English ( IELTS writing )

Question

Please Help Me To Check My IELTS Writing Task 1, THANK YOU !The bar chart illustrates the numbers of students in a UK university in 4 different groups: 1) students who completed on time, 2) students who completed late, 3) students who failed, 4) students who rewrote it between 1990 and 2010.Overall, it can be seen that the number of students who in group 1,2 experienced a steady increase, while that of group 4 has a gradual fluctuated. In contrast, the students failing to write their dissertation have a tendency downward over the period.There were almost 150 students who completed their dissertations on time in 1990. Those data tend to increased significantly, stood at about 200 at 10 years later and then it peaked at 300 continue to rose sharply, as tripling as begin in 2010. On the other hand, group 2, the numbers slightly increased to approximately 8 students among ten years, and finally ended at 45 at the end of the period. The figures for group 4 was around 10 in 1990. But these were rose swift and reached a pick at over 25 in 2000, and then decreased slightly to nearly 24 ten years later. In contrast, the number of students who failed their dissertations tends to downward significantly during the period. From 1990 to 2000, it continues to dropped sharply from nearly 50 to approximately 25 and then bottomed around 10 in 2010 after decreased remarkably.Please Help Me To Check My IELTS Writing Task 1, THANK YOU !

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The bar chart illustrates (I have advised you in an earlier post that 'illustrate" is not a good word in this context.) the numbers of students in a UK university in 4 different groups: 1) students who completed their dissertation on time, 2) students who completed it late, 3) students who failed, 4) students who rewrote it between 1990 and 2010. (wrong expression. This is for a line graph where data is given for all the years in that period. Here you only have three data points.)

Model paragraph #1 (I recently corrected another student's essay for this bar chart. Maybe you have read it because you numbered the four groups.

Version #1

The bar chart presents the number of students of an university in the UK in each of four groups: 1) those who completed their dissertation on time, 2) those who completed it late, 3) those who had to rewrite it and 4) those who failed. Data is given for each of three years 1990, 2000 and 2010.

Version #2

Data regarding students' completion of their dissertation project was collected in a UK university for the years 1990, 2000 and 2010. They were divided into four groups: 1) those who completed their dissertation on time, 2) those who completed it late, 3) those who had to rewrite it and 4) those who failed. The numbers in each group for each year are plotted on the bar chart.

Overall, ~~it can be seen that~~ (Those words do not describe the data. Concentrate on describing the information given.) the number of students in groups 1 and 2 ~~who in group 1,2~~ experienced (wrong word. Numbers are not living creatures. They do not see, witness or have experiences.) a steady increase, while that of group 4 has a gradual (wrong word. Gradual means slow. You can't see this for only 3 data points. ) fluctuated. (wrong word. You cannot see a fluctuation on a bar chart. See vocabulary words below.) In contrast, the number of students failing to write their dissertation declined. ~~have a tendency downward over the period.~~

There were almost 150 students who completed their dissertations on time in 1990. Those data ~~tend to~~ increased ~~significantly, stood at~~ to about 200 at 10 years later and then it peaked (wrong word. There is no peak. ) at 300 continue to rose sharply, as tripling as begin (incorrect, and very bad English. The number doubled from 150 in 1990 to 300 in 2010.) in 2010. On the other hand, ~~group 2,~~ the numbers in group 2 slightly increased to approximately 8 students among ten years, (incorrect expression. The number in group 2 increased in each year. It started at about 15 in 1990 and was triple that number, 45, in 2010. ) and finally ended at 45 at the end of the period.
The ~~figures~~ numbers in group 4 was around 10 in 1990. But these were rose swift (Incorrect English) and reached a pick at over 25 in 2000, and then decreased slightly to nearly 24 ten years later. In contrast, the number of students who failed their dissertations ~~tends to downward~~ declined / dropped significantly during the period. From 1990 to 2000, it ~~continues to dropped sharply~~ was cut in half from nearly 50 to approximately 25 and then bottomed (wrong word. You don't know this is a bottom.) around 10 in 2010 ~~after decreased remarkably~~.

Vocabulary:

Fluctuation: This is variation of data values with respect to a trend line. Fluctuations can be random or periodic. You see fluctuations on a line graph. There are not enough time points on a bar graph to see fluctuations. You can see variations (changes) in the data on bar graphs.

Peak / Bottom A peak occurs in data when the values both before and after it are lower than the peak value. Similarly, a bottom occurs when the data values both before and after the bottom are higher. You don't have enough data points to determine peaks and bottoms on a bar chart.

There is one peak value ( $2500) on this graph - 1980. If you consider only the period from 1980 to 2010, there is a bottom (about $300) at 2001-2002.

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