Essay correction

Question

Could you please help me out with this essay? Thank you =)

In this day and age, work has become for most people and unpleasant and unsatisfying part of life. It is related to stress, disappointment, fatigue and unhappiness. This situation should be changed by the employers, since demotivated employees are not as productive as a happy and stimulated workforce.

On one hand, employees should be thought of as human beings, not as machines. They need a balanced work-life. There should be a clear line between working hours and spare time. If an employee regularly takes on a lot of overtime it will be more difficult for him to stay focused on his job since he will be more and more exhausted. Employers should be strict with the worker’s schedule, and be flexible when it comes to personal issues, so that the employee can take some hours off from work without worrying.

On the other hand, goodcommunications are a key to a comfortable atmosphere at work. It would be dreadful for the company if there were employees who are afraid to talk about relevant matters with their superiors. This would mean that there is a lack of trust, and as such team work would be unsuccessful. Moreover, it is known that a tense climate leads to stressful situations which can endager the company’s reputation.

On balance, employers should always treat their employees the way they would want to be treated. They shouldn’t forget that they are dealing with persons that need to feel valued, and this is only possible when they feel important for the company.

Elizabeth1 · Accepted Answer

Hey! I don't have time to check the whole think, but here are the comments about the first paragraph:

In this day and age, work has become for most people and unpleasant and unsatisfying part of life. It is related to stress, disappointment, fatigue and unhappiness. This situation should be changed by the employers, since demotivated employees are not as productive as a happy and stimulated workforce. ( I would rephrase this sentence in to two: Employers are the ones who need to start thinking about changing the situation. It is in their best interest to have a productive workforce and that can only truly be achieved when the employees are happy)

You can try submitting these things for proofreading to places like here - (Deleted by moderator) Good luck!

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Your essay would be drastically improved if you did some research and quoted actual facts (and sources) concerning the general levels of worker satisfaction. It would also improve if you informed the reader that your opinions and recommendations are based on personal anecdotes and experiences, and gave real examples.

eg. Here is a good source for the situation in the US:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2014/06/20/most-americans-are-unhappy-at-work/

Clive · Answer

What is the actual wording of the topic or question that you were given, please?

Clive

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Elizabeth1You can try submitting these things for proofreading to places like here - http://goo.gl/0KpR9p Good luck!

But these places charge money for their services.

Kanou · Answer

CliveWhat is the actual wording of the topic or question that you were given, please?

Your class has listened to a debate about methods employers should use to ensure that their workforce is happy and motivated. You have made the notes below.

How can employers ensure that their employees are happy and motivated?

- establish good comunications
- encourage a work-life balance
- make employees feel valued as people

Write an essay discussing two of the methods in your notes. You should explain which method you think is more important for employers to adopt , providing reasons to support your answer.

Kanou · Answer

AlpheccaStars:

Your essay would be drastically improved if you did some research and quoted actual facts (and sources) concerning the general levels of worker satisfaction. It would also improve if you informed the reader that your opinions and recommendations are based on personal anecdotes and experiences, and gave real examples.

I know that these kinds of essays maybe look a bit poor, but it is supposed to be a Cambridge Advance Exam task that doesn't require research. I've posted the instructions they give you about the task.

Kanou · Answer

I'm editing now the last part since I've forgotten something important.

Finished editing!

In this day and age, work has become for most people and unpleasant and unsatisfying part of life. It is related to stress, disappointment, fatigue and unhappiness. This situation should be changed by the employers, since demotivated employees are not as productive as a happy and stimulated workforce.

On one hand, employees should be thought of as human beings, not as machines. They need a balanced work-life. There should be a clear line between working hours and spare time. If an employee regularly takes on a lot of overtime it will be more difficult for him to stay focused on his job since he will be more and more exhausted. Employers should be strict with the worker’s schedule, and be flexible when it comes to personal issues, so that the employee can take some hours off from work without worrying.

On the other hand, good communications are a key to a comfortable atmosphere at work. It would be dreadful for the company if there were employees who are afraid to talk about relevant matters with their superiors. This would mean that there is a lack of trust, and as such team work would be unsuccessful. Moreover, it is known that a tense climate leads to stressful situations which can endager the company’s reputation.

On balance, the most important method is good communications. Employers should always treat their employees the way they would want to be treated. They shouldn’t forget that they are dealing with persons that need to feel valued, and this is only possible when they feel important for the company, and are not distracted by an unfriendly environment.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

KanouI know that these kinds of essays maybe look a bit poor, but it is supposed to be a Cambridge Advance Exam task that doesn't require research. I've posted the instructions they give you about the task.

OK. It is hard to give good constructive advice on an essay without the entire context and instructions. You are restricted to writing about the material shown to you in a presentation. It would help us if you gave us that information with your original posting.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

In this day and age, work has become for most people an unpleasant and unsatisfying part of life. It is related to (is the reason for?) stress, disappointment, fatigue and unhappiness. This situation should be changed by the employers, since demotivated employees are not as productive as a happy and stimulated workforce.

On one hand, employees should be thought of as human beings, not as machines. They need a balanced work-life (They need to balance work and life, so...) . There should be a clear line between working hours and spare time. If an employee regularly takes on a lot of overtime, it will be more difficult for him to stay focused on his job, since he will be (become?) more and more exhausted. Employers should be strict with the worker’s schedule, and be flexible when it comes to personal issues, so that the employee can take some hours off from work without worrying.

On the other hand,(It's not clear to me how this paragraph's idea contrasts with the previous one. On one hand... on the other hand -- should present opposite points of view.) good communications are a key to a comfortable atmosphere at work. It would be dreadful for the company if there were employees who are afraid to talk about relevant matters with their superiors. This would mean that there is a lack of trust, and as such, team work would be unsuccessful. Moreover, it is known that a tense climate leads to stressful situations which can endager the company’s reputation.
On balance, the most important method (method for what?) is good communications. Employers should always treat their employees the way they would want to be treated. They shouldn’t forget that they are dealing with persons that need to feel valued, and this is only possible when they feel important for the company, and are not distracted by an unfriendly environment.

Kanou · Answer

AlpheccaStarsIt is related to (is the reason for?) stress, disappointment, fatigue and unhappiness.

I wanted to say that it is one of the factors that lead to stress, disappointment...
Should I better write: It is one of the factors that contribute to stress, disappointment...?

AlpheccaStarshey need a balanced work-life (They need to balance work and life, so...) .

They need to balance work and life in order to have an organised lifestyle which will have a contructive effect in their career. That's why there should be a clear line between working hours and spare time.

AlpheccaStarsOn the other hand,(It's not clear to me how this paragraph's idea contrasts with the previous one. On one hand... on the other hand -- should present opposite points of view.)

Furthermore good communications are a key to a comfortable atmosphere at work.

AlpheccaStars Moreover, it is known that a tense climate leads to stressful situations which can endager the company’s reputation.

Instead of endanger ... put at risk?
I don't really understand why I can't use "endager". Could you explain this to me?

AlpheccaStarsOn balance, the most important method (method for what?) is good communications

On balance, the most important method to ensure happy and motivated employees is good communications.

Thank you for the correction, and from now on I will write the task's wording.

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