Feedback and Score for IELTS Writing Task 2

I tried to make up an example, please check whether it is relevant or not and suggest some good ones. Thank you!

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Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

Crime is a serious issue that has caused great concern for people around the world. Worryingly, the number of people commiting crime have risen in recent years and there are many factors that contribute to this increase. However, there are also certain solutions to tackle this issue.

One of the major cause why many people commit crime is that most of them live in poor and uneducated areas. These people usually don't have enough money to buy basic things such as food and clothes and crime like robbery is seen at the only way for them to quickly get money. A good evidence of this is the statistic provided by FBI. It has shown that in during the 2015 - 2020 period more than 80% of crimes in America were commited by impoverished people and those who dropped out of high school. Another important reason is that the increase in criminal activity is associated with the rise in violent media. A lot of people, especially teenagers, have been stimulated by games and films that contain violent contents and many of them commit crime just because they want to mimick the fictional characters in these entertainment products.

However, it is still possible for governments to prevent this by having appropriate solutions. One of them is to improve living conditions in poor, uneducated areas. They need to encourage charity works and provide employment opportunities for these areas so that poor people can have enough money to fulfill their basic needs. Moreover, governments should put restriction on violent media so that young people will be protected from the negative effects of them, thus reduce the risk of commiting crime.

To conclude, while crime rate increase is a dangerous problem that is very difficult to deal with, we can still prevent it by having proper solutions.