Essay Writing

Question

The thirst for knowledge began some years ago when I was just a teen. Not knowing the obstacles that I was going to be faced with I stepped out in faith. Faith in who I was at the time, faith in my teachers and family but most of all faith in God. I knew that the decision to receive a higher education would change my life forever. But I could not have ever imagined the effect it would have on me as an individual.

My name is Jamillah Glinton and I am a Junior at the majoring in Mass Communications with a concentration in Broadcast Journalism. Inspired by those familiar faces on our Caribbean Television Screens I decided that becoming an International News Anchor would help to promote the many talents of my Bahamian people. I am a hard working individual that enjoys keeping up with the worlds ever changing society and keeping those informed about these changes.

My first year at the was not an easy one. I went to the with a suitcase of clothing, five hundred dollars cash and the instructions that my parents had entrenched in me from a child. The process of be admitted into was more rugged than I had initially thought it would be. My biggest problem was not having enough funds to cover my tuition, which is some $12,000. This process was going to be my breaking point. Not knowing anyone at the institution proved to make this process even worst. If it had not have been for my former principal Mrs. Cheryl Marshall-Campbell I would have been sent back to the with a broken and crushed spirit. She managed to work her magic and got me admitted into the school with a Promissory Note and my $2,000 scholarship that I had received from the Bethune-Cookman University Concert Chorale.

Throughout my first semester I managed to attain a G.P.A above a 3.0 and tackled the responsibilities of being a member of various campus based organizations to obtain the funds needed to continue my education.

Upon Completing my first semester I left a balanced on my student account that I knew was impossible for my parents to clear by themselves. My mother who has be unemployed since 2004 has become depended on assistance from the Government to help take care of my younger brother and supply him with the tools needed to be a successful primary school student and my Father is a Contractor who has been unable to find a stable job in a very unstable economy. From the time graduated the with Honors and served as the Deputy Head Girl my family’s income has only been enough to pay the bills and keep food in house.

I don’t believe in luck but I strongly believe in miracles. Somehow, someway

Benny777 · Accepted Answer

Hello Jamillah, let me start off first by complimenting you on a really heartfelt essay, often times when you're reading something, it can be hard to feel attached to the writer's experience, because they don't capture the emotion of their situation that well. However with your essay, I felt like you really described how you felt and I like how you challenged yourself by faith, as a Christian myself I live by faith, trusting and often failing to go through with ***'s plan even when it makes me uncomfortable. Anyways I am an English tutor and so I wanted to correct your essay with you.

The first thing I want to address with you are grammatical issues, then the second thing I will address with you will be the ending of your essay. Please get back to me with your comments, as an English tutor I want to become better at helping people, so your feedback is extremely important to me. That means, if something I say doesn't make sense, tell me it doesn't make sense and ask me to clarify and go into more detail, it is better for us both,

.

Verb Tenses:

The first issue I want to discuss with you has to do with verb tenses, everything in blue will represent the problem of present and past verb tenses in your essay.

of be admitted- since you defined this as a process, you want to use the progressive form of the verb, "be". The progressive form of a verb is used to describe something that was, is, or will be an ongoing action. What is the progressive form of the verb be? The process of being admitted.

which is some $12,000- remember, you want to use past tense verbs, because you are referring to your experience in the past tense. Look at this part of your sentence and figure out how to show it happened in the past.

be unemployed since 2004 has become depended- I want you to figure out what's wrong with this sentence by yourself.

My mother who has be unemployed since 2004 has become depended- the -ed in depended indicates that she was dependant in the past, but you're saying she is dependant now, so make sure it's in the present tense. Also, you want to avoid repeating words over and over again, because it gets annoying to the person reading it. In the second "has", say "is now dependant", that way you avoid wordiness.

I left a balanced on my student account that I knew was impossible for my parents to clear by themselves... because you already used left to describe what you did in the past, you don't need to use the past tense form of the noun balance. You could just say I left a balance. However, the word balance is going to be confusing to the reader, because it just means what you have in your account. What you need to express is that you left some kind of a bill, or debt that your parents wouldn't be able to pay off.

from a child- instead of from a child, we use as a child. If you wanted to say that you had morphed into a different person, you would say I changed from a child. But because you want to describe what you had been like in the past, or what was done to you in the past, you use "as".

process even worst- We have 3 forms of an adjective. Positive, Comparative and Superlative. Positive is just the basic adjective, comparative is to compare one thing to another, and superlative is to compare one thing to 2 or more things. For example, if I were to say I am happy, I would be using the positive adj. happy, I'm not comparing myself to anybody, I'm just expressing how I feel. If I were to say I am happier than you, I would be using the comparative adj., because I'm comparing myself to one other person-you. If I were to say I am the happiest person in this world, I would be using the superlative form, because I am comparing myself to more than one person. In the adjective "worst", you are trying to express that the situation was now even more worse than it had been previously.... in other words, you are comparing one degree of badness to another. For that reason, you do not need to use worst, because worst would describe that your situation was as bad as any situation could possibly get. Instead, you just use worse to say that it became more bad.

From the time graduated- from the time who graduated?

Father is a Contractor-do these words need capitolization? Earlier in that sentence you didn't capitolize the word mother... and a contractor isn't a proper noun.

So that finishes the grammatical side, as an end note I wanted to clarify one common thing you want to always do in an essay. There's a philosophy that we have when we talk about what verb tenses to use, and that is Verb Tense Consistency. What this means is that whenever you write an essay, you want to make sure that everything is in the same tense. You do not want to jump from the present to the past, or from the present to the future, unless you're intentionally trying to express a sequence of events. For example, if you were to say... I used to run a lot, but now I never run at all... it would be a good example of being allowed to jump from the past to the present. That is because you want to show that something has CHANGED by now. However, in the grammar issues I went over with you in BLUE, you used the present tense form of a verb, even though you were supposed to use the past tense. If you remember to use consistent verb tenses, it will go a LONG way in improving your paper.

The next thing I want to discuss with you is the ending to your essay.

Upon Completing my first semester I left a balanced on my student account that I knew was impossible for my parents to clear by themselves. My mother who has be unemployed since 2004 has become depended on assistance from the Government to help take care of my younger brother and supply him with the tools needed to be a successful primary school student and my Father is a Contractor who has been unable to find a stable job in a very unstable economy. From the time graduated the Eight Mile Rock High School with Honors and served as the Deputy Head Girl my family’s income has only been enough to pay the bills and keep food in house.

I don’t believe in luck but I strongly believe in miracles. Somehow, someway.

In the 2nd sentence of this last paragraph you abruptly transfer to the present tense after using the past tense in your entire essay. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in order to make the change seem more natural, think of what you can change to the second sentence to express the transition from past to present. If you don't use any kind of word that shows we're in the present now, it will seem awkward to the professor when they are all of a sudden having to read present tense.

The ending of your essay can be improved. I think you should bring together your opening philosophy about faith, with the tough situation you're in right now. Whenever you want to end an essay, you want to make sure you repeat your opening point in different words, so that it brings all of the different paragraphs together into one. For example, I would say something like... with such a tough financial situation, I will continue to live by faith, hoping that somehow, someway I am able to further my education and realize my dreams in the face of such poverty.

Don't use those exact words, but try to express that general idea. You do a good job of telling the reader what you feel, but now tell us how everything effects the way you feel.

Julielai · Answer

Hi Benny,

Welcome to EF.

I've noticed your comments are in various colors. Do the colors mean anything?

Benny777 · Answer

Hi, thanks for the welcome.

I divided the colors up so it wouldn't seem so overwhelming. Blue stands for verb tenses, then burgundy was used for me to comment on the last of your paragraph, then green is my advice on how to alter the last paragraph in your essay.

Let me know if this was helpful, I would like for you to be completely honest. If there is something I could do better, don't be afraid to tell me.

Benny777 · Answer

Ah, I confused you with the other girl, sorry.

Jamillah · Answer

Hey Benny777, I had forgotten that i posted this essay and I turned it in without reviewing your corrections but when googled myself I saw that I was a part of englsihforums and saw your comment. I would like to thank you for your constructive criticism it helped alot, I think I'm gonna use this essay for a book about myself some where down the road. Thanks again and I hope that you continue to comment on my posts in the future! Thanks agian!

Anonymous · Answer

This is a good story

Anonymous · Answer

it really helped.
i hope you will do that was your wish.

Anonymous · Answer

not realy, just felt like writting them in colors.

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