EDUCATION_ Please help me to improve this essay

Question

Studying with a group of students in a classroom is more beneficial than learning online at home.To what extent do you agree or disagree?Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.In recent times, education online and offline has been widely debated in many parts of the world. While it is believed that learning online would bring more effective benefits than traditional education does, I still hold my opinion that studying with face-to-face communication in schools would give more positive impacts on conveying knowledge and other skills.On the one hand, traditional education with small groups of children might create better quality in both methods of teaching and management than online studying. When it comes to face-to-face education, educators can easily communicate with pupils and also transfer acknowledgement to children. Hardly students feel distant from their teachers, they can actively ask instructors to assist when facing problems in their lessons. Besides, the management of schools where educators traditionally teach their pupils might be easier than ones with systems of online education. According to a survey of the press in Vietnam, the rate of students passing the final examination of the primary school was lower than in previous years, when the authority applied the educational system online because of the Covid-19 pandemic.On the other hand, face-to-face studying would bring a convenient environment for children to develop soft skills, such as communication, solving problems, team-working, and so on. For example, pupils can face a difficult task in class, they can find out answers with their teams , while online education can not clearly bring an opportunity for students to solve problems together. As a result, those skills not only lead to a loyalty in their class but also create a favour in later life when they grow up and work in society. By studying traditionally, children can avoid using technological equipment which has negative impacts on children. Online education creates a condition for employment with computers or cell phones, which makes their parents difficult to control.In conclusion, by the reasons given in this essay, I suggest that traditional education might have a more effective influence on teaching, management quality and development of social skills than online one.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Loan TranIn recent times, education online and offline has been widely debated in many parts of the world.

First paragraph advice.

1. Do not use “debate”, “controversy” or similar ideas. Many students have a memorized response to essay topics that have two sides and ask for an opinion. They write:

“There is a debate about X.”
“X has long been a subject of controversy.”
“X has recently come to the public’s attention.”
“There has been a lot of discussion about X.”

Here X is the topic that is in the Task instructions. This is not a good opening.

First, it is generally not true that there is actually a debate or controversy. Second, examiners recognize this as a memorized response. They see it all the time. Third, memorized responses do not get extra points. You may even lose points. Instead, write a sentence that convinces the examiner that you have understood the task. Then answer the essay prompt, or give a sentence that briefly states your answer. In an opinion essay, give your opinion and the main justification.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~In recent times, education online and offline has been widely debated in many parts of the world~~.

Online learning has been more common in the pandemic to avoid spreading the disease, so there is now some experience with both styles of education. While it is believed that learning online has ~~would bring~~ more ~~effective~~ benefits than traditional classroom education does, I still hold my opinion that studying with face-to-face communication in schools would give more positive impacts on conveying knowledge and other skills.

You did not answer the essay prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

You must answer with an adverb of extent. Do you know these adverbs? Here is a good selection:

Complete agreement / disagreement:
------------

completely
fully
totally
wholeheartedly
unreservedly
with no reservations
without reservation
unequivocally
unquestionably
with no hesitation
unconditionally

Partial agreement / disagreement:
----------------

somewhat
partially
partly
to some extent / to a limited extent / to a point
with (some / certain / a few) reservations
conditionally

Slight agreement / disagreement:
----------------

a little (bit)
--------------------

On the one hand, (You have not used these transition phrases correctly. They are for contrasting an opinion for and an opinion against a particular topic.) traditional education with small groups of children might create better quality in both methods of teaching and the management of the education system than online studying. When it comes to face-to-face education, educators can easily communicate with pupils and also transfer acknowledgement (not a good phrase) to children. Hardly students (wrong expression. There are good students and bad students, but not hardly students.) feel distant from their teachers, they can actively ask instructors to assist when facing problems in their lessons. Besides, the management of schools where educators traditionally teach their pupils might be easier than ones with systems of online education. According to a survey of the press in Vietnam, the rate of students passing the final examination in ~~of the~~ primary school was lower than in previous years, when the authorities mandated distance learning ~~applied the educational system online~~ because of the Covid-19 pandemic.

On the other hand, face-to-face studying would bring a convenient environment for children to develop soft skills, (no comma) such as interpersonal communication, ~~solving~~ problem solving and teamwork. ~~team-working, and so on~~. (Do not use ellipses, "etc." or phrases like "and so on" in formal writing.) For example, ~~pupils~~ ~~can~~ if students face a difficult task in class, they can ~~find~~ work out the answers with their teams , while online education does not support the option ~~can not clearly bring an opportunity~~ for students to solve problems together. As a result, those skills not only lead to classmates forming close friendships, ~~a loyalty in their class~~ but also create a favour (wrong word) in later life when they grow up and work in society. ~~By studying traditionally, children can avoid using technological equipment~~ (wrong phrase. Also, you do not need this point, because it is not well-developed. Delete.) which has negative impacts on children. Online education creates a condition for employment (wrong phrase.) with computers or cell phones, which makes their parents difficult to control. (Does the school have control over the parents?)

In conclusion, ~~by the reasons given in this essay,~~ (Never mention your essay - Not in the first paragraph and not in the conclusion.) I suggest that traditional education might have a more effective influence on teaching, management quality and development of social skills than online one. (you should restate your thesis statement - the answer to the essay prompt.)

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