English essay help?

Question

Is there any way I can get some help with reviewing an essay I have to turn in for class? Thank for any help.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Hello, sawusaf—and welcome to English Forums.  You can post it here, and if it is not too long, perhaps a member may review it for you.

Sawusaf · Answer

Hello. Thank you for the reply. How/where do I post it if you dont mind me asking?

Mister Micawber · Answer

You paste it here.

Sawusaf · Answer

Thank you. If you can help please let me know. Scott

Matchbox Cars

When we are children everyone and everything around us has some influence on us including toys. As a child there were lots of toy’s that I considered being my “favorite”. One type of toy that stands out over the rest to me would have to be Matchbox cars. Matchbox cars had a big influence on me growing up.

I do not remember what my first Matchbox car was but it had a part in the person I have become today. As far back as I can remember I always had some type of trucks, cars or aircraft from Matchbox. I would go over to my friend’s houses and we would combine our Matchbox cars to make up different scenes and/or cities made from objects from around the house. I remember as a child I did not have a lot of toys. Most of the toys or games I had were mostly educational so the toys that were not I seemed to like the most. I would leave them all over the house for my parents to step on and get me in trouble. If I left my cars all over the living room floor I would lose the privilege of playing with them for, what I thought was an unreasonable amount of time. Also, if I did not put them up as I was supposed to and my older sister would find them and in one way or another to break them, i.e. destroying the wheels, to annoy me. I did not know it at the time but these miniature cars were having an influence how I grew as a child.

When I was punished and sent to my room, I would be ok with that because of the many cars and trucks that I had. I would stay in my room grinning ear to ear and completely content at the city I had created and watched grow. I had houses set up, office buildings, construction sites, police and fire departments. I had my imagination in full use when I got into the “zone”. I had named certain cars; there were specific places the car was allowed to “park”. I would have one of my imaginary houses catch fire and I would have to dispatch emergency crews. While the police and fire department would be working on the current problem I had created, I would switch to a different aspect of the city that I had worked on. If it was raining outside, the construction vehicles would not be allowed to work and the parents would have to take the kids to school (I don’t recall ever having a school bus), so there would be more traffic. At times, one of the families would go on vacation and I would have to control the trip for them. I would decide whether they were going to drive to their vacation destination or if they were going to fly there. I would then have to create a place for them to have fun on vacation. I rarely had the same type of vacation. There were several cultures and media’s around me, along with a vast imagination; I was able to come up with some pretty extensive creations. It did not take my mother very long to figure out that I enjoyed being sent to my room. The fact that I was enjoying playing in the room and not sulking in the punishment I had received, at times made her even angrier. I did not mind that much!

I was not only playing in my room or around the house alone with my matchbox cars though. Several friends and I around the neighborhood would build huge cities in the sides of big hills where we lived. There would be five to six kids and hundreds of matchbox cars. We would spend days deciding where we would make each “house”, each “airport”, several “stores” and even military bases. We would make opposing cities across the fields and we would decide whether that city would be friendly or hostile. Then we would take turns being the good guys or the bad guys and each team would try and infiltrate the others city. We would entertain ourselves for weeks on end with these cities. It was serious business to us and more than once someone would go home for dinner with a black eye or a nose bleed (we would find other reasons to fight as well, ha ha). We would have fights quite often over the cars when we would be separating them out to take home and because someone would think a particular car was his and another kids would claim it was his.
One friend I remember very distinctly was a kid that lived across the street from my house. We called him Joey because it always seemed like his mom kept him in a pouch. He did not go outside with us very often. But Joey had something we were too poor for… he had Hot Wheels. A type of matchbox car that was newer, flashier and just downright cooler. Not only was he not allowed to take them outside but his mom would search our pockets as we would leave the house just in case some of us had sticky fingers. I stole one of Joey’s Hot Wheels once just to see if I could get away with it. It was a red fire truck with a yellow hose and had big wheels, perfect for one of our airports. I don’t think I felt bad for what I had done but I still knew it was wrong and I never told anyone how or where I got the fire truck. We were fairly poor so it was nice just having something new to add to the game and everyone in our group wanted to be the one that was in charge of “driving” this new hot wheels truck.

Saturday mornings were not just for cartoons for my brother and me. We could not wait for the commercials in between the cartoons. All the new gadgets and toys coming out in stores would send us screaming in a manic state to our mom. “Mom can we buy this?” is probably all she heard for around 3 hours on Saturday mornings. I loved seeing the Hot Wheels commercials! Even though I only had on Hot Wheel vehicle the commercials showed so many accessories that were available to go with the cars I had. I would watch the commercials and after begging my mom to buy a particular track or accessory that I had seen on TV and getting the typical “we’ll see” from my mom, I would think of ways I could make my own variation of the product I had seen on TV. It was not just the products that I admired from the commercials though. The kids portrayed in the commercials looked like they were so happy and having a great time. My perception of cool was what I saw in commercials. The commercials that were played more often were the coolest toys. We noticed the other toys, but thinking about it now we were seeing the other toys that were able to get more airtime more often.
As all kids do when we heard it was time for the weekly trip to Wal-Mart or K-Mart. As soon as we walked thru the door the only thing on our minds was the toy isle. I’m still not sure how my mom would keep us kids together. We were still all different ages and had different interests. My sister would be off to the make-up section. I was off to the action figure/hot wheels section and my little brother to the game section. I had seen one of the hot wheels cars that had been advertised on TV. It was one of the cool cars because it had been on TV. I had to have it. Because of what I had seen on TV and the way my friends talked about this Hot Wheels car, it was a must have. I thought I would give my mom a shot. I asked for the car and she replied with the typical “we will see”. I didn’t want to see. I wanted this car. I put it in my pocket. The second time I had ever stolen. Both times over a silly car shaped pieces of metal. Would it have been worth the trouble if I had been caught? I doubt it. Ha ha. I was raised to know that what I was doing was wrong but for some reason it was more important for me to have this toy. My trained morals were being over turned and I knew it.
To this day I still have match box cars that belonged to my uncle’s. I see a lot of the learning opportunities that I had and did not acknowledge. Now that I look back and see what my kids are learning and I see. I see the same kind of effect on them that commercials have had with me. They are for the most part, the same as how they get children’s attention. There are so many characteristics that I knew I had and now I see the same characteristics in my children. To recognize were friendship presents itself.
To conclude, Match Box cars had a big influence on me growing up. There was a lot of conflict of interest and problem solving. Children learned how to play together. We were influenced by each other and by the commercials for toys like Hot Wheels. I have passed down the same toys and watched my children learning and growing. They are using Hot Wheels as a common ground as I had done as a child. I see them building some very good life lessons and learning from each other as I once did. It makes me wonder if my dad watched the same things happening with me from his experiences when he watched me play with my Match Box cars.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Please be aware that once someone responds to your request and offers revisions, your essay cannot be deleted from the website. Are you OK with that?

Sawusaf · Answer

That is ok as long as I can get some helpful hints

Mister Micawber · Answer

OK, then. Basically, your essay is far too wordy and too casual. You cannot write an essay as if you were chatting. No reader will be as interested in Matchbox cars as you seem to be. I have struck out unnecessary verbiage, underlined sections that should be expressed more formally, and I have bolded outright errors in grammar or vocabulary:

Matchbox Cars

When we are children everyone and everything around us has some influence on us including toys. As a child there were lots of toy’s that I considered ~~being~~ my “favorite”. One ~~type of~~ toy that stands out ~~over the rest~~ to me would have to be Matchbox cars. Matchbox cars had a big influence on me growing up.

I do not remember what my first Matchbox car was but it had a part in the person I have become today. As far back as I can remember I always had some type of trucks, cars or aircraft from Matchbox. I would go over to my friend’s houses and we would combine our ~~Matchbox~~ cars to make up different scenes and/or cities made from objects from around the house. ~~I remember as a child~~ I did not have a lot of toys. Most ~~of the toys or games I had~~ were ~~mostly~~ educational so the toys that were not I ~~seemed to~~ like the most. I would leave them all over the house for my parents to step on and get me in trouble. If I left my cars all over the living room floor I would lose the privilege of playing with them for~~, what I thought was~~ an unreasonable amount of time. Also, if I did not put them up ~~as I was supposed to and~~ my older sister would find them and ~~in one way or another to~~ break them~~, i.e. destroying the wheels,~~ to annoy me. I did not know it at the time but these miniature cars were having an influence how I grew ~~as a child~~.

When I was punished and sent to my room, I would be ok with that because of the many cars and trucks that I had. I would stay in my room ~~grinning ear to ear and~~ completely content ~~at the city I had created and watched grow.~~ ~~I had houses set up, office buildings, construction sites, police and fire departments~~. I had my imagination in full use when I got into the “zone”. I had named certain cars; there were specific places the car was allowed to “park”. I would have one of my imaginary houses catch fire and I would have to dispatch emergency crews. While the police and fire department would be working on the current problem I had created, I would switch to a different aspect of the city that I had worked on. If it was raining outside, the construction vehicles would not be allowed to work and the parents would have to take the kids to school (I don’t recall ever having a school bus), so there would be more traffic. At times, one of the families would go on vacation and I would have to control the trip for them. I would decide whether they were going to drive to their vacation destination or if they were going to fly there. I would then have to create a place for them to have fun on vacation. I rarely had the same type of vacation. There were several cultures and media’s around me, along with a vast imagination; I was able to come up with some pretty extensive creations. It did not take my mother very long to figure out that I enjoyed being sent to my room. The fact that I was enjoying playing in the room and not sulking in the punishment I had received, at times made her even angrier. ~~I did not mind that much!~~

~~I was not only playing in my room or around the house alone with my matchbox cars though.~~ Several friends and I around the neighborhood would build huge cities in the sides of big hills where we lived. There would be five to six kids and hundreds of matchbox cars. We would spend days deciding where we would make each “house”, each “airport”, several “stores” and even military bases. We would make opposing cities across the fields and we would decide whether that city would be friendly or hostile. Then we would take turns being the good guys or the bad guys and each team would try and infiltrate the others city. We would entertain ourselves for weeks on end with these cities. It was serious business to us and more than once someone would go home for dinner with a black eye or a nose bleed ~~(we would find other reasons to fight as well, ha ha).~~ We would have fights quite often over the cars ~~when we would be separating them out to take home and because someone would think a particular car was his and another kids would claim it was his~~.
One friend ~~I remember very distinctly~~ was a kid that lived across the street from my house. ~~We called him Joey because it always seemed like his mom kept him in a pouch. He did not go outside with us very often. But~~ Joey had something we were too poor for… he had Hot Wheels. A type of matchbox car that was newer, flashier and just downright cooler. Not only was he not allowed to take them outside but his mom would search our pockets as we would leave the house just in case some of us had sticky fingers. I stole one of Joey’s Hot Wheels once just to see if I could get away with it. ~~It was a red fire truck with a yellow hose and had big wheels, perfect for one of our airports.~~ I don’t think I felt bad for what I had done but I still knew it was wrong and I never told anyone how or where I got the fire truck. We were fairly poor so it was nice just having something new to add to the game and everyone in our group wanted to be the one that was in charge of “driving” this new hot wheels truck.

Omigod, I am exhausted! I do not have the energy to read through the rest of your essay. Tighten it up; delete a lot of your rambling. Get to the point.

MM

Saturday mornings were not just for cartoons for my brother and me. We could not wait for the commercials in between the cartoons. All the new gadgets and toys coming out in stores would send us screaming in a manic state to our mom. “Mom can we buy this?” is probably all she heard for around 3 hours on Saturday mornings. I loved seeing the Hot Wheels commercials! Even though I only had on Hot Wheel vehicle the commercials showed so many accessories that were available to go with the cars I had. I would watch the commercials and after begging my mom to buy a particular track or accessory that I had seen on TV and getting the typical “we’ll see” from my mom, I would think of ways I could make my own variation of the product I had seen on TV. It was not just the products that I admired from the commercials though. The kids portrayed in the commercials looked like they were so happy and having a great time. My perception of cool was what I saw in commercials. The commercials that were played more often were the coolest toys. We noticed the other toys, but thinking about it now we were seeing the other toys that were able to get more airtime more often.
As all kids do when we heard it was time for the weekly trip to Wal-Mart or K-Mart. As soon as we walked thru the door the only thing on our minds was the toy isle. I’m still not sure how my mom would keep us kids together. We were still all different ages and had different interests. My sister would be off to the make-up section. I was off to the action figure/hot wheels section and my little brother to the game section. I had seen one of the hot wheels cars that had been advertised on TV. It was one of the cool cars because it had been on TV. I had to have it. Because of what I had seen on TV and the way my friends talked about this Hot Wheels car, it was a must have. I thought I would give my mom a shot. I asked for the car and she replied with the typical “we will see”. I didn’t want to see. I wanted this car. I put it in my pocket. The second time I had ever stolen. Both times over a silly car shaped pieces of metal. Would it have been worth the trouble if I had been caught? I doubt it. Ha ha. I was raised to know that what I was doing was wrong but for some reason it was more important for me to have this toy. My trained morals were being over turned and I knew it.
To this day I still have match box cars that belonged to my uncle’s. I see a lot of the learning opportunities that I had and did not acknowledge. Now that I look back and see what my kids are learning and I see. I see the same kind of effect on them that commercials have had with me. They are for the most part, the same as how they get children’s attention. There are so many characteristics that I knew I had and now I see the same characteristics in my children. To recognize were friendship presents itself.
To conclude, Match Box cars had a big influence on me growing up. There was a lot of conflict of interest and problem solving. Children learned how to play together. We were influenced by each other and by the commercials for toys like Hot Wheels. I have passed down the same toys and watched my children learning and growing. They are using Hot Wheels as a common ground as I had done as a child. I see them building some very good life lessons and learning from each other as I once did. It makes me wonder if my dad watched the same things happening with me from his experiences when he watched me play with my Match Box cars.

Sawusaf · Answer

Thank you for the advice you were able to provide its a lot better then no help.

Scott

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