ESSAY NEEDS A LOT OF WORK!! HELP

Question

Hi this is Clotilde again, I wrote a second college essay for the rest of the schools, and I wrote it on my two younger brothers. It needs to sound a lot better though, and I also need an ending to tie everything together, if you have any suggestions, feel free! Thanks so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emmanuel and Gabriel. Blond hair, blue eyes and brown hair, brown eyes. Nine years old and six years old. Chubby and skinny. Pale and tan. My two youngest brothers do have a couple of things in common though; both have down syndrome, both were adopted from the Allingrin’s Foundation, and both are healthy, happy and amazing kids.

I was seven when my parents offered us the idea of adopting a little baby with Down syndrome. At that point, I already had an older sister, clemence, and older brother, armel, a twin, Thomas, a younger brother, Hugues, and a younger sister, Segolene. Clem was 9, Armel 8, Tom and I were 7, Hugues was 6 and Segolene was 4. So of course everyone thought my parents were crazy for wanting another child, especially a handicapped one. But they did anyways, after discussing the option with the whole family, and a few months later we were welcoming our new baby brother, Emmanuel; a three-month old, chubby, small, blond, adorable baby with gorgeous blue eyes.

Just two years after adopting Emmanuel, our family moved to America, from France, for my father’s job. Soon after the big move, my parents asked us what we thought about adopting another baby with Down syndrome. They felt it would be better for Emmanuel to have a “companion” brother, because they knew very well that we all would grow up faster and he would, in a sense, be left behind. Again we all excitedly agreed and a few months later, my parents were flying back to France to pick up our new baby brother, Gabriel. Gabby couldn’t have been more different from Emmanuel and yet they got along wonderfully.

It has now been almost ten years that we have had Emmanuel in our family, and six years that we have had Gabriel. No one or nothing has ever had a bigger impact on my life than these two kids. Seeing them constantly with a smile on their face has made me realize that …(?)

Nona the brit · Accepted Answer

Nicely written over all, sorry I can't help you with what they have made you realise!

Parts you need to work on

Proper nouns such as names always have a capital letter. The parts that are not quite right are 'offered us the idea', 'Armel, a twin' (you can't have just one, whose twin is he? Are Clemence and Armel twins?) anyway not anyways.

Anonymous · Answer

I revised it and put and ending to it, if you have any suggestions on making it sound better, or anything, please help me! thanks so much.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Emmanuel and Gabriel. Blond hair, blue eyes and brown hair, brown eyes. Nine years old and six years old. Chubby and skinny. Pale and tan. Emmanuel is calm and more reserved while Gabriel is loud and agitated. Emmanuel likes to watch movies, and play “war” games, but Gabby prefers to play with dolls and dinner sets.

My two youngest brothers do have a couple of things in common though; both have the almond-shaped eyes given to those with Down syndrome, both were adopted from the Allingrin’s Foundation, and both are healthy , happy and amazing kids.

I was seven when my parents presented us the idea of adopting a little baby with Down syndrome, a disorder caused by the presence of an extra 21st chromosome which causes mental retardation and a characteristic face. At that point, I already had an older sister, Clemence, who was 9, and older brother, Armel, 8, my twin Thomas and I were 7, a younger brother, Hugues who was 6 and my youngest sister, Segolene, was barely 4. So of course most people thought my parents were crazy for wanting another child, especially a handicapped one. Yet just a few months later, after having all agreed to this adoption, we were welcoming our new baby brother, Emmanuel; a three-month old, chunky, blond, adorable baby with gorgeous light blue eyes.

Just two years after adopting Emmanuel, our family moved to America, from France, for my father’s job. Soon after the big move, my parents asked us what we thought about adopting another baby with Down syndrome. They felt it would be better for Emmanuel to have a “companion” brother, because they knew very well that we all would grow up faster and he would, in a sense, be left behind. Again we all excitedly agreed and a few months later, my parents were flying back to France to pick up our new baby brother, Gabriel; a sweet, tiny, three-month old baby. Gabby couldn’t have been more different from Emmanuel, and yet they got along wonderfully.

It has now been almost ten years that we have had Emmanuel in our family, and six years that we have had Gabriel. No one or nothing has ever had a bigger impact on my life than these two kids. They have touched me, my family, as well as anyone and everyone in their life, to an extent that I cannot describe. Both with hearts bigger than the universe, they have been a source of joy to my brothers, my sisters, my parents and myself, and have drawn the family closer together.

Without a doubt, Emmanuel and Gabriel have been the greatest blessings of my life. They have given it meaning and fulfillment and have taught me more than I could ever teach them. I thank *** for letting me be their sister, and giving me such an incredible family.

With them, everyday I learn something more about altruism, acceptance, and love. Sheer, pure love.

ESSAY NEEDS A LOT OF WORK!! HELP

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions