Email revision

Can someone please revise this for me?

From: Mia Murillo <Email Removed>
Subject: Repairs
Cc:
Bcc:
We have recently instituted a new procedure for all equipment repairs. Effective immediately, we are no longer using the "Equipment Repair Form" that we formerly used. We want to move everyone to an online database system. These new procedures will help us repair your equipment faster and keep track of it better. You will find the new procedure at http://www.BigWebDesk.net. That's where you log in. You should indicate the kind of repair you need. It may be for AudioVisual, Mac, PC, or Printer. Then you should begin the process of data entry for your specific problem by selecting Create New Ticket. The new ticket should be printed and attached securely to the equipment. Should you have questions or trouble, just call Sylvia at Extension 255. You can also write to her at Email Removed. The warehouse truck driver will pick up and deliver your equipment as we have always done in the past.
1. List at least five weaknesses of this e-mail message.
a. Uses poor subject line.
b. Fails to begin with a summary of the main idea.
c. Does not explain need for new procedure precisely.
d. Fails to enumerate steps in new procedure.
e. Does not close by reinforcing benefits or making help clearly available.
f. Fails to include full contact information in e-mail closing.
2. Outline a writing plan for this message.
Subject line: Summarize the content of the message.
Opening: Expand the subject line by stating the main idea concisely in a full sentence.
Body: Provide background data and explain the main idea. In describing this procedure, use command language (do this, don’t do that). Number the steps in the procedure and arrange them in logical order.
Closing: Request an action and provide a deadline, if appropriate.