Education

Question

Hi teachers, I am now preparing for IELTS exam. I need my writing skills improved, please help me mark this essay below, thank you

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information technology. To what extent do you agree?

Many people think subjects which isn’t essential such as art and music has to be removed from the syllabus; therefore, useful subjects like information technology can be learned. I strongly agree that children concentrate on useful modules offer more advantages.

On the one hand, it is beneficial for children to study art based on few creativity and reducing stress reasons. Firstly, art can develop people’s inspiration. If students choose this subject, they may create incredible ideas, and view things from a lot of perspective. Secondly, learning music and art giving children chills after studying too hard. Since the module does not request intelligence or computational abilities, students attending art classes are likely to be able to relax.

On the other hand, it seems to me that learning fuctional subjects as IT is the best choice. One reason is that, technology nowadays is very popular, people clearly use it everyday and apply with different things in life. Furthermore, information technology allows students to work methodically and develop logical skills so that they contribute knowledge for community.

In conclusion, while art and music help students a lot, I believe the benefit of information technology makes studying more helpful.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

phuonganh23please help me mark this essay below, thank you

Your request is incorrect. Consider these three sentences.

1) Please help me to carry my bags ( You carry the bags, but I assist you. )
 2) Please carry my bags. (I carry the bags for you. )
 3) Please help me by carrying my bags. (If I carry your bags, it will be good for you.)

1) Please help me mark my essay. (You mark your essay, but I assist. The web site does not allow this.)
2) Please review  my essay. ( I review your essay and give you feedback. )
3) Please help me by reviewing  my essay. (I review your essay and give you feedback.  That will help you.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

phuonganh23 I need my writing skills improved,

I need to improve my writing skills.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Many people think subjects which ~~isn’t~~ (wrong verb form. Also, do not use contractions in formal writing.) are not essential such as art and music has to be removed from the syllabus; (wrong word. A syllabus is the outline of the modules in a single course. ) therefore, useful subjects like information technology can be learned. I strongly (That is not an adverb of extent.) agree that children concentrate on [useful modules ~~offer more advantages~~. ] (The words in the blue brackets form a sentence or main clause. You cannot use a main clause as the object of a preposition. That is ungrammatical.)

You did not answer the essay prompt clearly. The examiner is looking for an answer to this question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is good to know a good handful of adverbs of extent because this is a very common prompt in IELTS Task 2 essays.

Complete agreement / disagreement:
------------

completely
fully
totally
wholeheartedly
unreservedly
with no reservations
without reservation
unequivocally
unquestionably
with no hesitation
unconditionally

The next paragraph does not support your opinion. Do not argue against your viewpoint. You will lose a lot of points.

You are answering the wrong essay type.

In an agree/disagree essay, you have to write two body paragraphs with the reasons for your opinion.

~~On the one hand,~~ (Wrong transition phrase. This phrase is only for "discuss both views" or "advantages/disadvantages.) ~~it is beneficial for children to study art based on few~~ (wrong word) creativity and reducing stress reasons. Firstly, First, art can develop people’s inspiration. If students choose this subject, they may create incredible ideas, and view things from a lot of perspective. Secondly, Second, learning music and art giving children chills (It scares them?) ~~after studying too hard. Since the module does not request~~ (wrong word. Also, learning to play a violin or piano requires a lot of intelligence. Students have to learn how to read musical notation, for example.) ~~intelligence or computational abilities, students attending art classes are likely to be able to relax.~~

On the other hand, ~~it seems to me that~~ (Do not write your opinion in the body paragraphs. The purpose of a body paragraph is to argue for your opinion in the opening paragraph.) learning fuctional subjects as IT is the best choice. One reason is that, technology nowadays is very popular, people clearly use it everyday and apply (wrong word) with different things in life. Furthermore, information technology allows students to work methodically and develop logical skills so that they contribute knowledge for community. (That is not good English)

In conclusion, while art and music help students a lot, I believe the benefit of information technology makes studying more helpful. (That does not make much sense. How can a benefit make studying helpful?)

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