Essay

Question

Could anyone give me some comments on my writing?
Is the whole article coherently smooth?
Is the whole article readable?
Is the structure of my article goo?
Please give me some comments!
Please some suggestions on how to improve it!
Many thanks in advance.
Could anybody correct the essay for me?

My Hometown
My love for my hometown, Tangkak, located in the sourthen part of Johor, is beyond description. Peaple living in cities envy the fresh air, good interpersonal relationship and peace of countrysides. People living in countrysides envy the good living conditions and the busy of cities. But I don't envy both of them, as my hometown is not highly-developed one nor under-developed one but a medium one. We enjoys most of the benefits of living in the cities and countrysides.
People in my town are friendly and helpful.Walking along the streets, we greet to each others. My hometown is almost crime free. One night when I was just ten years old, I went out of my room for toilet. I saw a thief unexpectably, by nature I screamed out at the top of my voice. The thief ran away. On arrival the streets, he was run after by my neighbours who were drinking and chatting. The thief was beaten to be serious injured. Everyone is cooperative, so the security here is second to none.
The whole park is energetic when the morning has broken. Many people are exercising there. They dances, jogs, does qigong or taiji and so on. Execising there I hear the birds singing happily, feel the fresh air flowing into my body and mine, and sense the pressures of life being swept away as my mind has been puried purified. Everyone go home for work when the sunllight leaks out from the trees.
All the main festivals are highly celebrated by us. At the night of mooncake festivel, the sight of a dozen of lights come into my eyes. The ravelry sound and the exciting music shatter the silence of the night. There are latern making competition, chaidengmi competition and people singing or dancing there. The whole basketball court turns into a sea of joy. When the clock struck twelve, the firework is let off into the sky. It light upthe whole village. Everyone's eyes are fixed on the picturesque firework.
I am going to leave for highly-developed country for further studies and better jobs after graduation, as it will broaden my horizon. However, I take pride in being one of the presidents here, I will come back in my retiring days.

Julielai · Accepted Answer

You have some agreement issues.

e.g.

We enjoys

They dances, jogs, does

Some odd word choices as well. You may want to stick to simpler words.

I've also highlighted some of the more glaring issues for you to fix.

My Hometown

My love for my hometown, Tangkak, located in the sourthen part of Johor, is beyond description. Peaple (sp) living in cities envy the fresh air, good interpersonal relationship and peace of countrysides. People living in countrysides envy the good living conditions and the busy of cities. But I don't envy both of them, as my hometown is not highly-developed one nor under-developed one but a medium one. We enjoys most of the benefits of living in the cities and countrysides.

People in my town are friendly and helpful.Walking along the streets, we greet to each others. My hometown is almost crime free. One night when I was just ten years old, I went out of my room for toilet. I saw a thief unexpectably, ~~by nature~~ I screamed out at the top of my voice. The thief ran away. On arrival the streets, he was run after by my neighbours who were drinking and chatting. The thief was beaten to be serious injured. Everyone is cooperative, so the security here is second to none.

The whole park is energetic when the morning has broken. Many people are exercising there. They dances, jogs, does qigong or taiji and so on. Execising there I hear the birds singing happily, feel the fresh air flowing into my body and mine, and sense the pressures of life being swept away as my mind has been puried purified. Everyone go home for work when the sunllight leaks (odd) out from the trees.

All the main festivals are highly celebrated in my hometown. ~~by us~~. At the night of mooncake festivel (sp), the sight of a dozen of lights come into my eyes. The ~~ravelry~~ sound and the ~~exciting~~ music shatter the silence of the night. There are latern (sp) making competition, chaidengmi competition and people singing or dancing there. The whole basketball court turns into a sea of joy. When the clock struck twelve, the firework is let off into the sky. It light upthe whole village. Everyone's eyes are fixed on the picturesque firework.

I am going to leave for highly-developed country for further studies and better jobs after graduation, as it will broaden my horizon. However, I take pride in being one of the presidents here, I will come back in my retiring days.

Lucus Ong · Answer

Thanks,

I have corrected the parts that I know how to correct, but there are some parts that I really have no ideas on how to correct.

My Hometown
My love for my hometown, Tangkak, located in the sourthen part of Johor, is beyond description. (People) living in cities (envy the fresh air, good interpersonal relationship and peace of countrysides). People living in countrysides envy the good living conditions and the (hustle and bustle) of cities. But I don't envy (both of them), as my hometown is not highly-developed one nor under-developed one but a medium one. (We enjoy) most of the benefits of living in the cities and countrysides.
People in my town are friendly and helpful. Walking along the streets, we greet (each other). My hometown is almost crime free. One night when I was just ten years old, I went out of my room for toilet. I saw a thief unexpectably, I screamed out at the top of my voice. The thief ran away. (On arrival the street), he was run after by my neighbours who were drinking and chatting. The thief (was beaten to be seriously injured). Everyone is cooperative, so the security here is second to none.
The whole park is energetic when the morning has broken. Many people are exercising there. They (dance, jog, do qigong or taiji) and so on. Execising there I hear the birds singing happily, feel the fresh air flowing into my body and (mind), and sense the pressures of life being swept away as my mind has been (purified). (Everyone goes) home for work when the sunllight (goes through) the trees.
All the main festivals are highly celebrated in my hometown. (At) the night of mooncake (festival), the sight of a dozen of lights (comes into my eyes). The sound and the music (shatter the silence of the night). There are (lantern) making competition, chaidengmi competition and people singing or dancing there. The whole basketball court turns into a sea of joy. When the clock struck twelve, the firework is (let off into the sky. It lights) up the whole village. Everyone's eyes are fixed on the picturesque firework.
I am going to leave for( highly-developed country) for further studies and better jobs after graduation, as it will broaden my horizon. However, I take pride in being one of the presidents here, I will come back in my retiring days.

Ben777 · Answer

Hello Vctory Ong, I enjoyed reading your essay, I think you're an imaginative writer who is skilled at making the place you are describing seem real. Here are some of the errors I noticed in your essay.

We enjoys, they dances, jogs... everyone go home for work....

We have a rule in English, sometimes you have to add an "s" to the end of a verb, and sometimes you don't. Usually, the only time you need to add an "s" at the end of the verb is when the noun that immediately comes before it is in the singular, third person format. 3rd person is when you are speaking about people as if you are outside of the situation, and singular is when you are referring to a noun as one entity. In the excerpts from your work above, the pronouns "we", and "they" are not 3rd person singular, therefor you do not need to add an "s" at the end of enjoy, dance, and jog. The pronoun "everyone" shown above, is considered an indefinite pronoun. With everyone you want to add an "es" at the end of go. Everyone goes home for work.

We greet to each other.

"To" is a preposition that shows the direction towards something or somebody. In this instance, you do not need the word "to", because the word "greet" already assumes that you are doing it with someone else. If you were to switch the word "greet" for "wave", you would need the preposition "to", because wave is something that can happen without two people, and therefor you need "to" in order to express a direction toward somebody else. However, "to" is redundant, unneeded, in this sentence because greet already inherently contains that meaning.

I went out of my room for toilet

In this instance, when you use the word "for", you are accidently saying to the reader that toilet is something being given to you because you went out of your room! It would be like saying, "I left my room for money", or "I left my room for some breakfast". For this reason, "for" is misleading to the reader. Instead of "for", you want to use different words to express what about the toilet is making you leave your room. I went out of my room "__ use the" toilet would be more appropriate, or I went out of my room because I "had __ use the toilet" would work as well. There is only one word missing, as shown by the blank. The reason why it is missing is because I think you should be able to figure out which word it is,

. Just think, what kind of word would show a movement of direction toward the toilet?

On arrival the streets

You need to have a preposition that relates "arrival" and the article "the". The streets isn't something you arrival, but rather arrival is something that happens onto the street. The only problem with adding "on" is that you already have "on" at the beginning of your sentence, and using the same word twice so close together is annoying for whoever is reading it. Can you think of a different way of expressing yourself in this instance that allows you to use "on" before "the"?

But I don't envy both of them

To say that you don't envy both of them allows that you might envy one of them. I can envy one thing, without envying the other, right? So instead of both, you want to use "neither", which shows that you don't envy any of them.

The thief was beaten to be serious injured

To say that he was beaten "to be" serious injured implies that the people beating him were exact and precise and knew just how much they planned on hurting him. However, it wasn't a calculated event, was it? It was an event that happened in the heat of the moment. So instead of saying to be, you could say that the thieft was beaten so bad that he became seriously injured, or the thief was seriously injured after the beating he received. The reason why you want to use seriously instead of serious, is because seriously is an adjective that shows just how injured he was. Serious describes the condition that somebody is in, but you want to express how badly he was injured.

When the clock struck twelve

Everything in your essay has pretty much been spoken about in the "present tense". However, struck is in the past tense. It's confusing when you switch tenses in the same paper, unless you mean to show a different sequence of events on purpose. However struck isn't an example of you trying to show a sequence of events, so you want to change struck to its present tense verb. Also, whenever a noun (clock) is used directly before a verb, that verb is going to have an "s" at the end.

It light up the whole village

This touches upon a common problem in your essay, so in order for us to see how well you grasp some of the concepts I mentioned, I want to see if you can correct this yourself,

.

I am going to leave for highly-developed country

When you are talking about a noun indirectly, meaning it could be any number of nouns, you need to have an indirect article before it, or before the adjective that precedes it. In this case, highly-developed is an adjective modifying the noun country. Therefor, you need an article before "highly-developed". We use "the" when we are referring a specific country, and "a" or "an" when we are referring to a country that has yet to be determined. Which article do you think you should put there?

better jobs after graduation

If you mean to say that you plan on having multiple jobs after graduation, then the plural form of "job" is ok. However, if you were referring to just trying to get a better job altogether, then you do not need to pluralize.

I hope that my reply helped, I know it was pretty in-depth. If you have any further questions feel free to message me. Let's review some of the main themes that we went over in your essay.

When and when not to add an "s" after a verb:

We only add an "s" after the verb if the verb comes directly after a pronoun that is in 3rd person singular format, which include "he" "she" and "it". Everyone and everybody are the two other types of nouns in which we would add an "es" to the verb as well.

Verb Tense: You always want to maintain a verb tense consistency, unless you are intentionally trying to show that an event is happening before or after another event written in your story.

Prepositions: We need to have the word "to" only when we intend to show that we are acting or moving toward the direction of somebody or something. I go "to" the bathroom. However, when we use words like "greet" or "hug", we don't need the preposition "to" directly after, because "greet" and "hug" already contain those meanings by themselves.

Articles: Although there are exceptions, you typically want to have an article before the noun, or before the adjective that describes the noun. If you mean a specific noun, then you use the definite article, "the". If you mean an unspecified noun, then you use the indefinite articles, "a" and "an". There are tons of exceptions to this rule, if you want to commit them to memory message me and I will send you a link.

Anonymous · Answer

not bad

Anonymous · Answer

I LIKE TTe essay so much????

Anonymous · Answer

Thanks for the nice idea. But correct your spelling and grammar.<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' alt='Emotion: smile'/>

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