Essay - Agree or disagree: Young people enjoy more life than older people do.

Question

Hi Everyone,
Could you please help me in improving my essay. Please tell me the mistakes i did and how shall i make it better?

Essay topic- Agree or disagree: Young people enjoy more life than older people do.

Essay:
In my opinion, to enjoy life age should not be a barrier, young or old does not matter. Everyone has their own way of enjoying life.
Young people have lot of energy and money to spend but they are usually short of time with their busy schedule of office, work, family and building their career.
On the other hand, older people although they are little short of energy but they have lot of time and life experiences to understand the value of even the most simplest things in life.

Most of the older people are retired from work and they prefer to spend their time on things which they enjoy. They utilize their time by spending on the things they like, hobbies they were longing for since young age, spending time with their friends, family, and their grand-children. For instance, my grand-father was very busy in his young age as he has too look after his business, had to attend lot of business meetings. He had very little time to spend to go out on vacations or to spend with family. But after retirement, he used to to spend most of his time with his friends playing golf, exploring new places and spend time with family.While on the other hand younger people are busy with their work life which is getting very stressful in this competitive world. So, young individuals do not get much time to spend on stress free vacations or with family.

Senior citizens seems to enjoy simpler things so much easier than young people do. Older people enjoy just sitting with their friends and having a cup of coffee. They just seem to appreciate being alive and being able to see the people they are. On the other hand, young people do not truly appreciate what they have till they experience some hardships in their lives.

In conclusion, older people enjoy life with more spirit and happiness as compared to younger people.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

Essays are highly structured formal texts, and that is what the teacher/examiner expects from you. Structure is very important!

Always plan out your essays before you start writing them.

In the introduction paragraph, you need:
- A general statement: This introduces the topic to the reader.
- Background: 1 or 2 sentences to provide some details about the topic.
- Your thesis/purpose statement: Explains your position regarding the essay question.

Then you need some body paragraphs in which you persuade the reader to agree with your position. Each paragraph should deal with only one point/idea.

In each body paragraph you need:
- A topic sentence: This introduces the point you want to explain in the paragraph. It must relate to the essay topic too.
- Supporting sentences: These elaborate on and explain the point.
- Example sentences: These give specific examples to prove the point.

Finally, there's the conclusion.
- First sentence: This restates your position, and typically starts with "In conclusion,"
- One or two sentences summarizing the findings of your body paragraphs.

RachelG · Answer

Hi teechr,
Thanks for your reply. Its a great help. If possible could you please also point out the mistakes i did in this essay, so that i can come up with a better version.
Thanks again for our help!

Teechr · Answer

I think it would be much better for you to rewrite your essay first. Here's one hint: Always capitalize the personal pronoun "I" regardless of its position in the text.

RachelG · Answer

Here is the new version of essay i wrote as per your guidelines. I know it's really not in good shape, but I am having hard time forming sentences. Please have a look and tell me how to make it better.

It is true that people grow old with each passing day of their life. But the growing age does not mean that they are enjoying their life less than they did before. In my opinion, there is no age barrier for enjoyment. It's just one's choice how they utilise and manage their time to enjoy and how they keep themselves happy.
There is no denying to the fact that young people have less responsibilites as compared to old people. Thus, they can spend more time on their hobbies than people who are working all day long and have to look after their children in evening, get their homeworks done, and other household activities. But nonetheless, most of them enjoy the work they are doing, they have the jobs they wanted, and they love their family and children and love spending time with them.
Moreover, young people are healthy and they can go out for adventure sports, tough hikes,road trips with friends, explore new places and have life full of adventure. While, older people may have some health related issues and their health may not permit them to go out for adventure activities but they have worked hard all through their life and saved enough money to spend on leisure trips. They can just go out on holidays with family and children, can stay in a luxurious hotel or some peaceful place they like and can enjoy watching sports on TV.
In addition to that, as we are living in digital world, youngesters are more technically advanced as compared to senior citizens. Young individuals pass their leisure time in playing games on xbox, kinect or their mobile phones and tablets. They are connected on social media and love chatting with their friends all over the world. On the other hand, senior citizens are happy even in simplest things of life, like having a cup coffee with a buddy, going out for a walk with their friends and reading news papers.

So in a nutshell, age does not stop anyone to enjoy their life. Everyone has their own way of enjoying life. Older people enjoy their life as much as youngsters do.

Teechr · Answer

RachelGIt is true that people grow old with each passing day of their life.

That's not a good opening statement for your essay, and it's somewhat off topic. You could have opened with, e.g.,
"Life is there to be enjoyed."

You then need to elaborate on that and give some relevant background, e.g.,
"This applies to everybody, young and old."

After that, you introduce the issue/problem you want to discuss, e.g.,
"However, some argue that younger people enjoy life more than older people do."

Then you clearly state your position, e.g.,

RachelGIn my opinion, ~~there is no~~ age is not a barrier ~~for~~ to enjoyment. It's just one's choice how they utilise and manage their time to enjoy their life and ~~how they~~ keep themselves happy.

Your body paragraphs are still quite disorganized. What theme or idea do you want to explore in each?

RachelG · Answer

Hi Teechr,
Thanks for your response. In body paragraphs of this essay, I wanted to explain following ideas :

para 2: I wanted to explain that although old people have more responsibilities, but they find enjoyment in their daily activities, while taking care of their responsibilities.

para 3: for older people, health related issues does not stop them to have a nice vacation.

para 4: old people find enjoyment in simple things even though they are not tech savy.

I am not sure how relevant these points are but I am not able to write down my thought the way i want it to be.
I will try to write another essay today, on a different topic than this. Lets see how it comes out to be.

Teechr · Answer

Let's take them one paragraph at a time.

RachelG Although older people have more responsibilities, ~~but~~ they can still find enjoyment in their daily activities.

Use that as the topic sentence of your first body paragraph, then include what you wrote before to complete that paragraph. Try to follow a general-to-specific structure, giving concrete examples at the end.

Essay - Agree or disagree: Young people enjoy more life than older people do.

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