Essay, need checking

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Hello. I would be grateful if somebody were to correct my essay. Task is included and it was taken from CAE part 1 writing exam. Thanks in advance.

You attended a lecture at a local business centre where the advantages of working from home were discussed. You have made the notes below:

How can working from home be beneficial?

Effects on traffic
Less office space required
Happier employees

Some opinions expressed during the lecture:

"People working alone at home go crazy!"

"Face-to-face meetings are crucial."

"Will everybody have this privilege?"

Write an essay, discussing two of the benefits in your notes. You should explain which benefit would be most important, giving reasons in support of your answer.

You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the lecture, but you should use your own words as far as possible.

As the time goes further, the rising trend of home offices can be observed. Most workers are given substantial amounts of benefits, one of which is working from home. It is widely emphasized that home offices will most likely become the new way of working. If it was to be like this, how could an individual and perhaps whole society gain from it ?

Being one of the greatest daily problems, traffic congestion would be considerably affected. From a general perspective, driving to an employment is seen as the most significant source of traffic in the cities. What is most crucial is that this negative consequence can be removed if employees could work from within the comfort of their homes, making roads safer and more accessible.

However, working from home would have a wider impact on town centres. It would bring about a change in office space demand. As most employees will be working outside the office, companies would see no purpose in occupying vast amounts of space within the centre. Instead of large headquarters, parks could be build to replace them, resolving the demand in that area.

The more workplace decentralizes the more positive outcomes would arrive. Due to that, it is vital to support these changes. Nevertheless, I believe that less office establishments would be a more significant improvement than making the roads less busier.

Poster · Accepted Answer

The instructions require you to write an essay (not a report) and explain, with reasons, which of the two benefits discussed would be most important. I can see you have discussed two benefits to some extent, but where are your reasons supporting your selection? Failure to follow instructions to the letter will greatly diminish your score.

Your stance should be outlined in the

Your stance should be outlined in the first paragraph, and confirmed in the final one. The middle two paragraphs can be about one benefit each, but must substantiate, underpin, and provide the rationale for your view as to their relative merits.

As the time goes further, the rising trend of home offices can be observed. [Irrelevant: the whole essay is entirely hypothetical. The question uses "would be" which is second conditional.] Most workers are given substantial amounts of benefits, one of which is working from home. It is widely emphasized that home offices will most likely become the new way of working. If it was to be like this, how could an individual and perhaps whole society gain from it ? [Again this is NOT the question at all. Also do not use rhetorical questions in essays: speech-writing, yes. ]

Being one of the greatest daily problems,[Again, we do not care about the current situation.] traffic congestion would be considerably affected. From a general perspective, driving to an employment ['commuting by car' ] is seen as the most significant source of traffic in the cities. What is most crucial is that this negative consequence can be removed if employees could work from within the comfort of their homes, making roads safer and more accessible.

One approach to an essay of this problem-solution type, is to look at the overall aims, goals and objectives. Unless you establish specific criteria to support your evaluation, it is bound to fail. Are we looking for the most environmentally-friendly solution, the cheapest, the most convenient, the happiest for employees, or the most profitable for businesses? You do not say.

However, working from home would have a wider impact on town centres. It would bring about a change in office space demand [a decline in demand for office space]. As most employees will be working outside the office, companies would see no purpose in occupying vast amounts of space within the centre. Instead of large headquarters, parks could be build to replace them, resolving the demand in that area.[So is this a good thing overall: is it of more value than reducing traffic congestion? ]

The more workplace decentralizes [workplaces decentralize] the more positive outcomes would arrive [would be achieved]. Due to that, it is vital to support these changes. [Irrelevant to the question actually asked.] Nevertheless, I believe that less office establishments* would be a more significant improvement than making the roads less busier. [Yes, your answer at last: but where was the explanation as to why you believe this?]

*most grammar books will advise you to use 'fewer' with plural nouns in writing, although you may hear 'less' from native speakers in conversation.

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