Essay correction

Question

I hope this one will come out better. I tried really hard!

Essay for CAE (C1)

In a few months many young people will have to take the entrance exam to university. In this crucial moment of life a lot of students are having a hard time choosing their future career. They feel inexperienced and confused. How could we change this situation.

On one hand, we have work experience programes. They are supposed to give students a peek in real worklife. Where they have to accomplish minor tasks with little responsability and where they have the chance to see their role models at work. But, do companies really train students? How many times have you heard about students only bringing coffee to the rest of workers? I guess, that depends on how seriously the company treats their employees.

On the other hand, one of the tasks of the school psychologist is to provide orientation to students. They must be aware of the student’s interests, academic records and skills. Besides, they should be up to date with the different careers to be able to give good advice. But the truth is that this kind of psychologist is just a wishful thinking. Nowadays this civil servants aren’t interested in their job, they don’t wish to get too involved with students and and their affairs.

On balance, the most effective method would be to get good career advice from a professional who is serious about his job, someone who can inform students well , because I believe that information is our greatest weapon. I don’t think that you need work experience as to know what you wish to study, since you can also be a vocational student.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

In a few months many young people will have to take the entrance exam to university. In this crucial moment of life a lot of students are having a hard time choosing their future career. They feel inexperienced and confused. How could we change this situation?

On one hand, we have work experience programs. They are supposed to give students a peek into the real-life work environment, [1] where they have to accomplish minor tasks with [2] relatively little responsibility and where they have the chance to see their role models at work. ~~But,~~ [3] However, do companies really train students? How many times have you heard about students on work experience programs only being given trivial tasks such as ~~bringing~~ making coffee ~~to the rest of workers~~ for the staff? I guess, that depends on how seriously the company treats ~~their~~ its employees.

On the other hand, one of the tasks of the school ~~psychologist~~ career guidance counselor is to provide orientation to students. They must be aware of the student’s interests, academic records and skills. Besides, they should be up to date with the different careers options to be able to give [4] accurate and useful ~~good~~ advice. [3] ~~But~~ Nonetheless, the truth is that ~~this kind of psychologist~~ relying on advice from such counselors is [2] often just a wishful thinking. Nowadays, ~~this civil servants~~ [2] many career counselors aren’t interested in their job, and they don’t wish to get too involved with students ~~and~~ and their affairs.

On balance, the most effective method would be to get good career advice from a reputable professional who is serious about ~~his~~ [5] their job; someone who can inform students well, because I believe that information is our greatest weapon. I don’t think that ~~you~~ students need work experience ~~as to know~~ to decide what ~~you wish~~ to study, since ~~you~~ they [6] can also be a vocational student.

Note:
1- This is one sentence. It is incorrect to break it up as you did.
2- Moderate your language; avoid absolute statements.
3- In formal writing, do not start a sentence with "but" or "and". Use appropriate transition or linking words.
4- In formal writing, avoid using general words like "good", "bad" or "thing". Try to be more precise in your intended meaning.
5- Use "they", "their" or "theirs" so as to avoid being gender-specific.
6- The underlined part is unclear in meaning.

Finally, try to avoid using questions in short essays such as this.

Kanou · Answer

I've understood very well your corrections. Thank you for your accuracy =)

However I still have some questions:

teechr work experience programs

In my book, "programs" is written "programmes" I think this has to do with british english and american english since the book is the oficial cambridge book. Is it awkward if I mix them up?

teechrcareer guidance counselor

In Spain, career advice is the duty of the school's psychologist. Career advise is just one of their minor tasks. I mean, they only spend maybe one or two weeks a year whith this activity. Sure, career guidance counselor sounds amazing but it isn't really their full time job. My question is: does psychologist sound weird or would it be ok in this case?

teechrthis civil servants

I didn't want to repeat psychologist that's why I used civil servant. It's almost the same question as the previous one. In Spain all employees that work at school are civil servants. Does it sound strange?

teechr6] can also be a vocational student.

I meant that there are students that start their studies because they want to have a specific profession since they were little (vocational?). That's why they won't need work experience beforehand because they already know what they want to study.

teechrModerate your language; avoid absolute statements.

I suppose that I was too agressive in this writing.

I hope that I explained myself more or less clearly, I don't want to get you confused =)

Thanks!!

Teechr · Answer

KanouIn my book, "programs" is written "programmes" I think this has to do with British English and American English

Both spellings are acceptable, but you're right that it's to do with the difference between British and American English. The shorter spelling is becoming more common.

KanouIn Spain, career advice is the duty of the school's psychologist.

Don't use "psychologist" or "civil servant" in this context. You can use "career guidance counselor", "career adviser", or "school counselor".

KanouI suppose that I was too aggressive in this writing.

No I meant that you should qualify your statements in order to avoid making absolute claims or sweeping generalizations. For example:
A- Students feel that talking to career counselors is a waste of time.
B- Students feel that talking to career counselors can be a waste of time.
C- Some students feel that talking to career counselors can be a waste of time.

"A" is a sweeping generalization and is hard to prove.
"B" is a little better than "A".
"C" is a better example of a qualified statement.

As for your last sentence, you can say: "Furthermore, not all students require career advice, as some have a very clear idea of the career path they wish to follow in life". However, I don't think that you should end your essay with this sentence. Your last paragraph is supposed to be the conclusion, and you should not introduce new ideas there!
I would put it at the end of the previous paragraph.

Kanou · Answer

Ok, I've understood everything! You explain yourself so well! The examples helped a lot! =)

Essay correction

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions