Edit my work please

Question

My article response: the article http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1128117013393&call_pageid=968332188774&col=968350116467&DPL=IvsNDS%2f7ChAX&tacodalogin=yes

My response, lol I tried to make it one page but I can't any suggestion what should I add.

On September 29 2005 McGuinty the premier of Ontario announced Hike in tuition fees for Ontario’s 400,000 students in universities and colleges who will have to pay more for tuitions starting next fall 2006. It’s not clear how much more these students will have to pay for tuitions but analysts suggest about 5 to 15 percent more than what they are paying now.

In a speech at the University of Carleton McGuinty said “Yes, and the price of milk, bread, rent, mortgage, houses will go up because of province's two-year tuition freeze is going to terminate this year”.

The tuition freeze will affect me and all of the students who are in or going to universities or colleges in Ontario fall 2006, many students are very angry because they don’t want to pay extra for what they are paying already.

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

One quick comment is that this quote doesn't sound correct. It's very important to get quotes absolutely exact. Are you sure this is what he said?

McGuinty said “Yes, and the price of milk, bread, rent, mortgage, houses will go up because of province's two-year tuition freeze is going to terminate this year”.

Best wishes, Clive

Navee · Answer

I changed it a lilttle! to

"Yes, and the price of milk, bread, rent, mortgage, houses will go up. The issue is by how much," said McGuinty, at the University of Carleton.

And is it okay to have seprate paragraphs for News Response. Or Should I join it togeather into a one big paragraph.

Navee · Answer

Final Copy, Please edit fast as you can

News Response

On September 29 2005 McGuinty the premier of Ontario announced Hike in tuition fees for Ontario’s 400,000 students in universities and colleges who will have to pay more for tuitions starting next fall 2006. It’s not clear how much more these students will have to pay for tuitions but analysts suggest about 5 to 15 percent more than what they are paying now.

"Yes, and the price of milk, bread, rent, mortgage, houses will go up. The issue is by how much," said McGuinty, at the University of Carleton in Ottawa yesterday, which angered many students at that time.

When Mike Harris made the same announcement in 1998 Many students in Ontario were very upset, following the next two years Ontario had the largest dropout rate in Canada, the dropout rate was about 32% percent in high schools alone and 12% in universities or colleges.

However McGuinty announced at Ottawa that the rise in tuition fees will not affect on the dropout rates of the students in universities or colleges, because his government already has given $6.2 billion for higher education for the coming next 5 years.

If students feel that the education is too expensive in universities or colleges then those students will get jobs while they are still attending high school, those jobs can interfere with the students studies. And if those students are having a very hard time in school because of his or her job than he is more likely to dropout rather than get into a higher education than high school.

If the tuition price increases much more than what analysts predicated than Ontario will have much more dropouts, 5 to 10 percent more dropouts in universities and colleges than right now.

Many students from poor families will get jobs after graduating from high school rather than getting into universities or colleges and earning degrees. This will increase the dropouts in high schools.

The tuition freeze will affect me and all of the students who are in or going to universities or colleges in Ontario next year. Because we will have to pay more for what the other students are paying for universities and colleges, and many students who are in universities won’t be able to finish there education and others won’t be able to get into the universities or colleges.

Clive · Answer

Hi,

I think the best thing is if I give you some comments and suggestions, so that you can edit this yourself. That way, you will be better set for next time.

You have problems with 'run-on' sentences. This means you are writing one sentence but then just adding another sentence into it without joining them properly. eg Tom bought a shirt it is green. I've put (run-on) at the places where you have done this.

If you make changes based on these suggestions, it still won't be perfect but it will be a lot better. If you want to do that and then post it here again, I'll try to help you some more.

Clive

News Response

On September 29 2005 McGuinty the premier (Political titles usually have a capital) of Ontario announced Hike (ordinary words should not have a capital, except at the start of a sentence) in tuition fees for Ontario’s 400,000 students in universities and colleges who will have to pay more for tuitions starting next fall 2006. It’s not clear how much more these students will have to pay for tuitions but analysts suggest about 5 to 15 percent more than what they are paying now. (Try to avoid repeating words in the same sentence. You have 'tuition' twice in one sentence, and 'pay/paying' twice in another sentence)

"Yes, and the price of milk, bread, rent, mortgage, houses will go up. The issue is by how much," (never, never, never change words in a directquote, as you did earlier) said McGuinty, at the University of Carleton in Ottawa yesterday, which angered many students at that time.

When Mike Harris made the same announcement in 1998 Many students in Ontario were very upset, (run-on) following the next two years Ontario had the largest dropout rate in Canada, (run-on) the dropout rate was about 32% percent in high schools alone and 12% in universities or colleges. (dropout' is repeated here)

(This paragraph and the one above both talk about the dropout rate, so combine into one paragraph) However McGuinty announced at Ottawa that the rise in tuition fees will not affect on the dropout rates of the students in universities or colleges, because his government already has given $6.2 billion for higher education for the coming next 5 years.

If students feel that the education is too expensive in universities or colleges then those students will get jobs while they are still attending high school,(run-on) those jobs can interfere with the students studies. (don't start asentence with 'and') And if those students are having a very hard time in school because of his or her job then he is more likely to dropout rather than get into a higher education than high school. (you can't talk about 'students' and then go on to talk about 'his'. Make it all plural, or all singular)

If the tuition price increases much more than what analysts predicated than (this is the second time you have put 'than' instead of 'then'. You need to proofread carefully to catch these kinds of slips, ok?)Ontario will have much more dropouts, 5 to 10 percent more dropouts in universities and colleges than right now. (you are repeating 'dropouts', the word is in this sentence twice)

Many students from poor families will get jobs after graduating from high school rather than getting into universities or colleges and earning degrees. This will increase the dropouts in high schools.

The tuition freeze will affect me and all of the students who are in or going to universities or colleges in Ontario next year. (this is the opposite of a run-on, you need to join these two sentences together) Because we will have to pay more for what the other students are paying for universities and colleges, and many students who are in universities won’t be able to finish there ('their', not 'there') education and others won’t be able to get into the universities or colleges.

Edit my work please

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