and foremost to embrace these changes. I have spent the vast majority of this year in school, full-time, to learn the native language here, Dutch.

The aspect which most attracts me towards the University College, Maastricht, is the unique opportunity of being able to freely choose which courses I would like to take. This method of studying is unheard of in Canada. During the course of my previous two years of university, I felt I was trapped in my program of choice from the first day. For all my years of university, my course schedule iwas completely accounted for, with minimal room for modification. Furthermore, with classes reaching sizes of up to 700 or more students, I felt more like a number then an individual. My academic needs were not being met. This is a major factor in my decision to apply to University College, Maastricht.

During my high-school career, I opted to join a co-op placement program and was chosen for a position in the Intensive Care Unit in Matthew University Hospital, in Canada. It was during the 5 months which I spent in this placement that I discovered my interest in the field of medicine. Although it has always been science, in particular biology, that has primarily appealed to me, I am not yet ready to confine myself to this one subject. It is not only the scientific aspect of medicine that interests me, but also the various other aspects of health-care as well. I mean those disciplines which are directly related to the field of medicine, but which are typically not foremost in people's minds. <<< perhaps offer a couple of examples?I expect my university education to allow me to focus on my one core subject of choice while simultaneously allowing me to study various subjects outside that particular field. I believe it more important to receive a fully-rounded education for my bachelor degree as opposed to something which will limit my future choices. I believe I will be able to receive this type of education within the University College, Maastricht.

As for future goals, I am fully intent on pursuing a master's degree in a field more specific to my career after finishing my bachelor program. I am considering branching into the field of forensic sciences, or going in the other direction and researching the ethics of health-care. With the solid foundation I will receive from the bachelor program at the Univeristy College, Maastricht, I am confident that I will be able to expand my educational horizons and take a successful first step onto the road of life-long education that awaits me.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I am eagerly awaiting your positive response.

Sincerely,

I think you have written this very well. You give me the impression of being a thoughtful and mature person. If I were the Admissions Officer, I would consider you positively.

Please post here again if you need any more assistance, now or later.

My best wishes for good luck with this, from one Canadian to another.

Clive

Cdngirlinbelgium · Answer

Thank you Clive for taking the time to read through my letter!

What I am most worried about is that I do not have enough "solid evidence" that I am a capable student. I feel like all I can offer are my ideas, but not anything concrete. Do you understand what I mean?

And as for your concerns about writing an english letter to a Belgian university, the universities I am applying to are in fact in Holland and they are both fully english universities! They are both branches of larger, dutch, universities. The reason why I am so nervous, and why my letter must be perfect is because these two universities are very small, with limited space. For example, one of the two only accepts 200 applicants per year, and as an international university attracting students from around the world, this does not leave me with much room for error.

Please feel free to give more criticism. It is always welcome.

Cdngirlinbelgium · Answer

Just wanted to post my newly revised letter of motivation and see if I could get any more feedback. Thanks once again.

===

Dear Sir:

I wish to apply as a transfer student to the bachelor program offered at University College Maastricht. I am currently on a sabbatical from my studies as I have just moved back to Belgium from Canada, this past May 2005. I was born in Belgium but as I have resided in Canada my entire life, I do hold a dual citizenship. After having one year to reflect, I am extremely eager to rejoin the academic community and continue my educational career in pursuit of my bachelor degree.

Previously in Canada, I spent two years, from September 2003 until September 2005, studying towards a Bachelor of Health Sciences at the University of William. Due to unforeseen circumstances, my family made the decision to move back to Belgium and as a result my studies were temporarily suspended. During this past year I have strived to adapt to the major differences in lifestyle and culture, and foremost to embrace these changes. I have spent the vast majority of this year in school, full-time, to learn the native language here, Dutch.

The aspect which most attracts me towards the University College Maastricht is the unique opportunity of being able to freely choose which courses I would like take. This method of studying is unheard of in Canada. During the course of my previous two years of university, I felt I was trapped in my program of choice from the first day. For all my years of university, my course schedule was completely accounted for, with minimal room for modification. Furthermore, with classes reaching sizes of up to 700 or more students, I felt more like a number then an individual. My academic needs were not being met. This is a major factor in my decision to apply to University College Maastricht.

During my high-school career, I opted to join a co-op placement program and was chosen for a position in the Intensive Care Unit in Matthew University Hospital, in Canada. It was during the 5 months which I spent in this placement that I discovered my interest in the field of medicine. Although it has always been science, in particular biology, which has primarily appealed to me, I am not yet ready to confine myself to this one subject. It is not only the scientific aspect of medicine that interests me, but also the various other aspects of healthcare as well. I mean those disciplines which are directly related to the field of medicine, but which are typically not foremost in people's minds. For example, those laws and ethical boundaries governing every decision a doctor makes or the components that are necessary in order for a hospital to function as a fully integrated team, from the hospital administration to front-line care. I am also extremely interested in researching the different models of health care such as the biomedical, socio-environmental, and economical models, all of which and they way in which they interact to directly influence the health of one community, city, or even entire nation. I believe this type of knowledge is vital if we expect to continuously improve our level of healthcare; not only for our country, but for those third world countries with no access to much-needed medical intervention. I expect my university education to allow me to focus on my one core subject of choice while simultaneously giving me the freedom to study from subjects outside of that particular field. I believe it more important to receive a fully-rounded education for my bachelor degree as opposed to something which will limit my future choices. I believe I will be able to receive this type of education within the University College Maastricht.

As for future goals, I am fully intent on pursuing a master's degree in a field more specific to my career after finishing my bachelor program. I am considering branching into the field of forensic sciences, or going in the other direction and researching the ethics of health-care. With the solid foundation I will receive from the bachelor program at the University College Maastricht, I am confident that I will be able to expand my educational horizons and take a successful first step onto the road of life-long education that awaits me.

Thank you very much for you time and consideration. I am eagerly awaiting your positive response.

Sincerely,

Anonymous · Answer

Please Clive, help with this.
Dear Sir,
The position of a Executive Assistant is surely a wonderful opportunity to bring out the best in aspiring young professionals to develop their skills and knowledge in the management of global economy. As a young aspiring professional in the field of administration and finance, am motivated by this lofty idea to contribute positively to the effective management of the many administrative and financial problems that is prevalent in the world especially in sub-Saharan Africa.
As a degree holder in philosophy, am motivated to use my skills to enhance the development of economical and administrative issues that may result from the various economy issues like unemployment, low standard of education and low input in agriculture to mention but a few; confronting the West African Regions. These issues have rendered many people hopeless and shattered many dreams. The effect of mismanagement, corruption, greed and bad leadership to the effective management of these problems are enormous and cannot be over-emphasised, thus the need to have competent and experienced young professionals with the right mind and orientation to manage these problems. I will be more interested in all aspects of the job as it’s relevant to my vision as regard the management of a developing/ growing economy related problems in the sub region.
With my experience as a philosopher and my administrative skills will be relevant in ensuring the proper management of these problems, and intend to build a career as an economy consultant and administrator thus helping nations to recover after going through the many economy/ financial and administration related ordeals. My key strengths include amongst others; excellence oral and written skills in English language, excellent people management skills, a good team player and my zeal for continued excellence in all I do has endeared me to several organisations. I intend to put in my best to boost your organisational goals in all ramifications.
With the platform provided by organisation, it’s perfect for me to actualise my dreams of contributing my own quota to finding a lasting solution to the menace caused by corruption and bad governance in my country, Mali. The skills, knowledge and experiences this opportunity will equip me with; will go a long way to enhance the effective management of these issues in my locality and the African sub region as a whole.

Yours faithfully,
Kesi

first time writing a motivational letter....HELP!!!!!!

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