Feedback on IELTS Writing Task 1

Question

The bar chart shows the proportion of Australians who did methodical physical activity in 2010. For this purpose, they are divided in groups based on their gender and age.

Regarding males, the shares of them doing physical activities is always lower than the one of females with one exception. In fact, in the age group 15-24, the fraction of males playing sports overcomes the one of females by 5 percentage points, 52.8 and 47.7 respectively.

According to the graph, Australian women trained more than men in all the other age groups. In particular, in the age group 45-54, the share of females doing physical activities reached its peak at 53.3%, 10 percentage points more than men in the same group.

Overall, Australian females trained more than males in 2010, except for the age group with teenagers and people in their mid-twenties. However, the differences in terms of percentages between the two genders which is always around 5 percentage points or more, is slight with respect to the mature age group 65+.

thank you!

task 1

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart shows the proportion of Australians who did regular exercise ~~methodical physical activity~~ in 2010. ~~For this purpose,~~ They are divided in groups based on their gender and age. (Incomplete. How many age groups are there? What are the age brackets?)

Regarding males, the

Regarding males, the shares (wrong word) of them doing physical activities is always lower than their counterparts ~~the one of~~ ~~females~~ with one exception. In fact, in the age group 15-24, the fraction of males playing sports (not a good synonym. There are many kinds of regular physical activity, like walking, which are not sports.) overcomes (wrong word) the one of females by 5 percentage points, 52.8 and 47.7 respectively.

~~According to the graph,~~ (What graph are you talking about? You mentioned a bar chart, not a graph. Besides, these are unproductive words. They do not inform the reader.) Australian women trained (Wrong word) more than men in all the other age groups. In particular, in the age group 45-54, the share of females doing physical activities reached its peak at 53.3%, 10 percentage points more than men in the same group.

Overall, Australian females trained more than males in 2010, (repetitive) except for the age group with teenagers and people in their mid-twenties. However, the differences in terms of percentages between the two genders which is always around 5 percentage points or more, is slight ~~with respect to~~ the mature age group 65+.

The flow of your paragraphs is not good. Put your main observations in the second paragraph so the examiner will notice them and not deduct points for task completion.

Sample essay: (Note: this essay is too long, 240 words, but it will give you some phrases to use.)

The bar chart compares the percentages of Australian men versus women who did regular physical activity, divided into six age groups. The data is from one year, 2010. The six age groups are: 15 to 24, 25 to 34, 35 to 44, 45 to 54, 55 to 64 and over 64.

Overall, in round numbers, the proportions ranged between 39% and 53%. Except for the youngest age group, more women than men participated in regular exercise. The data showed clear age-related patterns, rather than random variations. The women's data showed less variation than the men's.

For men, the level of participation was highest, nearly 53%, for the youngest age group. It declined to a low of about 40% for those between 35 and 44, and then increased again to 47% in the oldest age group. For women in the youngest age group, about 47% did regular exercise. This rose slightly (about 5%) to 52-53 percent in the middle age groups (35 to 64), and then declined to about 47% in the oldest age group.

The gender gap, the difference between women and men, was present for all age groups over 25. It was highest in the middle age groups, about 12% for the 35-to-44 age bracket, and 10% for the next higher age group. This gap was narrowest (less than 1%) in the 65-and-over age group, about 47% for both sexes.

Feedback on IELTS Writing Task 1

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions