Due Tonight! begging for help to proof read ++ help on my essay

Hi, it's my first post here. I am taking English 1A class now and I am having hard time since my English is really bad. I had poor grammar and use very limited vocab. The essay below is my first draft. My teacher read it and then said it is dull and uninteresting. He suggested I add more conjunction words, combine sentences and use more clauses. I wish I had found out this forum earlier, it has so much resources on English writing.

Anywaz, here is my poor essay, please help me out, it's due tonight, i have 7 more hours to work on it.

English 1A

There was once a beautiful girl. Her name was Yoyo. She was from Pasadena. She attended Pasadena City College. Despite she was beautiful and a good personality, no one knew these things.

It was because of her family situation. Her father drank all the time. He never let her leave the house except for school. Her mother was too shy to stand up for Yoyo. Yoyo was the youngest child. The older brothers had run away and moved to Montebello. They rarely come back and visited their father because they hated him.

Yoyo worked hard in school and got straight A’s. She applied for a scholarship to Cal State LA. She had to write an essay when she applied for the scholarship and she wrote about her alcoholic father. The essay didn’t say who the man was. The narrator said she loved her father. It said that he was killing himself with alcohol.

Yoyo’s father found the essay. He got very angry and he started yelling. When she heard him running to her room, she was scared her father will beat her up and she climbed out her bedroom window. She walked to Montebello, it took her 4 hours, and she walked with tears all her way. She asked to stay with her brother, Gustavo. He was glad to help.

Yoyo got a ride to school with Jeff, her second brother. Her counselor called her into the office. Her father had come to school that morning. He said he wouldn’t sign the scholarship letter. He floored his car out of the parking lot. He didn’t see the school bus. It broadsided him. He was thrown from the car. He was severely injured. He was rushed to the hospital on ambulance.

Yoyo’s friend, Paul, ran up to her and told her about her father. By the time Jeff and Yoyo rushed to hospital, her father was in critical condition. They prayed for him. Gustavo heard about the accident. He picked up his mother and they went to the hospital. The father was in a coma. Her family told Yoyo not to felt guilty about her essay.

When her father came out of his coma, Yoyo was staying by the bed. He looked at Yoyo. He apologized with tears in his eyes. He told everyone he was going to stop drinking. He gave his daughter his signed permission. Even the biggest idiots CAN grow up.