Does this tense stuff all make sense?

Question

I am writing a movie treatment and I'd like to know if I've used the right approach to grammar and narrative.

The movie begins in the town of Oxford, England. The scene opens with a Georgian English terrace house on a quiet leafy road, which emphasises symmetry, proportion and conveys an erudite English ambiance. This stasis is broken in the garden of Oxford University professor Henry Erstwhistle where a father and son dialogue begins. His son, Ted Erstwhistle, is around six years old, and is peering at the stars through his father’s telescope. As children tend to do, Ted asks his father many fundamental questions he cannot answer. Henry tells Ted that if he studies hard in school, one day he will be able to fly up into the heavens, and not only see, but touch the stars. Ted is in a state of childish awe at this thought. His mother, Rosa, has made Ted’s supper, and calls for him to come inside, but Ted is oblivious to her calling, and continues peering through his father’s telescope. A picture of the starry Universe as seen through Ted’s eyes slowly fades into darkness alongside his mother’s calling, and this ends the opening scene.

Twenty years in the future. From this darkness, slowly comes an image of a giant black chalk board that has many complex mathematical equations are written all over it. Ted, who is now a man, is giving a lecture about gravity to his students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). ETC.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The movie begins in the town of Oxford, England. The scene opens with a Georgian English terrace house on a quiet leafy road, which emphasises symmetry, proportion and conveys an erudite English ambiance. This stasis is broken in the garden of Oxford University professor Henry Erstwhistle where a father and son dialogue begins. His son, Ted Erstwhistle, is around six years old, and is peering at the stars through his father’s telescope. As children tend to do, Ted asks his father many fundamental questions he cannot answer. Henry tells Ted that if he studies hard in school, one day he will be able to fly up into the heavens, and not only see, but touch the stars. Ted is in a state of childish awe at this thought. His mother, Rosa, has made supper, and calls for them to come inside, but Ted is oblivious to her calling, and continues peering through his father’s telescope. A picture of the starry Universe as seen through Ted’s eyes slowly fades into darkness alongside his mother’s calling, and this ends the opening scene.

Twenty years in the future. From this darkness, slowly comes an image of a giant black chalk board that has many complex mathematical equations written all over it. Ted, who is now a man, is giving a lecture about gravity to his students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT).

Does this even make sense? Do you think i is a rubbish idea?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

It sounds OK to me, except for a minor error.

From this darkness, slowly comes an image of a giant black chalk board that has many complex mathematical equations are written all over it.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm trying to write as simple and as clear as possible.

Have I done that with what I've written so far?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

AnonymousI'm trying to write as simple and as clear as possible. Have I done that with what I've written so far?

Your text is quite lucid and understandable.

Anonymous · Answer

I hope so. I'm not used to writing at length. I think my sentence structure is a bit unstable... Here is another extract. Does this read well? How can I make this and the other extract even more lucid?

Now alone, Ted walks from the kitchen into his laboratory/office, and his former repressed self becomes very receptive, attentive to detail, and ultimately excited. Ted’s research is about gravity. As such, his laboratory is filled with a lot of advanced scientific equipment, the most noticeable of which is Ted’s own project. An invention similar to the Cavendish experiment, which measures the value of the gravitational constant. Ted treats this invention like his child, and has named it Henry after his father, who died with his mother, Rosa, in a car accident on their way to see Ted collect the young scientist of the year prize at the annual awards evening of his secondary school in Oxford, England. After the accident, Ted had no choice but to move to America where his aunt Selma would look after him, and had been living with her in Massachusetts, New England, until he moved to MIT to study Astronomy as an undergraduate in his late teens. Ted did not really know his parents, except for the fact that he does remember one particular vivid memory of his father. He remembers peering at the stars through a telescope, hearing the voice of his inspiring father, and the longing voice of his mother calling his name. This memory haunts Ted to this day, and is the source for many nightmares, which he remedies with Zen meditation, Yoga and holistic medicine.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Now alone, Ted walks from the kitchen into his laboratory/office, and his former repressed self becomes very receptive, attentive to detail, and ultimately excited. Ted’s research is about gravity. As such, his laboratory is filled with a lot of advanced scientific equipment, the most noticeable of which is Ted’s own project. An invention similar to the Cavendish experiment, which measures the value of the gravitational constant. (Fragment) Ted treats this invention like his child, and has named it Henry after his father, who died with his mother, Rosa, in a car accident on their way to see Ted collect the young scientist of the year prize at the annual awards evening of his secondary school in Oxford, England. After the accident, Ted had no choice but to move to America where his aunt Selma would look after him, and had been living with her in Massachusetts, New England, until he moved to MIT to study Astronomy as an undergraduate in his late teens. Ted did not really know his parents, except for the fact that he does remember (has - "remember a memory" is redundant) one particular vivid memory of his father. He remembers peering at the stars through a telescope, hearing the voice of his inspiring father, and the longing voice of his mother calling his name. This memory haunts Ted to this day, and is the source for many nightmares, which he remedies (compensates for? )with Zen meditation, Yoga and holistic medicine.

Anonymous · Answer

When you say fragment, do you mean that I should separate the sentence with a semi colon not a full stop as I have done? I see the 'fragment consider reversing' error in Microsoft Word sometimes, but I don't see it with the sentence you have highlighted.

I don't think 'compensates for' is what I mean. What I mean is that Ted has nightmares, so to reduce the possibility of these nightmares from happening, he does Zen meditation, Yoga and holistic medicine.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

An invention similar to the Cavendish experiment,
(There is no main verb. It is just a noun phrase.)

AnonymousI don't think 'compensates for' is what I mean.

I've never heard of a cure for nightmares. "To remedy" is to cure.

Does this tense stuff all make sense?

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions