Does this fit?

Question

Does this sound right? I'm writing an essay in science class and this is what I have so far. I'm not sure if it sounds good or anything. But if somebody knows anything about what would make it sound better, I'd appreciate if you shared.
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"I've gone over these ten times! This just doesn't make sense anymore!" I shouted, throwing the file on the messy work area. Hi, my name is Lacie. Yes, the so-called insane woman who is trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out why the sun's light is decreasing.
"Oh, jeez. Lacie is going to blow a gasket," My annoying researcher, Jessica, mumbled incoherently and went back surfing the web for any hints or clues. Of course, she found nothing helpful or of use to my knowledge on the sun.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi Anon;

This sounds like the beginning of a sci-fi story, but you have not finished it yet. Here are a few comments on the grammar.

Regards,
A-

s

"I've gone over these ten times! This just doesn't make sense anymore!" I shouted, throwing the file on the messy work area. Hi, my name is Lacie. Yes, the so-called insane woman who is trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out why the sun's light is decreasing. (sentence fragment - there is no main verb)
"Oh, jeez. Lacie is going to blow a gasket," My annoying (is Jessica annoying Lacie, or is Jessica annoyed?) researcher, Jessica, mumbled incoherently and went back surfing the web for any hints or clues. Of course, she found nothing helpful or of use (in understanding the data?) to my knowledge on the sun.

Does this fit?

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